Moving on = Betrayal???

10/16/2012

After a significant stretch of mostly up days, out of nowhere I was hit with this feeling of guilt and betrayal of Stephanie.  I know this is not true, but feel it necessary to share for two reasons.  The first because writing it out helps me and the second because it seems to be a common feeling and I wanted to share it for those who find this blog helpful in their own grieving process.

I've mentioned this "guilty" feeling before but it's different this time.  Stronger.  It goes beyond a feeling of I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment and then back to grieving.  It's that there is this feeling like I haven't grieved her long enough, or my love for her is somehow measured by the tears that I cry.  This is simply not true.  This is one of those lies that Satan uses to try to keep me in the pit.  I refuse to allow it.  There is no such way to measure love.  Here is the Truth to fight that lie...

The only measurement for love I know of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Nowhere does it say anything about how long one should grieve their child and by cutting that "short" of whatever expectation you have for what is normal somehow makes you a bad mom.  Nowhere does it say that one must cry "X" amount of tears in order to show your love.  This is not to say tears are bad.  They are not, but it certainly is no way to measure my love.  Love is not a feeling...it is an action.  The best way I can show my love for Stephanie is to love others.
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10/17/2012

Today has been one of those minute by minute days.  I had a major cry fest in the shower.  I did feel better after so it was probably a good thing.  In spite of the struggle, I pushed my way through the day reminding myself of Truth and thanking God for the things I AM thankful for.  I went to church tonight even though I did not FEEL like it and as usual was blessed by the message in the book, Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick.  It's amazing how I've missed so many truths about God all of these years.  The most important is just how much God loves me.  Going through the death of Stephanie left me with so many questions.  Though I knew better, I began to think that God was punishing me for something.  This book has helped me to remember that God doesn't work that way.  If you are reading this and wonder, does God even care?  I urge you to read this book!  It will make things so clear.

Another important thing is that we want things to happen immediately.  We want the biggest bang for our buck.  We want a big immediate reward for just a little bit of obedience.  We need to perservere through our trials and not give up when it is hard.  If we give up, we will miss out on the spiritual growth that occurs during those times.

I've realized that my faith really hasn't been tested much before or perhaps it has and I missed it.  We've had plenty of trials through our 10 years of marriage but somehow I didn't stop and pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from them.  I grumbled through them.  I complained and I cried.  Eventually the trial passed or maybe I just got used to things being hard.  But did it cause me to turn to God?  Not really, I may have prayed once or twice, and asked others to pray, but it never caused a change in me.  I believe this has.