Bloom where you are planted...

 



Just recently, I have found myself even more involved in the online bereaved parents community, and I began to feel a little jealous of some of the things some other parents have accomplished in the name of their children often just weeks or months after their child has passed (some even before).  Please, let me explain.  It's not that I begrudge your accomplishments or think my story is more worthy of telling.  I am truly amazed by you.  You have turned your tragedy into triumph.  You inspire me to do more.

It's funny, I never considered myself a prideful person, but God keeps revealing to me that I am.  It looks different than the way I typically see a prideful person.  God will use our most vulnerable moments to reveal some of out biggest sin issues.  While I'm in awe of how God has used our experience to reach many and given me a voice on Facebook especially, I can't help but wonder what He could accomplish if I got out of the way.  If I set aside my wants and desires to use our experience and just let Him guide me.  I am always eager to talk about Stephanie and how God has healed our broken hearts beyond what we could have imagined.  But I only want pursue that if He wants me to.

As a mom to 7 living children, I have a lot on my plate and so that limits me on pursuing some of my wants and desires at this time.  This is not a bad thing.  I love being Mommy to the blessings God has allowed me the privilege of raising.  My training as a Stillbirthday Birth and Bereavement Doula will still be "good"  when I no longer have to worry about finding childcare to go help in a moments notice.  For now, I will be content in being involved in our support group and helping to encourage online.  I will be praying for opportunities for God to use our story to bless others and trusting that he will work out all of the tiny details to make the things He wants to happen possible.

I've been mulling this over for a few days and the phrase "Bloom where you're planted" filled my mind.  This happened in a very similar way to when I heard "Be still and know that I am God."  I can't say for certain God spoke to me, but I strongly suspect it.  A friend of mine also posted this reminder on her Facebook page yesterday.  I didn't see it until today thanks to Facebook's algorithms, haha.  It was quite timely though, and was what prompted me to write this post.

So with that said, perhaps you are feeling like you are limited in how you can help your child's legacy to live on.  Perhaps you've been experiencing a little jealousy yourself.  I just want to encourage you to bloom where you are planted.  Perhaps the people God wants to use you to minister to are in your own homes, neighborhoods, churches, mommy groups or even on Facebook.  That is where you are currently planted.  God may choose to transplant you to another garden at a later date.  Pray for opportunities, wait on the Lord to open doors and be willing to follow Him through those doors in His time.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

♥ I am grateful for who I've become since "losing" Stephanie (for the record, I know she is not lost, I know right where she is)  It is a path I never would have chosen but one I'm grateful for none-the-less.  There's a poem that circulates among the bereaved parents community called "The Ugly Pair of Shoes"http://www.ivillage.com/forums/node/4161067
Though "My Shoes" still ache from time to time, I no longer see them as ugly.  Because of this, I feel different than my fellow bereaved mommy's.  I wonder if I may be less helpful too them because they may not be able to relate.  Or will it be inspiring, to see that God can heal a broken heart faster than anticipated.   Perhaps I no longer see "Ugly Shoes" because God makes ALL things beautiful in His time.  His time for you may be longer or shorter than it was for me.
I do really well most days, sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me because in my mind I think, no normal person can move past the deep grieving as quickly as I did.  However, I have to remind myself that is a LIE from Satan himself.  God graciously granted that healing.  It didn't come from anything I did or didn't do.  But there are moments triggered by songs quotes, pictures and smells that just take me down.  As hard as it can be, I welcome it because they are a reminder that I am indeed human.  Those tears and pain help me feel the bond we still have.  A bond that not even death can break.  Grief tends to be judged.  Some feel you grieve too long.  Some see you happy and think, "Wow! She got over that fast." I post many things on Facebook about grief.  Most of the time it is not a reflection of my emotions at the time.  I have many Facebook friends each of them going through a variety of different trials at any given time.  I am very sensitive to that.  I empathize with so many.  One of my spiritual gifts is that I'm an encourager.

I hope I've made it clear that my healing is not of my own doing.  I give all that Glory to God.  It is by His grace alone that I am who I am. I've recently heard the song "Beautiful" by Dan Bremnes.  I think it describes my healing so well.  I love the following lines to the song...

"And You
Changed me from what I used to be
Opened my eyes 
Now I can see
You're making this life so beautiful
And You 
Making me who I'm called to be
Rescued my heart 
Now I am free
You're making this life so beautiful
So beautiful"

It has been too long...

It has been so long since I updated this.  Most of you keep up with me on Facebook so I kind of let this go because we have been so busy.  We moved our family in early June and spent most of May (and June really) packing.  We've been trying to get settled in our new home since.  We've had to find a new church and new places to shop.  Nothing is close by.  Life is crazy.  The older kids have started school so I have a little extra time during naptime to get back to blogging.  I am still working on my Doula class.  I've finished the training part and am now working on the book reports and project that need to be completed in order to be credentialed.  I have had the honor of helping a few families online through the loss of their babies.  It truly is an honor.  I am looking forward to getting credentialed so that I can minister to more families.

Today is the 16th, which means it's 26 months since Stephanie was born.  Surprisingly, the last couple of months (August and September) the 15th and 16th have come and gone with little to no emotion.  It does still creep up randomly, regardless of the date, and is triggered by unexpected things (one of which is the smell of freshly laid blacktop, because our street was resurfaced the week that she died).  There is not one day that passes that I don't think of her at some point.  Often many points.  Usually without tears.  She is thought about, she is talked about.  She is not forgotten.  We don't dwell in the sadness.  For us, she is part of our forever family and we treat her as such.  Our girls are tender hearted and well adjusted.  They have experienced something that no child should have to.  But they are not damaged.  They are great!

Until today, I hadn't been inspired to write much.  I share a lot of brief thoughts and encouraging posts on Facebook, but just didn't have anything meaningful enough to write about.  I'm hoping to do better about that.  So until next time...

Helping others...

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction.

This past week, I had the honor of doing just that.  I was able to help another grieving family.  The first time (in real life, not online) since losing Stephanie.  Out of respect for the family,  I will not be sharing the details but I had the priveledge of holding their precious child who's spirit was already resting safe in the arms of Jesus.  I was able to share some of the things that helped me and assure them that the Lord would bring them through this, just as He has for me and my family.   I was also able to pray with them and a couple others from my church. It was hard, but to be able to empathize with someone in a way that few people can is truly an honor.  Lord willing, I intend to go through the training to become certified as a Stillbirthday Birth & Bereavement Doula.   I will then be able to have the resources to help more.  I am swamped with the twins at the moment but when things settle down a bit, I really want to pursue this.  I have experience in something I wish I didn't,  but I'm going to use it for God's glory.  It is also a positive way to keep Stephanie's memory alive.

18 long months

18 months is a long time to not see one of your loved ones.  But that's exactly how long it has been.  Today marks 18 months since Stephanie's birth.  I had a good cry tonight, a much over due one.  I've felt on edge all day and then it hit me, today is the 16th.  I wish I had more to say but today im just sad.  Overwhelmed by the 7 blessings I have on Earth and missing the one I have in Heaven.   My days are full of feeding and changing babies.  A lot of No's and I don't want to's from a toddler.  A school aged child who is constantly causing trouble and not enough Mommy to go around.   Please know, I'm not complaining really.  I'm just in an overwhelming season.   God is getting me through daily.  Im so glad He fills the gaps of the areas where I fail (which are many).  Each one of my children are here because God allowed them to be and I am grateful! 

Recently a friend posted about it being the anniversary of his Dad's passing.   He was rejoicing that his dad is with the Lord and though he misses him, he does not wish him back.  This was my comment to his post... If I had been enlightened as to what was going to happen with Stephanie,  and was given the choice to allow it or stop it, I would have stopped it with all that I have in me.  Not knowing the reason God chose this of course.  However,  even if given the choice once it had happened,  I too would not wish her back.  I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could.  I do wish the rest of us there though.  Not in a morbid way, but in a longing for home sort of way.

1 year since we said goodbye...What a difference a year makes!

My sweet Stephanie ♥

Wow!  How has it been a year, since you left us?  In some ways, it seems forever ago and other ways, especially today, it seems like yesterday.  I want to share something profound and impactful but today, I'm just sad.  Not for what you missed out on, for you, my sweet girl, are the lucky one.  I'm sad because until we are reunited in Heaven, our family is incomplete without you.  You are very much a part of our lives, just not the way we thought you would be.  Your short life has impacted so many people!  The outpouring of love and support from friends and family and those we've not even met in real life is overwhelming in an amazing way.  We miss you our little ladybug.  We can't wait to see you and can't wait to hold you.  Jason and Julianna, filled our aching empty arms, but no one will fill the void in our hearts.  That spot is reserved just for you.  You are forever a part of our family, that will never change.  There's a saying that goes...It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I wasn't so sure that was true a year ago because it hurt so bad but I finally can say that it's true.  We are all better because of how God used you to change our lives.

Love,

Mommy ♥

I would never have imagined our life like this, one year ago.  I truly felt life as we knew it was over and often wanted it to be in those first couple of months.  I hope so much that we have been a testament to God's faithfulness and continue to be in the years to come.  I hope that God will continue to use Stephanie's story and the story of the twins and whatever else He has for us, good and bad, to impact lives for Him and that they will come to know Him as their personal Savior.  I think God is going to use us in BIG ways and even greater ways than we've seen this year.  Just yesterday, I was contacted by an old friend, a pastors wife, asking for insight for her husband who must take on the unenviable task of officiating a funeral for another full term baby lost.  What an honor to be able to help in that way.  I wish for that family that they didn't have to endure this pain but am honored to help.  Unfortunately, babies will die, and for reasons we won't ever understand, because we live in a sin cursed world.  God will use whatever means he sees necessary to bring people to Him.  If your life has been changed in that way due to the story of Stephanie and how God is working in our lives, we are honored to have been used.  We are thankful for the changes in our own lives, drawing us closer to God.  We will always wish it could have been accomplished some other way, but God's way is perfect.  It's been a wild ride but we are just clinging to our faith and know that God will continue to be with us, guiding us through all of the ups and downs and twists and turns of life.

The Birth Story of the twins!

Birth Story of Jason and Julianna

We arrived at the hospital on July 3, at 7:00am, though apparently, this was not the correct time. My Dr. intended to wait until 3:00 to begin Pitocin so that he could be there when I delivered. So we got settled and just waited. I contracted on my own off and on but they didn't do anything to cause changes to my cervix. Jason's head was still pretty high -3 or -4 depending on who checked. As planned the Pitocin was hooked up at 3:00 and it wasn't long until I felt the contractions consistently. This was to be a VBAC so it had to be done carefully and slowly. The pitocin was bumped up every 30-60 minutes. After about 3 hours I the contractions were pretty uncomfortable. I felt like a total wimp considering an epidural that quickly (I lasted 23 hours unmedicated with Stephanie) but they were really starting to hurt and I decided that I had nothing to prove so I went ahead and requested it. (If you are reading this and were able to do it unmedicated, I don't mean to suggest that you somehow did have something to prove but at that point, I couldn't think of one reason to not get it or to wait on it. It was not forced but my Dr. highly suggested it in case of emergency during delivery.) My Doctor was going to be breaking my water and hour or so later and the last time he did that with the baby high up still, her arm came out and had to be pushed in and I had no epidural that time and it was excruciatingly painful. So I got the epidural...sweet relief!!! It was shift change time and our nurse Lisa had to go but Melissa took over. Melissa happened to be a mom of twins as well (a few of our nurses during our stay were twin moms). Melissa also shared a common faith and once we had discovered that, she prayed with us concerning the delivery and we really appreciated that. My Doctor broke my water around 7:30 or 8:00. And then we just waited. I began feeling the contractions again around 9:30 or 10:00 but they were more uncomfortable than anything and it was right at my cervix that they hurt. We continued to wait. As it approached midnight, I was determined to hold off until then because I had hoped they'd be born on the 4^th of July. I wouldn't have chosen that birthday for them, my Doctor did and at that point I thought it would be a shame if they were born just shy of midnight. Or I figured, leave it to me, to have one twin on the 3^rd and the other on the 4^th. Midnight finally hit. Prior to that I was in no hurry. I was stuck at 6 cm for the longest time and Jason hadn't moved down really at all. I asked the nurse if there was any positions that would maybe help things along and she suggested rolling on my right side. I did that but Jason did not like that one bit. His heart rate dropped. (That was scary) I rolled over to my back. His heart rate came back up. Then tried rolling to the left. He didn't care much for that either (scary again). I was asked if I felt pressure, at that point it wasn't extreme but yes I felt like I was getting there. The resident checked me and said, it's time to move to the back (the OR). They rushed me off. Jon was left wondering what he was supposed to do and if he was going to miss the delivery. I felt bad for him. Thankfully one of the other nurses noticed and took charge of getting him some scrubs and back to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to transfer to the OR table. I then was waiting for them to get everything prepared for just about any situation that could arise. Waiting to push is torture. I kinda pushed anyway but I swear they had me on an incline (head down slightly) to make it so I couldn't push against gravity. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it made me crazy. Finally, they were ready for me to push. I felt like I had lost my “mojo” at that point, but began to push. I haven't had to count to push since my first delivery, but did this time. I'd guess I pushed for 10 minutes or less and then I heard the most beautiful sound...Jason's first cry! He was taken directly over to the warmer to me checked out and so my Dr. could proceed with making sure all was well with Julianna. He had to check her presentation. And by that I mean he had his entire hand in my uterus. (REALLY glad I got the epidural before enduring that.) I was trying to push thinking it was Julianna coming out but it was his arm going in. It was then determined that she was head down and I began pushing her out. Then just 9 minutes after Jason was born, I heard her first cry...music to my ears. She was also whisked away to the warmer to be checked out. My work wasn't quite done yet. Still had the placentas. I felt them coming out and pushed. It took more effort than I recall in the past. They actually came out together. Later I found out that they had fused together. A big gush of blood followed, which seemed to temporarily alarm my Doctor though after that initial blood gush all was well. I hated not seeing and feeling my babies but wow, what I had just done was amazing. I transferred back to my bed and was handed my two precious babies. What a moment that was! I was then wheeled back to my room with my double rainbow blessings.