1 year since we said goodbye...What a difference a year makes!

My sweet Stephanie ♥

Wow!  How has it been a year, since you left us?  In some ways, it seems forever ago and other ways, especially today, it seems like yesterday.  I want to share something profound and impactful but today, I'm just sad.  Not for what you missed out on, for you, my sweet girl, are the lucky one.  I'm sad because until we are reunited in Heaven, our family is incomplete without you.  You are very much a part of our lives, just not the way we thought you would be.  Your short life has impacted so many people!  The outpouring of love and support from friends and family and those we've not even met in real life is overwhelming in an amazing way.  We miss you our little ladybug.  We can't wait to see you and can't wait to hold you.  Jason and Julianna, filled our aching empty arms, but no one will fill the void in our hearts.  That spot is reserved just for you.  You are forever a part of our family, that will never change.  There's a saying that goes...It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I wasn't so sure that was true a year ago because it hurt so bad but I finally can say that it's true.  We are all better because of how God used you to change our lives.

Love,

Mommy ♥

I would never have imagined our life like this, one year ago.  I truly felt life as we knew it was over and often wanted it to be in those first couple of months.  I hope so much that we have been a testament to God's faithfulness and continue to be in the years to come.  I hope that God will continue to use Stephanie's story and the story of the twins and whatever else He has for us, good and bad, to impact lives for Him and that they will come to know Him as their personal Savior.  I think God is going to use us in BIG ways and even greater ways than we've seen this year.  Just yesterday, I was contacted by an old friend, a pastors wife, asking for insight for her husband who must take on the unenviable task of officiating a funeral for another full term baby lost.  What an honor to be able to help in that way.  I wish for that family that they didn't have to endure this pain but am honored to help.  Unfortunately, babies will die, and for reasons we won't ever understand, because we live in a sin cursed world.  God will use whatever means he sees necessary to bring people to Him.  If your life has been changed in that way due to the story of Stephanie and how God is working in our lives, we are honored to have been used.  We are thankful for the changes in our own lives, drawing us closer to God.  We will always wish it could have been accomplished some other way, but God's way is perfect.  It's been a wild ride but we are just clinging to our faith and know that God will continue to be with us, guiding us through all of the ups and downs and twists and turns of life.

The Birth Story of the twins!

Birth Story of Jason and Julianna

We arrived at the hospital on July 3, at 7:00am, though apparently, this was not the correct time. My Dr. intended to wait until 3:00 to begin Pitocin so that he could be there when I delivered. So we got settled and just waited. I contracted on my own off and on but they didn't do anything to cause changes to my cervix. Jason's head was still pretty high -3 or -4 depending on who checked. As planned the Pitocin was hooked up at 3:00 and it wasn't long until I felt the contractions consistently. This was to be a VBAC so it had to be done carefully and slowly. The pitocin was bumped up every 30-60 minutes. After about 3 hours I the contractions were pretty uncomfortable. I felt like a total wimp considering an epidural that quickly (I lasted 23 hours unmedicated with Stephanie) but they were really starting to hurt and I decided that I had nothing to prove so I went ahead and requested it. (If you are reading this and were able to do it unmedicated, I don't mean to suggest that you somehow did have something to prove but at that point, I couldn't think of one reason to not get it or to wait on it. It was not forced but my Dr. highly suggested it in case of emergency during delivery.) My Doctor was going to be breaking my water and hour or so later and the last time he did that with the baby high up still, her arm came out and had to be pushed in and I had no epidural that time and it was excruciatingly painful. So I got the epidural...sweet relief!!! It was shift change time and our nurse Lisa had to go but Melissa took over. Melissa happened to be a mom of twins as well (a few of our nurses during our stay were twin moms). Melissa also shared a common faith and once we had discovered that, she prayed with us concerning the delivery and we really appreciated that. My Doctor broke my water around 7:30 or 8:00. And then we just waited. I began feeling the contractions again around 9:30 or 10:00 but they were more uncomfortable than anything and it was right at my cervix that they hurt. We continued to wait. As it approached midnight, I was determined to hold off until then because I had hoped they'd be born on the 4^th of July. I wouldn't have chosen that birthday for them, my Doctor did and at that point I thought it would be a shame if they were born just shy of midnight. Or I figured, leave it to me, to have one twin on the 3^rd and the other on the 4^th. Midnight finally hit. Prior to that I was in no hurry. I was stuck at 6 cm for the longest time and Jason hadn't moved down really at all. I asked the nurse if there was any positions that would maybe help things along and she suggested rolling on my right side. I did that but Jason did not like that one bit. His heart rate dropped. (That was scary) I rolled over to my back. His heart rate came back up. Then tried rolling to the left. He didn't care much for that either (scary again). I was asked if I felt pressure, at that point it wasn't extreme but yes I felt like I was getting there. The resident checked me and said, it's time to move to the back (the OR). They rushed me off. Jon was left wondering what he was supposed to do and if he was going to miss the delivery. I felt bad for him. Thankfully one of the other nurses noticed and took charge of getting him some scrubs and back to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to transfer to the OR table. I then was waiting for them to get everything prepared for just about any situation that could arise. Waiting to push is torture. I kinda pushed anyway but I swear they had me on an incline (head down slightly) to make it so I couldn't push against gravity. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it made me crazy. Finally, they were ready for me to push. I felt like I had lost my “mojo” at that point, but began to push. I haven't had to count to push since my first delivery, but did this time. I'd guess I pushed for 10 minutes or less and then I heard the most beautiful sound...Jason's first cry! He was taken directly over to the warmer to me checked out and so my Dr. could proceed with making sure all was well with Julianna. He had to check her presentation. And by that I mean he had his entire hand in my uterus. (REALLY glad I got the epidural before enduring that.) I was trying to push thinking it was Julianna coming out but it was his arm going in. It was then determined that she was head down and I began pushing her out. Then just 9 minutes after Jason was born, I heard her first cry...music to my ears. She was also whisked away to the warmer to be checked out. My work wasn't quite done yet. Still had the placentas. I felt them coming out and pushed. It took more effort than I recall in the past. They actually came out together. Later I found out that they had fused together. A big gush of blood followed, which seemed to temporarily alarm my Doctor though after that initial blood gush all was well. I hated not seeing and feeling my babies but wow, what I had just done was amazing. I transferred back to my bed and was handed my two precious babies. What a moment that was! I was then wheeled back to my room with my double rainbow blessings.

11 months...1 day late, and other updates.

So it's now been 11 months.  Just another month until we reach 1 year.  We've got so much going on in the next few weeks, with the babies coming.  We are planning a small get together for our local friends and family on July 16 at 7pm (more info to follow on Facebook).  All are welcome, but nobody is expected to be there.  We will not be hurt if it is not well attended.  Whether you are local or not, we would like you to help us "remember" Stephanie we've created a Facebook event https://www.facebook.com/events/506634969389816/.
We continue to miss her terribly, though we are comforted in knowing where she is.  Our coming twins are a blessing, but they will never replace Stephanie.

Speaking of the twins.  I am currently 35 weeks and 2 days.  Being pregnant after a full term loss, is scary to say the least.  Yes, we are trusting in God.  He is in control.  But the thing that is hard, is He was in control when Stephanie died too.  He was not on vacation, He did not fall asleep.  That is where the struggle lies.  We know that should something terrible happen, He will be right there with us, just as He always has been, but being in this vulnerable position, where we don't know what will happen, knowing that He could choose to call Jason and/or Julianna home too, is sometimes overwhelming.  Many have said, "Oh, I don't think God would make you go through that again".  But there is no guarantee.  Have you read the story of Job?  There are many people who have lost many children.  Please don't think that I am constantly thinking the negative, I don't entertain those thoughts for long and replace them with the truths in Scripture.  I write this because as those who read it go through a pregnancy after a loss they will see, if these thoughts and concerns are present, they are not alone in thinking it.  I'm guessing it is quite normal, in fact.  That said, we are extremely excited about these babies coming into our lives.  We are hoping, praying and trusting that they are born alive and healthy.  I can't wait to introduce them to you!

9 months...She's now been gone as long as she was here :'-(

Today marks 9 months since our beautiful Stephanie went to be with Jesus.  In some ways it seems like just yesterday and other ways it seems like so long ago.   Today was a bittersweet day.  We went to an OB appointment today.  All is well with the twins, and for those of you who don't follow me on Facebook or CafeMom, the twins are a girl and a BOY!  After 6 girls we are finally adding a boy to our family and another precious girl.  We have chosen to name them Jason Edward and Julianna Lynn.  We took a brief tour of Labor and Delivery.  We did that to see it newly remodeled and to see if being up there caused any significant anxiety.  Thankfully it did not, though I didn't go in the room where I was told she had died because there was a patient in there.  I guess I will wait until I have to be in there and see what happens.

I don't know why but I want to address something.  When a loved one dies, it is common for others to console you with "They are in a better place" or "They are in Paradise" or "They are with Jesus".  This is comforting, but it seems that you are expected to suddenly switch from devastated to elated.  Those who've lost loved one after they have suffered a terrible illness may find this more comforting than someone who has lost a baby.  You see when you first get that positive pregnancy test or see that little bean on ultrasound, I'm sure you never thought to yourself, "Gee, if we're really lucky, God will take this baby to Paradise before he/she even takes a breath on this Earth or before they (insert any life event here)".  I guess I just wanted to give a perspective on this.  Not really to caution you from saying it.  I probably will at some point, when trying to comfort a bereaved family because it is comforting to know our babies are safe and sound, even more so than if they were here with us, but understanding that although there is comfort in that knowledge, it doesn't really lessen the devastation that we feel knowing that this little one we've been bonding with from the moment we knew they were there, is now only a memory we carry for the rest of our Earthly lives until the day we are reunited forever in Heaven.

6 months without you...

My precious Stephanie,

Oh sweet girl, mommy is missing you so much tonight.  It's officially been 6 months since the day you died.  Though it was another whole day until you were delivered, the 15th is the day our lives changed forever.  It's been awhile since I've missed you this much.  There isn't a day that goes by that you are not thought of and missed.  I am looking forward to the birth of your siblings, but they will never replace you.  My arms ache for you.  I continue to long for the day that I can hold you.  Your sisters, the new babies, no one will take away that ache that can only be filled by you.  It may not be felt as often, but it will always be there, until we are there with you.

God has done amazing things in our lives since he called you home.  Though I am grateful for the change, I will always wish those things could have been accomplished through some other way, but that was not God's plan.

I miss you so much.  That will never stop.  You are and forever will be a significant part of our lives.  Your absence is noticed daily.

I love you my Angel Princess!

Love,

Mommy

Stephanie's Memorial Service (I just felt like I should repost the link for those who weren't able to come or for those who haven't had a chance to watch it)
**************************************************************
It seems like there have been so many tragic losses and battles with terminal illnesses with in the Christian community.  I realize these things are happening outside of the Christian community as well but being a Christian, I am speaking from this perspective.  And by tragic, I mean young parents, babies and children.  I do not mean to minimize the loss of parents of adult children or grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.  Those are hard, there is no doubt about it.  But they are expected.  Nobody expects to lose their baby before or shortly after birth.  No one expects to have a child diagnosed with cancer.  No one expects their spouse to battle a terminal illness or to be killed in an accident. Not that we think we are "above" that. I guess it's just that we all have this built in knowledge that it wasn't supposed to be this way. When God created the world, there was no sin. Therefore, no death. However, as soon as sin entered in, so did death. But it wasn't suppposed to be. We all know these things happen, but we do not expect it. We certainly don't expect it to happen to us.  I believe there is a reason for this.  This is just my opinion.  I believe God has chosen us, and other Christian people to steward these burdens to show His glory.  We demonstrate that even when faced with horrific circumstances, our faith and loyalty not only continues, but flourishes and shines.  I believe He is using us to further His Kingdom, to win more souls for Him.  So that people will see what He has done in our lives and will want that for theirs!  I believe His return is soon.  I don't claim to know when.  The bible says no one knows the day or the hour.  But there are signs that are becoming more and more clear that we are coming closer to that day.  It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be next year, it could be several decades from now, it could be before you finish reading this blog.  Are you ready?  Do you know the difference between religion and relationship with Jesus?  I can tell you this, it wasn't religion that got me through Stephanie's death, it was and continues to be Jesus.

BIG NEWS and a Farewell to 2012

First off, I've shared on Facebook and CafeMom. but some of you may not have heard.  On Thursday December 27th, at a routine OB appointment, it was discovered that we are having TWINS!!!  We couldn't believe our eyes or our ears.  I've already had an ultrasound but somehow the 2nd one was hiding.  I've honestly never really hoped or wished for twins, but I've been saying since before we even conceived that we'd probably have twin boys if we "tried" again (thinking that would be the ultimate display of God's sense of humor) .  We do not know their genders yet and won't for a couple of monts.  At the first ultrasound, though I've never wished for twins, I was a little disappointed  but mostly relieved.  Our girls were disappointed that it wasn't twins.  So imagine all of our surprise (Jon and the girls came to my appointment that day) to find out God had indeed BLESSED us with TWINS!!!  This does, however, explain a lot.  I typically do not gain weight when pregnant but have gained some weight.  I am showing quite a bit, but explained that away as being my 7th pregnancy in only 10 years, and the last few had been very close together.  I've also been extremely hungry.  I have a special diet to follow when I am pregnant and have been able to stick to it for the most part but the last couple of months, not so much.  One other thing is the EXTREME fatigue.  I know I have my hands full, but the exhaustion I've felt is like I've never felt before.  So we are thrilled though overwhelmed.  We know God will supply ALL of our needs.  Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.

Now to bid adieu to 2012.  Full of inexpressible pain in the death of Stephanie, but also tremendous spiritual growth.  I would have given anything to have grown through some other trial.  However, God had other plans.  I would never have expected to live through losing a child.  I so didn't want to.  Each day when I woke up I was disappointed that I had.  However, God began working in me.  He used His people to walk me through this.  I was told to FOCUS ON THE TRUTH!  I was told I AM NOT A VICTIM!  I AM NOT THE MOTHER OF A DEAD BABY!  I AM A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST!!! I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!!  HE LOVES ME!!  It was hard to hear some of these things but over time, I started to believe them.  For a while I was in bondage to my emotions.  I had to let go.  I had to let God do His work in me and stop fighting it, if I ever wanted to feel normal again.  I had to realize that this didn't mean I was okay with Stephanie dying.  Honestly, it really doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not.   I could no longer try to express my love for her in my grief.  I think bereaved parents do that.  We have no other way to express our love so we feel we must grieve hard and long to prove our love.  Perhaps this is an assumption, but I think that is what I was trying to do at first.  I still miss her with all of my heart and long for the day that we are reunited.   Not a day goes by that I don't think of her several times.   I still have a lot of growing to do.  God is nowhere near done with me.  But, I am no longer just surviving.  I am living again!  I am stronger!  In every aspect of my being.  With God, I can do anything!

So that said, I am glad 2012 is over.  I am looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  However, I am trying to just be content in the moment.  Not dwelling on the past or putting too much hope in the future.  My hope is in the LORD!

Our Christmas Letter and Picture

To all of our dear family and friends:

 

As many of you are aware, this year has been full of both ups and downs for us. In February of this year, we moved from the basement we had lived in for two years, to a home in Roseville. Though we miss our family, that we were living with, living above ground has improved both our moods and our overall health.

In March, we learned that our 6^th blessing, due July 26, 2012 was to be a girl! We were very excited to be welcoming her to our family. At that time we decided her name was to be Stephanie Ruth.

In May, Jon and I celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss! Towards the end of May, I was put on a modified bed rest due to Pre-Eclampsia. Many of our church family pitched in to help us with meals and cleaning. We are so grateful for that!

July is the month where our lives were forever changed. (This is the abbreviated version, to view the full story, read the archives on this blog) On Sunday, July 15, I woke up after having a dream about Jon's mom (whose name is Mary Joanna, she passed away 3/2011). This dream prompted me to suggest changing Stephanie's middle name to Joanna. I laid in bed feeling her move that morning. Later in the day, I realized I hadn't felt her move in quite awhile. After laying down and still not feeling anything, I headed to the hospital and my worst fears were confirmed, Stephanie's heart stopped beating. After 26 hours of induced labor, Stephanie's lifeless body was delivered. The girls came up to the hospital to see the sister they had been waiting for. They all got to hold her. Pictures were taken by a volunteer photographer from the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We ultimately decided to change her middle name to Joanna, believing there was some sort of significance to the dream I had that morning. A Memorial Service was planned for the following Saturday. We spent that first week planning the service.

The next few months are a bit of a blur. There were many hard days. A lot of sadness. However, through this situation, it has become abundantly clear how much God loves His children. We have been comforted in ways we never expected and quicker than we ever thought possible. The scriptures have been a comfort. We now have a greater understanding of them, especially the verses about comfort, suffering and the unending Love of God. Christian Music was a huge comfort especially in those early days, when picking up the Bible was just too much to bear. God has used His people, who have been through the pain of a life changing loss, to comfort us through this time. Many would speak the TRUTH in LOVE. Though sometimes that was hard to hear, looking back, that is one of the things that helped the most. Our church family also began a prayer schedule where people signed up for blocks of time to spend specifically in prayer for us, 24 hours a day for 6 weeks! What a blessing this was! God also used books written by Mothers who've also lost a child. Reading about their grief validated the things I was feeling and helped me realize that the thoughts and doubts were common. It also helped me realize that whether your child died inside of your womb, shortly after birth or many years later, the pain is the same, though the circumstances are different. We also found a support group called Friends Supporting Parents, which has been a great help, for which we are thankful for. Jon and I (and the girls) are forever changed by this experience and though we would have never chosen to walk this road, we are on it and chose to turn our grief into gratitude and grow. We realized we can either let it ruin us or we can allow God to work through us, and be a part of making positive changes in the lives of those who hear Stephanie's story.

That brings us to October. Jon and I went away to a Marriage Seminar called a Weekend to Remember in Columbus, OH. The registration was gifted to us after Family Life heard about the loss of Stephanie. We were both enlightened that perhaps one day, we could become a part of the Family Life Staff. Just two years prior, I had not wanted any part of that and thought Jon was crazy for even suggesting it. Oh how a couple of years can change things. We would love to be a part of a ministry committed to strengthening families. I am also passionate about helping families who are grieving the loss of a child, particularly through Stillbirth. I am currently exploring different ways to do that in the future, realizing that now may not be the best time to pursue that. Especially since we came home from Columbus with a souvenir ;-) We found out a couple of weeks later that we are expecting our 7^th blessing! This baby's due date is 7/25/13, just one day before Stephanie was due last year. We don't believe there is any coincidence about that. We fully believe God had this all planned out. We continue to trust that His will, will be accomplished, though we pray daily that He would be pleased to allow this baby to grow to term and be born into this world alive.

The girls have done really well with this. We've involved them in all of it. We've answered their questions and they are quick to correct anyone that suggests that we have just 5 children. Stephanie is FOREVER a part of our family!

This week (12/10), began a new change for them. They began attending public school. It became clear to us that, at least for now, Home schooling is not the best option for our family. Rebekah and Abigail are adjusting well. Rachel loves her teacher but is struggling with the changes. She is a very sensitive young lady, so dealing with kids who aren't so nice is a struggle. We realize this is something she'll have to deal with all of her life, but it's hard to “throw her to the wolves” at such an emotional time in her life. I'm enjoying special time with Alexandria and Samantha, while the big girls are at school.

With Love,

The Schmaltz Family ♥

 

Jon & Sara
Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria
Samantha & Stephanie (forever in our hearts)
& Lord willing, our 7th blessing, due 7/25/13