Surgery without anesthesia...

God is working on me big time and it is so painful that it is like having surgery without anesthesia. I've been experiencing times of severe unrest in my soul. I've never experienced this before. God is revealing what a sinner I truly am (we all are). I've been so oblivious to this. Not that I didn't think I sinned I was just completely unaware of it. He is also trying to show me how much He loves me. I don't know how I could have missed these things. The battle comes when Satan tries to take advantage of my compromised emotions and beats me while I'm down. He tries to make me doubt all I have been taught and know about God. He tries to tell me God is not good and doesn't love me, how could a good God, a God who loves me, take my baby? He tries to put fear in me that I am not truly saved and will not see Stephanie again. I know these are lies and when I am strong it's easier for me to resist the temptation to believe the lies but the moments of weakness are a completely different experience.

So, I need to focus on truth, as a wise friend, who has experienced a huge loss in her life told me just days after Stephanie died. It was also in a great book that I just read. The book is called "The only way you are reading this, is if I am gone." By Carrie Bolesky. Carrie's 16 year old son died in a car accident 2 years ago. Though our circumstances are different, it's amazing how many of the emotions and thoughts are similar.

God has been speaking to me. Songs I haven't heard in years are in my thoughts. I am recalling verses. Friends are sharing scripture with me. On a particularly difficult day the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) flooded my mind. Earlier this week I woke up with the song Love that will not let me go By: Steve Camp in my head and then on the same day; read an email from a dear friend sharing the following passage:

Isaiah 49:13-16
¹³ Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
¹⁴ But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
¹⁵ “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
The commentary in the NIV study Bible I am using discusses these verses:
" 'The Lord has forsaken me.' These are the words of the Israelites, who experienced great adversity and thus felt abandoned and forgotten by God. God's response gives divine assurance to any believer going through trying times. (1) His love for us is greater than the natural affection of a loving mother for her children; it is therefore unthinkable that he will ever forget us, especially in our times of despair and grief. (2) His compassion for us will never fail, regardless of life's circumstances; he watches over us with great tenderness and love, and we may rest in the conviction that he will never leave us. (3) The evidence of God's great love is that he has engraved us on the palms of his own hands, so that he can never forget us; the scars in his hands are always before his eyes as a reminder of the great love he has showered on us and of his desire to care for us."

I am also taking a class at church studying the book "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The book is all about How much God loves us and why. And how we forget who He really is and who we are in Him.

So, I am focusing on TRUTH! Truth found in scripture, Truth about what happened. I am learning about how much God loves me and gaining a new appreciation for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me (and all who believe). I am praying for God to help me believe these truths clearly and that it will penetrate my soul. I am spending time in the Word. I am praying that His desires will become my desires.

I am, at least for today, choosing to move forward instead of dwelling on what has happened. I am coming to terms with the realization that moving on in no way means I have forgotten my sweet Stephanie. It doesn't mean that she isn't important to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I won't have a bad day now and then. Staying in a state of sadness isn't going to bring her back. I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could. She would not want me to be sad all the time. I need to heal so that Jon has his wife back. I need to heal so I can fully be here for Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria and Samantha. I need to heal so that if God chooses to bless us with another child, I will be healthy enough to handle it, both emotionally and physically. I need to heal so that God can use me to shine for Him. To help others going through the loss of a child. There will come a day when I see Stephanie again and that time, it will be forever!

Longing for Heaven

A quote from stillbirthday.com by Heidi Faith (I don't know if that is her real name so I don't entirely know who to credit for this but these are not my original words, it made so much sense to me.  I am just waiting for my brain to tell my heart.)

"I miss you, baby C.  (Stephanie) I miss you so much.   It is impossible to run back to you.  So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "

"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow.  As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
--------
I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon.  I really have to do both.  Neither is optional really.  I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me.  They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word.  But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly.  I cannot deny that.  When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to.  I will miss all of her firsts.  If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.

I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief.  Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back.  That is a fact.  However, I still can't believe that this has happened.  It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change.  She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly.  I don't understand the grief process.  There doesn't seem to be a set normal.  The only normal is that it takes time.  And that length of time varies significantly from person to person.  You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different.  Atleast mine does.  I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with.  I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am.  I'm just angry with the situation.  Angry that Jon and I have to go through this.  Angry that my kids have to go through this.

I long for Heaven in a way I never have.  It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there.  Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too.  The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned.  It's never been that way for me.  I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up...  As if I had some control over it.  But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it.  I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living.  However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven.  Especially those I am closest to. 

Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one.  Something I am reminding myself daily.

Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul.  I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.

Anywhere but here....

Oh to be content with my life... This is the secret I am hoping to discover within the pages of the book "One Thousand Gifts" by AnnVoskamp and the Bible of course.  But right now if life had a remote with a rewind or a fast forward button, I would press one of them in a heartbeat.  Most likely I would choose the fast forward button because the rewind would cause me to go through this all over again.  I just want to be past this intensely painful part of my life.  But, unfortunately there is no such remote.  In addition to that I would miss out on all of the spiritual growth going through this sort of thing causes.  However this growth comes with the most excrutiating growing pains.

I have had a few "good" days in between the bad ones.  It seems I am just led to post something on the days that are particularily difficult.  I am continuing to find comfort in music and scripture as well.  Oh how I wish I could feel the arms of Christ surrounding me.  I know they are there and I guess I feel them to an extent, because I truly believe that is the only way I am able to breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other each day.  Though some days those efforts are so painful.  But I want to really feel them like the words of the Kari Jobe song, The More I seek You say "I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand.  Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat"

Yesterday, I had another "visit" from a ladybug.  I know some believe that these visits are their loved one coming for a visit.  I don't believe that Stephanie is the ladybug.  If you do, please don't be offended, I just don't.  But I do think there is some significance to these visits.  I don't know if God sends them, or Stephanie asks Him to, or if it's some other reason other than pure coincidence.

I am so blessed by others who mention Stephanie.  To hear others use her name is a gift to me.  It reminds me that she has touched so many hearts even though she never even took a breath on this Earth. 

An inspiring article

I can identify with so many of the statements in this article.  I am posting it because it may help you or someone in the future.  There is a link to the actual article but I copied and pasted the text in case one day the link no longer works.

Amazing article about a mom who lost her daughter in a tragic accident...

LAKE FOREST — A van carrying a mother, baby-sitter and three young children from Irvine was broadsided as it emerged from the Foothill Transportation Corridor toll road Saturday afternoon, killing a 4-year-old girl and sending others to the hospital.

--Los Angeles Times, May 26, 1996

*

A routine account of a Memorial Day weekend traffic accident. The victims are nameless and the details are few, but they convey life-changing tragedy. Parents reading it see their worst nightmare: the death of a child. What about the survivors? How do they go on?

The mother driving the van was Jana Alayra, a Christian singer-songwriter whose upbeat children's songs are performed in churches nationwide. The child killed in the crash was her daughter, Eryn Lynn ("Lynnie").

The experience was indeed life-changing for Alayra, who emerged from it with a stronger sense of her faith and with a new mission in reaching out to children and adults.

"The faith I sing about is even more real because a part of me is already in heaven," she told a recent gathering of mothers.

"Anything we try to hold on to--our parents, our children, our jobs, our security--can be gone overnight," she said. "The only thing that will never change is that I am a child of God. He is the anchor for my soul."

Her life took on a new dimension. She began speaking to women's groups with the hope of bringing comfort to those who have had a similar experience.

"I never intended to be a speaker," she said. "But if I can bring the blessing of comfort to someone who is grieving, then I consider it a unique privilege."

Alayra, who once taught second grade in Santa Ana, began her music career by leading worship at church services and vacation Bible school. While serving as the children's music coordinator at Forest Home Christian Conference Center, she met children's music artist Mary Rice Hopkins and became her backup singer for six years. She began writing and performing songs and produced a CD, "Free Indeed," in 1989. Like her later releases, the recording was self-financed and produced.

She released a second CD, "Here in Your Hands," in 1992 shortly after the birth of her daughter Hayley and a devastating divorce from her first husband.

A few years later, she married Ron Alayra, a musician she knew from church. She got pregnant with Lynnie right away and another daughter, Brittany, came along in 1995.

She and her new husband formed a band with friends and began performing her children's songs at churches throughout the state.

She released "Jump Into The Light", a collection of children's songs produced by Ron, and "There Will Come a Day," selections of her adult praise music produced by John Andrew Schreiner in 1995.

The day of the accident began like any other. In the morning, Alayra and the children skated around the neighborhood. When she put them down for a nap in the afternoon, she kissed Lynnie's chubby cheeks. "She had these huge cheeks and I loved to kiss them," she said. "I never would have dreamed that would be the last time."

Around 4:30 p.m., she and the kids headed over to Saddleback Valley Community Church in Lake Forest, where she was scheduled to sing at the evening service. Their 13-year-old baby-sitter, Denee Heinrichs, was along to watch the kids while Alayra performed. Ron stayed behind to work in the studio on a new CD.

Heading south toward Lake Forest, she exited the Foothill Transportation Corridor at Portola Parkway and accidentally ran the light at the intersection. Her Mazda MPV was struck broadside by a four-wheel-drive pickup heading south on Portola.

"There was hurt and glass and crying and screaming," Alayra said. Injured and disoriented, she turned to check on the children. "Hayley was crying and Brittany was crying. And then I looked in Lynnie's eyes," she said. "I knew she was gone. I could see that she was no longer there."

A bystander put her arms around Alayra and led her over to the curb. The woman began praying softly, "Lord, you are faithful. You know this woman's life. Protect her and comfort her. You will be her future, you will be her peace."

Alayra remembers desperately begging God to bring Lynnie back, but as they prayed, she felt herself letting go. "I felt God's peace," she said. "God sent that woman to tell me what was true . . . that God was with me and would help me through this."

Alayra and the others in the van were not seriously injured. The occupants of the pickup truck were not hurt.

Afterward, she struggled with unbearable regret. If only she'd waited at the intersection . . . if only she'd left at a different time . . . if only she'd taken a different route.

"I began to recognize these thoughts as the words of the enemy," she said. "It's part of the spiritual warfare that Christians face. I knew it would destroy me if I let it."

Alayra and her husband say they don't have all the answers for why God took Lynnie. "But I know there was a plan and a purpose for her short time here," she said. "Her death had a profound impact on kids who knew her. Heaven is not such a looming, scary place because they know someone who lives there."

They are confident that they'll see their daughter again. "Her little spirit is alive in a beautiful place where there is laughter and singing," she said. "God took her in a merciful way. She was napping in the van and died instantly. She went to sleep and woke up in His presence."

Grief comes in waves...

It's been a rough several days.  I'm told grief comes in waves.  A couple of "good" days followed by a couple (or several) "bad" days.  None the less it sucks.  Sorry if that is a word you don't like, but under the circumstances, it's all I can come up with.  Please know that though this post may reflect a lot of my negative emotions, I haven't forgotten that God is right there beside me.  I just need to get this out.  One day when I am able to help someone go through this I want to be able to go back and see both the positive and negative.  I know I am going to come out of this shining but getting there is another story.  It's a long DARK road.  There are little glimpses of light along the path but right now, I'm not going to lie, it is DARK and overwhelmingly scary!  It feels like I will be like this the rest of my life, though I am assured by many who have walked this DARK path, that is not true. Though I will carry this throughout the rest of my life, it will not always feel like this.  I am broken, I am devastated, nothing about this is okay!  I am so overwhelmed that just the day to day stuff, kids fighting, messes, noise makes me think to myself, " I hate my life and I just want to die"  Before you send the police to my house, please know, I am not suicidal.  I do not have plans to harm myself or anyone else.  My Psychiatrist knows of these thoughts and feelings and is not shocked or disturbed by them.  If you've ever grieved before you are probably familiar with these feelings.  If you haven't, consider yourself very fortunate.  I hope you never experience grief this severe.

I held my dear friends newborn baby tonight.  I've held two other babies prior since Stephanie died.  I had to.  I didn't want to avoid them so I started right away.  Just 3 days after learning Stephanie had gone to be with Jesus I held a precious 1 month old baby girl.  At Stephanie's Memorial Luncheon, I held another precious baby girl.  It's hard but it's so rewarding at the same time.  There are four little babies at my church who were born within a 6 week period.  I have chosen to embrace them rather than avoid them.  I think God put these babies in my life for a reason.  Though it is hard seeing them and will be hard to watch them grow up without Stephanie, I choose to make them special to me in a way.  Tonight though, my sweet friend was sitting next to me holding her little boy just crying, understanding how incredibly difficult it was for me, she knows how bad I am hurting.  I just told her it's okay...It's okay... She asked if I'd like to hold him (we've discussed this before, I told her I would want to) and I said yes.  It's bittersweet, but it's an honor to hold a precious life in my arms, even if it's not my sweet Stephanie.  Life is precious!!!

Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a request for people to comment with verses for comfort and encouragement.  If you posted any, thank you.  I read them all and will go back to those verses often as we go through this storm.  Perhaps I will put them in another post. I've added links to some songs below.  Hopefully in time I will be posting actual scripture references in addition to songs.  I am working to make quiet time with God my number one priority of the day.  Something I've wanted to want to do for a long time (not a typo).  Now that God has become more real to me than ever, I need to dig in and really learn Who God is.  I need to stop wasting my faith.  I have wasted so much of my life just doing my own thing, talking the talk but not really walking the walk.  That is all about to change.  Again, I will never know if the reason for Stephanie's death is to change me or if the changes taking place in me are just a side "benefit" to God's real purpose.  The why doesn't really matter.   Humanly speaking, we want to know why, but knowing why won't change that she is gone and won't bring her back.  So I just need to act on what I know God is calling me to do.  Continuing to be lazy about God, is not going to grow me.  Ignoring God's tugging at my heart, will make Stephanie's death be in vain as far as I am concerned.  I cannot let that happen!

Phil Stacey- You're not Shaken

JJ Heller - Your Hands

Josh Wilson - Savior Please

Casting Crowns - If We Ever Needed You

Casting Crowns - Jesus Hold Me Now

Casting Crowns - Praise You in this Storm

Casting Crowns - The Voice of Truth

Life goes on...

but I hate that it has to without Stephanie.  Like it or not there are things that must be done.  Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, Dr. appointments and pretty soon...homeschool.  This past week, it was making a menu and grocery list that made it painfully clear that life has to move on without her.  I have 5 amazingly wonderful little girls that need me and I can't let my grieving for the child that no longer needs me or thoughts of having another child in the future continuously consume me.  Sure there will be times when I miss her so much that I can hardly bear it, but it can't be all the time.  I need to be here for them, not just here in the physical sense but here in every way they need me to be.

Hold Me Jesus- Rich Mullins

A letter to my Angel Princess (1 month mark)

To My precious Stephanie,

Though I know you will never see this, I just feel I need to write out what's on my heart and it feels right to address it to you. I wish so much that you could see and respond. But I will have to wait until that sweet day that we are reunited in Heaven. My arms ache to hold you!

Today marks one month since we found out you had gone to be with Jesus, though the official record says the 16th. Baby girl, I miss you so much. I wanted you so bad. Though you were a bit of a surprise to Daddy and I, we were so looking forward to you joining our family. Though you weren't planned by us, you were very much planned by God. We had no idea that you would only be entrusted to us for such a short time. It would have been really crazy for awhile with Samantha being so little still, but we would have managed. There were times when I was completely overwhelmed with how I was going to manage and I remember telling my mom that I didn't want you to come and than followed that up with but of course, I didn't want you to die either. I'm so sorry for saying that or even thinking that. I know that saying that didn't make this happen but I would give anything to have you here with me.

Your Daddy and sisters miss you so much too. They each have their way of expressing it. For Daddy, it's realizing the things he does with your sisters, he'll never get to do with you. For Rachel, she gets sad when she goes in her room because you were supposed to share it with her when you got a little older. For Rebekah, she is mostly quiet but she will come give me a hug when I am crying. For Abigail, she sings songs about you. For Lexi, she cries for you at night mostly, but also asks me daily if I miss you. Samantha, is too young to get it but when we mention your name, she pulls up my shirt, because she remembers you were there. I remember you were there! My hand still rests on my belly at times out of habit from feeling you. You were loved from the moment I knew you were there. I hope you felt that.

So my little Angel Princess, I have so many questions about what it is like in Heaven. You know no different other than the comforts of my womb. For me it is such mystery. The Bible talks about it some and there are books written about what it may be like, but nobody here on Earth really knows. Have you gotten to sit on Jesus' lap? Is Grandma Schmaltz helping to take care of you? Do you have another sibling there? I believe Lexi had a twin that is there with you. What do you look like now? Will we really be reunited as a family again? Will you be as special to us then as you are now? Can you see us? Are you cheering us on and praying on our behalf like some books suggest? Do you know how long we have to wait to see you? Do you know how much you are loved and missed or just how many lives you've touched?

God has really been comforting us through this. He's more real to me now than ever before! For that I am grateful, I just wish that could have been accomplished in a different way. A way that did not include being told you died inside of me and delivering your lifeless body after 26 hours of labor. A way that didn't include leaving the hospital with empty arms. But God is changing my heart because of you my little ladybug. He's changing parts of my heart that had been resistant until now. I will never know why this happened. Maybe it was to change me, maybe that is just an added benefit to the original purpose. You will never be forgotten, my sweet girl.

I'm sure as time goes by I will have much more to share and "ask" you but for today I will close with my last Facebook status...From the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

♫♪We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do♫♪

I love you Forever,

Mommy ♥