10 years

 

Here we are at 10 years.  This is a day, that I could not imagine making it to.  We've come so far in our grief/bereavement.  Though this year I've had a blah feeling for months, which seems to be my new normal, I hope my hormones will settle down because I don't like this new normal and I don't think my family cares much for it either.

We have chosen to "celebrate" Stephanie tomorrow so that all of us can be together.  This year we think she'd choose hamburgers and hot dogs.  And we'll have a special ladybug cake too.  Many of our friends and family participated in a Random Acts of Kindness event.

I often wonder what it would be like if Stephanie was here.  In all likelihood, it would be more fighting.  She may be our only "perfect child", but that is only because she is in Heaven.  I am positive she would be far from perfect, just like the rest of us.  

I wish I had some profound words to share with those of you who read this, but they just aren't coming.  It still hurts that this is our reality.  Some days, Heaven can't come soon enough.

6 years

It's hard to believe that 6 years have passed since we had to say hello and goodbye to Stephanie.  So much has changed.  We are keeping her birthday low key and just having what we would think she would want..pizza and cake and ice cream (last hurrah before mommy tries to get healthy again).  The last few years have been strange.  They've come and gone with few tears if that.  This year, the only tears that have been shed so far, were because a jewelry store said they cannot restore a piece of (Stephanie) jewelry that is very special to me.  I was hoping that it could be dipped in something, but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case.

My grief has really changed over time.  I do feel a sense of "blahs", my patience is thin and I am a little easier to drive crazy, but that isn't usually a far trip to begin with. 😜

So, I don't really know what to expect going forward.  Will there be some years that a wave will come in and pull me back into a short period of sadness around her birthday?  Or are we truly past all of that?  I guess it's best to not expect anything in particular and just remember Truth, like I did in the beginning.  And not to allow my feelings to steer my ship.  Not to indulge in grief just because I "should" and not feel guilty if I'm just not feeling particularly sad.

I did my usual FB posts this year because that's what I've done, but it suddenly feels excessive and unnecessary.  Perhaps next year will be more subtle.  I do so appreciate the acknowledgement of Stephanie by so many of you.  Regardless of my outward expressions of grief, or lack there of, it will always mean the world to me that people remember Stephanie on her birthday or otherwise.

So as today comes to a close, there may or may not be tears.  And either way is ok.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Stephanie will never be forgotten and will always be celebrated in our home on July 16.

Yesterday...

Yesterday, I had the honor of speaking at a fundraiser event for Compassion Pregnancy Center called Pearls of Wisdom.  I had prepared a speech that showed examples of how God has provided for our needs throughout the years.  And boy has He ever.  We also attended our annual Service of Remembrance for our Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group.

 I came to two realizations yesterday.  One..we participate in this support group primarily to support  the new families and we are honored to do so.  We've reached a point that we don't need our feelings and our loss validated as much as we did in the earlier days of grieving.  It is also nice to reflect on Stephanie's life in the company of those who truly understand.  The second realization is while telling our story, it's almost like I'm telling someone else's story.  I rarely get emotional about it.  It occurred to me yesterday that it may be because I am no longer the person I was then.  Mostly in good ways.  Even in the ways that weren't so good in the beginning, God has turned them to good. 

So if you are reading this and you are earlier in your grief journey, I want to offer you hope.  Hope that it can get better.  If it's been a little (or a lot) longer and you still struggle, let me tell you the saying "time heals all wounds" is an outright lie.  While time may allow the wound to scab over a bit so that it doesn't feel so raw, it's God that does the healing.  Healing comes at different times for different people.   Please don't mistake this post as suggesting where you should be.  I am where I am by God's grace.  I never expected to heal like this.  Perhaps you haven't put your faith and trust in the Lord.  I'd love to share the hope I have in Christ with you.

You have not, because you've asked not...

**I have no idea why parts of this are highlighted and can't figure out how to fix it.**

You have not, because you've asked not...This verse from James 4:2 has been going through my head so much in the last several days.  I can't help but think that it is God putting it there.  It is just as clear as when I heard "Be still and know that I am God" from Psalm 46:10 during my darkest days of grieving.

The bible says in Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

In Matthew 6:34 it says Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

So does this mean that we are to just simply trust that He will supply?  Are we just sitting by expecting Him to do it.  Remember when you were younger and you had that one gift you were hoping to get for your birthday or Christmas?  Did you just expect your parents to know what you wanted?  Did you mention it once 6 months ago and expect that they would remember?  I'm guessing not.  You probably reminded them on a regular basis, right?  Well, God doesn't forget, but He does want us to talk to Him.  He wants us to ask Him for things that we need and even for the things we desire in our heart.  It's not pestering Him if we ask him repeatedly.  Yes, He knows our needs even better than we do.  But that is not the point.  He is a good good Father and He gives great gifts!

The bible also says...

1 Peter 5:7  Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.

Jeremiah 29:12-13  12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

1 John 5:14   This is the confidence we have in approaching God:  That if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

I think these verses are just a sample of proofs that He wants us to bring our needs to Him.

We are currently in a situation where there are mountains that we are needing God to move.  It seems we've been here a long time.  He has been faithful along the way and provided in both little and big ways.  We are so thankful for that and for the people he has used to provide for those needs.  However, until today, we have not made it a regular matter of prayer.  We will be praying in faith about this on a daily basis from now on.  The intent of this post is simply to share what I believe God has placed on my heart.  We'd love it if you would join us in praying for these unspoken requests.  I'm looking forward to seeing God move in the situations that I am praying for.  I invite you to get serious about praying for the needs in your life.  I think you'll be amazed when you see Him move in your life. 

 If there is a mountain in your life that you would like me to pray for, please feel free to email me at fullquiver77@gmail.com or if we are friends on Facebook, you can send me a private message there as well.

What Parenting a Deceased Child Looks Like

You're in the grocery store waiting to check out.  Noticing your overflowing basket, the person behind you says, "Wow,  that's a lot of groceries, how many kids do you have?"  For most of the population, this question is very simple, but for a parent who has lost a child, this is what goes through their head.  Using my life as an example... Do I include Stephanie and say 8?  If I do, am I being dishonest, Stephanie doesn't eat any of the food?  Should I say 8, but one is waiting for us in Heaven, which typically turns a conversation awkward.  Or do I just say 7, and be filled with guilt for not including Stephanie.  I've said different variations of all 3, but, anytime I've said 7, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

If you are not a bereaved parent,  you may wonder why this is such a dilema.  Here is why I believe our answer should reflect the amount of children we carry in our hearts and not just the ones the world can see.  We still parent our deceased children.  It looks different than the way we parent our living children, but it's parenting nonetheless.  There is a special place in our hearts for our children that are no longer here with us.  It cannot be filled by anything or anyone else.  We have a desire to act out that love.  Here are just a few examples of how we parent our deceased children.  We think of them daily.  Not in a woe is me kind of way, but a loving reminiscent kind way.  Sometimes it just occurs to us during normal daily things that someone is missing.  Many of us acknowledge their birthday and date of death, for many of us those are the same day.  We may even have a little get together with cake and balloons.  Many parents get a tattoo in memory of their child.  It is a visual representation marking their place in a family.  This also often opens a door for us to share when others ask about it.  Some have started non-profit organizations in their child's memory.  Often providing support to families walking similar paths as they have walked.  Some serve the community in some way.  Sometimes it may just be a change in the way they treat others.  Some may find that their calling is to work in the bereaved community as a Birth and Bereavement doula or Grief Counselor and put forth a lot of effort to receive the education necessary to provide these services.  Some of us may just drop everything to go help a friend who has just received news that their precious baby has died.  No formal training, just a unique qualification and an overwhelming desire to be there to walk alongside of them as they start their grief journey, just because you know how helpful and comforting it is to have someone like that in your life.  Some raise money to fund the placement of CuddleCots so that future bereaved parents can be offered the gift of time.  Perhaps it's attending a support group where you can share your story and listen to others.  4 years later, I still go.  I go primarily to be a voice of hope to new families, but another important reason is I can go and just be Stephanie's mom in a place where I can talk about her with no awkwardness.  A place where tears often flow.  Sometimes they are mine and sometimes they are others.

You see, our babies who've been called Home before us, are very much a part of everything we do.  They are woven in to the tapestry of our lives.  We do things differently because they were here.  We can't change them, feed them, bathe them, etc.  We can't hold them in our arms, but we most definitely hold them in our hearts.  We "parent" their memory.  So they wont be forgotten.  So their legacy can live on through us.

When the most wonderful time of the year is anything but...

Holidays can be especially hard when someone you love is missing.  Though his/her absence may seem more evident on Thanksgiving or Christmas (or whatever Holiday you are celebrating), it's really just another day. The truth is, you miss your baby everyday, you probably won't miss them more just because it's a Holiday. Anticipation of big days (Holidays, Birthdays & due dates specifically) are usually worse than the day itself.  Starting new traditions that honor your baby may be helpful.  We buy an ornament each year in honor of our daughter, Stephanie.  We also have purchased toys for a child her age and donated them.  I've found it very rewarding to demonstrate my love for my daughter, by showing love to others.

Here are a few tips from me to help get through the Holidays when grieving...Saying "No" really is ok.  If you do decide to go to a Holiday event, leave yourself an out.  Park on the street, so you can leave when/if you need to.  If it suddenly becomes too much, don't feel bad about just slipping out without announcing it.  I like to do what I called "controlled grieving".  Find some time to just be alone with the things that remind you of your baby. Your pictures, his/her clothes, his/her blanket or stuffed animal, etc. Cry, bawl, wail if you need to. Get it all out. You will still be sad, but it may be more controlled if you allow yourself time to just let it out in a setting that you are comfortable. Give yourself some grace. You are walking a difficult path. There is no denying that.

Some links that may be helpful...

http://www.griefshare.org/holidays

http://handtohold.org/resources/helpful-articles/six-tips-to-cope-with-grief-during-the-holidays/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/holidays-grief_b_4346410.html

http://jodyglynnpatrick.com/2011/12/03/remembering-a-deceased-child-during-the-holidays/
https://tracieloux.wordpress.com/2015/11/20/first-christmas-loving-and-honoring/
http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/one/

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven my Angel Princess

To my Angel Princess,

Wow!  I can't believe it's been 3 years.  In some ways it seems much longer than that and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.  We've gotten to the point that most of the time you are remembered with a smile.  Tears creep in from time to time, often when the reality hits that someone is missing from whatever the family is doing.  Occasionally, the overwhelming pain I felt in those first few weeks will hit me like a ton of bricks and that rarely occurs in the times that I expect it to, like your birthday and holidays.  I do welcome those moments though because it is in the pain that I feel closest to you.  I am able to feel that connection in happy times too, it's just not quite as strong.

We went through the box of your things yesterday.  It's amazing the things a bereaved mother hangs on to.  Some things are probably typical, some of your hair, pictures, hospital bracelets, your clothes and blanket with blood on them, all of the sympathy cards from our friends and family, but I kept numerous copies of the songs from your service, the prayer cards, numerous copies of bible verses that were handed out to those who attended your service. Some of the strangest things though have to be the 3 Kleenex with drops of the blood that dripped from your nose and empty "Patient Belonging" bags.  Not to mention the specimen cup with about a teaspoon of your blood that has been in our freezer since.  I held on to empty boxes from the hand/foot molds for almost a year before I could throw them away.

Somehow, I missed writing a blog post for your birthday last year.  We were crazy busy with VBS and by the time things settled, your birthday had passed.  You were thought of and celebrated.  We celebrated you much the way we intend to today.  Joanie is coming and we will enjoy a yummy dinner and a special ladybug cake.  We will release sky lanterns just like last year, watch for them sweet girl.  There is an orange one and a pink one.  Bekah also found some special ladybug fireworks that we will light in your memory tonight. 

I'm sure Heaven is amazing and we long for the day that we are there with you.  That day seems to be getting closer and closer (though could still be years away) as we are seeing things prophesied in Scripture coming to be.  Until that day comes you will be remembered and I will continue my work to help others going through the devastation of infant loss in your memory.  I pray that I've made you and more importantly God "proud" in the way I've lived and loved others through loss since you were promoted to Heaven.  And that I can continue with that boldness when it becomes harder to do so.

I will close for now my sweet little ladybug.  I hope you are celebrating with the children of all of my baby loss friends that I've met these past 3 years (and the few I knew before, of course).  I love you baby doll!

~Mommy ♥

Built on the Rock (My Life Story condensed)

Do you all remember this song we used to sing in Sunday School?

The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
But the house on the Rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
And the house on the sand fell flat.

So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
The blessings come down as your prayers go up,
The blessings come down as your prayers go up,
The blessings come down as your prayers go up,
So build your life on the Lord.

So, I always knew this song was more than a song about Construction.  I knew it was based on Scripture.  I knew it referred to Jesus as being the Rock.  Somehow for 35+ years, I missed the point of what the rain and floods and wind really meant.   It was probably explained to me, on many occasions, as a little girl growing up at Bethany Baptist Church.  Perhaps it's because I did not understand how severe and damaging the storms of life can be. 

I didn't grow up in a wealthy home, by the standards of many, I was poor.  None of this occurred to me as a kid.  I did not feel poor.  Perhaps that is because by God's standards, I was very rich.  I had the things that mattered.  I had love.  I had food in my belly and clothes on my back.  I had a home to keep me warm.  My parents took me to church every Sunday where I was greeted by my amazing Grandparents and my amazing church family.  They, along with my parents, planted a seed in my life and continued watering it through the years.  The things I did not have, did not matter because they were pale in comparison to what I did have.

Growing up, I had never lost a close family member.  I never went to bed cold or hungry.  I knew I was loved.  I knew Jesus loved me.  What more could a kid ask for?

During my teen years, things changed a bit.  My parents ended up divorcing when I was 13.   That was very hard.  However, my mom told us that God told her that my Dad would be back.  In hindsight it was probably not wise to share that with me, but I believed it.  Four years later, my Dad did, in fact, come back and they were remarried.  What an amazing thing to witness!  During those 4 years, God did something else amazing.  My dad was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  With treatment, he went into remission.  My parents remarried in April of 1994.  In 1998, my Dad's cancer returned.  We were devastated.  Once again though, God allowed healing and 17 years later, He is in remission.  He has some serious complications he lives with daily due to the aggressive nature of his treatment but each day he is here, we not only receive the benefit of having him with us, we get to witness a miracle.

Through all of this God was a steady presence in my life, but sadly not as great of a priority as he should have been.  For some reason He chose to prove Himself faithful, even when I was not. Fast forward to married life.  The time in my life, I was looking so forward to.  The time when I would be loved by the man that God hand picked for me.  The time in my life when I would (hopefully) become a mommy.

Jon and I met online, which at the time, was a little more unusual than it is now.  He lived not far from where I was working at the time.  On September 14, 2001, he called me and said he would be at a nearby bowling alley and wondered if I'd like to meet him earlier than what we planned (at church Sunday September 16).  I agreed and headed off to the bowling alley.  He was there with some friends, one of which was interested in him as more than a friend.  That was a tad awkward, to say the least.  I left unsure of how things went but a couple of hours later, he called me and we talked for 2 hours.  He met me at church that Sunday and from that day on, we've been together.  We got engaged in November.  Jon likes to tell people that we booked the hall before he even proposed.  Which is technically true, but we had decided we were getting married.  He was working out the details of the proposal.  We married in May of the following year.  We Honeymooned in Toronto.  He graduated in June.  Found out we were expecting our first baby in June as well.  We bought our first house in October.  Life was great.  In February of the following year, we welcomed our first baby.  Life was amazing.  I had everything I ever wanted.  Life as we knew it was about to change though.

Jon's mom suffered from mental illness.  She had lived many years on her own in a city 4+ hours away.  She was experiencing several "episodes" where her meds needed to be adjusted while admitted to a hospital and we felt it was best that she come live near us.   The hospital social worker, worked with us to make that happen.  While we still stand by the decision to do this, we had no idea what we were in for.  For seven years, we had the responsibility of making sure she was taken care of.  During that time, we welcomed 3 more children and had another on the way when she passed in 2011.  Our house got mold and our children were getting sick often.  We moved our family into a relatives basement.  We experienced more hardship with car troubles, money troubles, flooding into the basement where we were living anytime there was significant rain.   During this time we also experienced a difficult time in our marriage. Only a handful of people know the details of this.  We'll discuss it if we feel sharing it will benefit another couple, but in general, it's something we prefer to keep private.

Our 5th child was born while we were living there.  She was born via C-Section which was difficult for me to accept.  We then experienced serious breastfeeding trouble that we fought for 2 months to overcome but were not successful in doing so.  I ended up formula feeding, another difficult pill to swallow.  (I have nothing against those who formula feed there babies for any reason.  It just wasn't what I wanted.)  I prayed and prayed that God would allow her to breastfeed.  I thought this was a huge trial in my life.  If I only knew then what I know now.  During this time a friend visited us in our basement abode.  While the conditions were not deplorable, they were far from ideal.  We were grateful to my family for allowing us to live there for much less than we could have rented elsewhere.  Being below ground took it's toll on my mood.   God laid a burden on the heart of this visiting friend and she and her husband bought a house and offered to rent it to us at an affordable rate.  It was small for such a large family, but it was above ground and didn't flood, and we appreciated it so very much!  My mood immediately improved.

Shortly before moving, we discovered we were pregnant with baby #6.   While we were a bit anxious that we were expecting again so soon after a C-Section, we were happy that we would be adding another family member.  The pregnancy was a little difficult.  I had developed pre-eclampsia and was advised to take it easy not too far in to the third trimester.  I relied on my older girls, Jon and friends to help with household chores.  With meds and rest, my condition actually improved and I started to feel a burden lifted as I approached her due date.  I hit 37 weeks and was able to resume more of my activity.  I had monitoring twice a week and all seemed well with both me and the baby.  We were all ready for her and were just waiting for her to make her appearance. 

Here is where we truly discovered how torrential and devastating life's storms can be...On Sunday, July 15, 2012, I woke up after having a startling dream.  The dream was of Jon's mom.  In the dream she stumbled out of a door and into my arms.  She hugged me so tight and I hugged her back.  This hug was different than the hugs we exchanged when she was alive.  I loved her, but due to the difficult nature of our relationship, I didn't express that love often or as well as I should have.  I have much guilt over this and many things I did, thought and said when she was alive, but that is a story for a different time and place.  I woke up in tears full of guilt.  I remember (or at least think I do) the baby, who we had named Stephanie Ruth, moving.  I felt there was significance to this dream and suggested to Jon that we consider changing Stephanie's middle name to his mom's middle name, Joanna.  He thought I was just being hormonal.  He took the older kids to church and I stayed home with Samantha.  She and I drifted off to sleep while watching Dora.  He arrived home and we got busy serving lunch and making a grocery list in preparation for the week ahead.  An induction was planned for that Thursday.  I began to notice, that I had not felt Stephanie move in a while and decided to drink some ice water and lay down to see if I could get her to move.  After 20 minutes, I felt nothing.  I then drank some orange juice, took a shower and laid down again.  Still nothing.  I left Jon with the girls and headed to the hospital.  After attempting to find her with a Doppler, the ultrasound machine was brought in.   I knew the moment I saw the screen she was gone.  My doctor came in and confirmed that.  I was induced and 26 hours later, the most beautiful piece of Heaven was born.  We officially named her Stephanie Joanna.  It was a true knot in her umbilical cord that took her life.  God placed some special people in my life to help me navigate this storm that left so much devastation. 

The week following her death was full of preparations for her Memorial Service.  I also made time to meet with the Women's Ministry Director (and Biblical Counselor) of our church along with the church Psychiatrist.  The day of her service was incredibly difficult but it was so very beautiful.  We felt like we celebrated all of the big events of her life that we were going to miss.  The week after her service, the grief hit hard.  You would not have recognized me.  I continued to meet with the Counselor and Psychiatrist from church.  The counselor drilled many things in to me.  Some of which was very hard to hear at the time, but I am so very grateful for her boldness now.  One thing that really stuck was the parable of the wise man and the foolish man.  At the time, I suspected I was the foolish man.  I had lived many years as a believer but somehow missed some really important things along the way.  Losing a child made me seek the Lord harder than ever before.  We had been through many trials in our marriage.  We prayed about them but that was about it.  I talked the talk, but didn't always walk the walk.  Though my House hadn't been maintained properly, looking back, I believe it was indeed built on the Rock because in the end, it did not fall!  Some cosmetic repairs need to be done, but I am still standing and I believe that the only reason for that is the Rock in which my House was built.

Three months after Stephanie died, we found out we were expecting again...our rainbow after the storm.  Two months later we found out our rainbow was a double rainbow...twins.  Pregnancy after loss is a completely different experience.  My faith was the only thing that got me through without being a complete nervous wreck.  There were times that fear would creep in, but God would quickly replace it with a Truth to battle the fear.  On July 4, 2013 our precious twins were born alive and well.  We give all the Glory to God.   Parenting after a loss is also a different experience.  God calms those fears with Truth as well.

So my challenge to you today is to be like the wise man and make sure your faith is built on the Rock so that WHEN the storms of life happen, you will be able to stay standing because your foundation is secure.  Read your Bible, study it and spend time in prayer.  Surround yourself with friends who share in this conviction and will hold you accountable as a brother or sister in Christ.  Encourage them to speak the Truth in love, even when it's hard to hear.

**This post was written on June 19, 2015.  95% of it was done at approximately 10:30 am.  At 10:45 am, Jon walked through the door with news that he lost his job.  All of our savings, retirement funds and inheritance was gone due to the last 2 years of jobs that just didn't work out for one reason or another.  I was amazed that God prompted me to write this just moments before our faith would be stretched again.  I believe He wanted me to recall all of the times that He has proven Himself faithful throughout our lives and that this time would be no different.**

Bloom where you are planted...

 



Just recently, I have found myself even more involved in the online bereaved parents community, and I began to feel a little jealous of some of the things some other parents have accomplished in the name of their children often just weeks or months after their child has passed (some even before).  Please, let me explain.  It's not that I begrudge your accomplishments or think my story is more worthy of telling.  I am truly amazed by you.  You have turned your tragedy into triumph.  You inspire me to do more.

It's funny, I never considered myself a prideful person, but God keeps revealing to me that I am.  It looks different than the way I typically see a prideful person.  God will use our most vulnerable moments to reveal some of out biggest sin issues.  While I'm in awe of how God has used our experience to reach many and given me a voice on Facebook especially, I can't help but wonder what He could accomplish if I got out of the way.  If I set aside my wants and desires to use our experience and just let Him guide me.  I am always eager to talk about Stephanie and how God has healed our broken hearts beyond what we could have imagined.  But I only want pursue that if He wants me to.

As a mom to 7 living children, I have a lot on my plate and so that limits me on pursuing some of my wants and desires at this time.  This is not a bad thing.  I love being Mommy to the blessings God has allowed me the privilege of raising.  My training as a Stillbirthday Birth and Bereavement Doula will still be "good"  when I no longer have to worry about finding childcare to go help in a moments notice.  For now, I will be content in being involved in our support group and helping to encourage online.  I will be praying for opportunities for God to use our story to bless others and trusting that he will work out all of the tiny details to make the things He wants to happen possible.

I've been mulling this over for a few days and the phrase "Bloom where you're planted" filled my mind.  This happened in a very similar way to when I heard "Be still and know that I am God."  I can't say for certain God spoke to me, but I strongly suspect it.  A friend of mine also posted this reminder on her Facebook page yesterday.  I didn't see it until today thanks to Facebook's algorithms, haha.  It was quite timely though, and was what prompted me to write this post.

So with that said, perhaps you are feeling like you are limited in how you can help your child's legacy to live on.  Perhaps you've been experiencing a little jealousy yourself.  I just want to encourage you to bloom where you are planted.  Perhaps the people God wants to use you to minister to are in your own homes, neighborhoods, churches, mommy groups or even on Facebook.  That is where you are currently planted.  God may choose to transplant you to another garden at a later date.  Pray for opportunities, wait on the Lord to open doors and be willing to follow Him through those doors in His time.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

♥ I am grateful for who I've become since "losing" Stephanie (for the record, I know she is not lost, I know right where she is)  It is a path I never would have chosen but one I'm grateful for none-the-less.  There's a poem that circulates among the bereaved parents community called "The Ugly Pair of Shoes"http://www.ivillage.com/forums/node/4161067
Though "My Shoes" still ache from time to time, I no longer see them as ugly.  Because of this, I feel different than my fellow bereaved mommy's.  I wonder if I may be less helpful too them because they may not be able to relate.  Or will it be inspiring, to see that God can heal a broken heart faster than anticipated.   Perhaps I no longer see "Ugly Shoes" because God makes ALL things beautiful in His time.  His time for you may be longer or shorter than it was for me.
I do really well most days, sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me because in my mind I think, no normal person can move past the deep grieving as quickly as I did.  However, I have to remind myself that is a LIE from Satan himself.  God graciously granted that healing.  It didn't come from anything I did or didn't do.  But there are moments triggered by songs quotes, pictures and smells that just take me down.  As hard as it can be, I welcome it because they are a reminder that I am indeed human.  Those tears and pain help me feel the bond we still have.  A bond that not even death can break.  Grief tends to be judged.  Some feel you grieve too long.  Some see you happy and think, "Wow! She got over that fast." I post many things on Facebook about grief.  Most of the time it is not a reflection of my emotions at the time.  I have many Facebook friends each of them going through a variety of different trials at any given time.  I am very sensitive to that.  I empathize with so many.  One of my spiritual gifts is that I'm an encourager.

I hope I've made it clear that my healing is not of my own doing.  I give all that Glory to God.  It is by His grace alone that I am who I am. I've recently heard the song "Beautiful" by Dan Bremnes.  I think it describes my healing so well.  I love the following lines to the song...

"And You
Changed me from what I used to be
Opened my eyes 
Now I can see
You're making this life so beautiful
And You 
Making me who I'm called to be
Rescued my heart 
Now I am free
You're making this life so beautiful
So beautiful"

It has been too long...

It has been so long since I updated this.  Most of you keep up with me on Facebook so I kind of let this go because we have been so busy.  We moved our family in early June and spent most of May (and June really) packing.  We've been trying to get settled in our new home since.  We've had to find a new church and new places to shop.  Nothing is close by.  Life is crazy.  The older kids have started school so I have a little extra time during naptime to get back to blogging.  I am still working on my Doula class.  I've finished the training part and am now working on the book reports and project that need to be completed in order to be credentialed.  I have had the honor of helping a few families online through the loss of their babies.  It truly is an honor.  I am looking forward to getting credentialed so that I can minister to more families.

Today is the 16th, which means it's 26 months since Stephanie was born.  Surprisingly, the last couple of months (August and September) the 15th and 16th have come and gone with little to no emotion.  It does still creep up randomly, regardless of the date, and is triggered by unexpected things (one of which is the smell of freshly laid blacktop, because our street was resurfaced the week that she died).  There is not one day that passes that I don't think of her at some point.  Often many points.  Usually without tears.  She is thought about, she is talked about.  She is not forgotten.  We don't dwell in the sadness.  For us, she is part of our forever family and we treat her as such.  Our girls are tender hearted and well adjusted.  They have experienced something that no child should have to.  But they are not damaged.  They are great!

Until today, I hadn't been inspired to write much.  I share a lot of brief thoughts and encouraging posts on Facebook, but just didn't have anything meaningful enough to write about.  I'm hoping to do better about that.  So until next time...

Helping others...

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction.

This past week, I had the honor of doing just that.  I was able to help another grieving family.  The first time (in real life, not online) since losing Stephanie.  Out of respect for the family,  I will not be sharing the details but I had the priveledge of holding their precious child who's spirit was already resting safe in the arms of Jesus.  I was able to share some of the things that helped me and assure them that the Lord would bring them through this, just as He has for me and my family.   I was also able to pray with them and a couple others from my church. It was hard, but to be able to empathize with someone in a way that few people can is truly an honor.  Lord willing, I intend to go through the training to become certified as a Stillbirthday Birth & Bereavement Doula.   I will then be able to have the resources to help more.  I am swamped with the twins at the moment but when things settle down a bit, I really want to pursue this.  I have experience in something I wish I didn't,  but I'm going to use it for God's glory.  It is also a positive way to keep Stephanie's memory alive.

18 long months

18 months is a long time to not see one of your loved ones.  But that's exactly how long it has been.  Today marks 18 months since Stephanie's birth.  I had a good cry tonight, a much over due one.  I've felt on edge all day and then it hit me, today is the 16th.  I wish I had more to say but today im just sad.  Overwhelmed by the 7 blessings I have on Earth and missing the one I have in Heaven.   My days are full of feeding and changing babies.  A lot of No's and I don't want to's from a toddler.  A school aged child who is constantly causing trouble and not enough Mommy to go around.   Please know, I'm not complaining really.  I'm just in an overwhelming season.   God is getting me through daily.  Im so glad He fills the gaps of the areas where I fail (which are many).  Each one of my children are here because God allowed them to be and I am grateful! 

Recently a friend posted about it being the anniversary of his Dad's passing.   He was rejoicing that his dad is with the Lord and though he misses him, he does not wish him back.  This was my comment to his post... If I had been enlightened as to what was going to happen with Stephanie,  and was given the choice to allow it or stop it, I would have stopped it with all that I have in me.  Not knowing the reason God chose this of course.  However,  even if given the choice once it had happened,  I too would not wish her back.  I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could.  I do wish the rest of us there though.  Not in a morbid way, but in a longing for home sort of way.

1 year since we said goodbye...What a difference a year makes!

My sweet Stephanie ♥

Wow!  How has it been a year, since you left us?  In some ways, it seems forever ago and other ways, especially today, it seems like yesterday.  I want to share something profound and impactful but today, I'm just sad.  Not for what you missed out on, for you, my sweet girl, are the lucky one.  I'm sad because until we are reunited in Heaven, our family is incomplete without you.  You are very much a part of our lives, just not the way we thought you would be.  Your short life has impacted so many people!  The outpouring of love and support from friends and family and those we've not even met in real life is overwhelming in an amazing way.  We miss you our little ladybug.  We can't wait to see you and can't wait to hold you.  Jason and Julianna, filled our aching empty arms, but no one will fill the void in our hearts.  That spot is reserved just for you.  You are forever a part of our family, that will never change.  There's a saying that goes...It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I wasn't so sure that was true a year ago because it hurt so bad but I finally can say that it's true.  We are all better because of how God used you to change our lives.

Love,

Mommy ♥

I would never have imagined our life like this, one year ago.  I truly felt life as we knew it was over and often wanted it to be in those first couple of months.  I hope so much that we have been a testament to God's faithfulness and continue to be in the years to come.  I hope that God will continue to use Stephanie's story and the story of the twins and whatever else He has for us, good and bad, to impact lives for Him and that they will come to know Him as their personal Savior.  I think God is going to use us in BIG ways and even greater ways than we've seen this year.  Just yesterday, I was contacted by an old friend, a pastors wife, asking for insight for her husband who must take on the unenviable task of officiating a funeral for another full term baby lost.  What an honor to be able to help in that way.  I wish for that family that they didn't have to endure this pain but am honored to help.  Unfortunately, babies will die, and for reasons we won't ever understand, because we live in a sin cursed world.  God will use whatever means he sees necessary to bring people to Him.  If your life has been changed in that way due to the story of Stephanie and how God is working in our lives, we are honored to have been used.  We are thankful for the changes in our own lives, drawing us closer to God.  We will always wish it could have been accomplished some other way, but God's way is perfect.  It's been a wild ride but we are just clinging to our faith and know that God will continue to be with us, guiding us through all of the ups and downs and twists and turns of life.

The Birth Story of the twins!

Birth Story of Jason and Julianna

We arrived at the hospital on July 3, at 7:00am, though apparently, this was not the correct time. My Dr. intended to wait until 3:00 to begin Pitocin so that he could be there when I delivered. So we got settled and just waited. I contracted on my own off and on but they didn't do anything to cause changes to my cervix. Jason's head was still pretty high -3 or -4 depending on who checked. As planned the Pitocin was hooked up at 3:00 and it wasn't long until I felt the contractions consistently. This was to be a VBAC so it had to be done carefully and slowly. The pitocin was bumped up every 30-60 minutes. After about 3 hours I the contractions were pretty uncomfortable. I felt like a total wimp considering an epidural that quickly (I lasted 23 hours unmedicated with Stephanie) but they were really starting to hurt and I decided that I had nothing to prove so I went ahead and requested it. (If you are reading this and were able to do it unmedicated, I don't mean to suggest that you somehow did have something to prove but at that point, I couldn't think of one reason to not get it or to wait on it. It was not forced but my Dr. highly suggested it in case of emergency during delivery.) My Doctor was going to be breaking my water and hour or so later and the last time he did that with the baby high up still, her arm came out and had to be pushed in and I had no epidural that time and it was excruciatingly painful. So I got the epidural...sweet relief!!! It was shift change time and our nurse Lisa had to go but Melissa took over. Melissa happened to be a mom of twins as well (a few of our nurses during our stay were twin moms). Melissa also shared a common faith and once we had discovered that, she prayed with us concerning the delivery and we really appreciated that. My Doctor broke my water around 7:30 or 8:00. And then we just waited. I began feeling the contractions again around 9:30 or 10:00 but they were more uncomfortable than anything and it was right at my cervix that they hurt. We continued to wait. As it approached midnight, I was determined to hold off until then because I had hoped they'd be born on the 4^th of July. I wouldn't have chosen that birthday for them, my Doctor did and at that point I thought it would be a shame if they were born just shy of midnight. Or I figured, leave it to me, to have one twin on the 3^rd and the other on the 4^th. Midnight finally hit. Prior to that I was in no hurry. I was stuck at 6 cm for the longest time and Jason hadn't moved down really at all. I asked the nurse if there was any positions that would maybe help things along and she suggested rolling on my right side. I did that but Jason did not like that one bit. His heart rate dropped. (That was scary) I rolled over to my back. His heart rate came back up. Then tried rolling to the left. He didn't care much for that either (scary again). I was asked if I felt pressure, at that point it wasn't extreme but yes I felt like I was getting there. The resident checked me and said, it's time to move to the back (the OR). They rushed me off. Jon was left wondering what he was supposed to do and if he was going to miss the delivery. I felt bad for him. Thankfully one of the other nurses noticed and took charge of getting him some scrubs and back to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to transfer to the OR table. I then was waiting for them to get everything prepared for just about any situation that could arise. Waiting to push is torture. I kinda pushed anyway but I swear they had me on an incline (head down slightly) to make it so I couldn't push against gravity. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it made me crazy. Finally, they were ready for me to push. I felt like I had lost my “mojo” at that point, but began to push. I haven't had to count to push since my first delivery, but did this time. I'd guess I pushed for 10 minutes or less and then I heard the most beautiful sound...Jason's first cry! He was taken directly over to the warmer to me checked out and so my Dr. could proceed with making sure all was well with Julianna. He had to check her presentation. And by that I mean he had his entire hand in my uterus. (REALLY glad I got the epidural before enduring that.) I was trying to push thinking it was Julianna coming out but it was his arm going in. It was then determined that she was head down and I began pushing her out. Then just 9 minutes after Jason was born, I heard her first cry...music to my ears. She was also whisked away to the warmer to be checked out. My work wasn't quite done yet. Still had the placentas. I felt them coming out and pushed. It took more effort than I recall in the past. They actually came out together. Later I found out that they had fused together. A big gush of blood followed, which seemed to temporarily alarm my Doctor though after that initial blood gush all was well. I hated not seeing and feeling my babies but wow, what I had just done was amazing. I transferred back to my bed and was handed my two precious babies. What a moment that was! I was then wheeled back to my room with my double rainbow blessings.

11 months...1 day late, and other updates.

So it's now been 11 months.  Just another month until we reach 1 year.  We've got so much going on in the next few weeks, with the babies coming.  We are planning a small get together for our local friends and family on July 16 at 7pm (more info to follow on Facebook).  All are welcome, but nobody is expected to be there.  We will not be hurt if it is not well attended.  Whether you are local or not, we would like you to help us "remember" Stephanie we've created a Facebook event https://www.facebook.com/events/506634969389816/.
We continue to miss her terribly, though we are comforted in knowing where she is.  Our coming twins are a blessing, but they will never replace Stephanie.

Speaking of the twins.  I am currently 35 weeks and 2 days.  Being pregnant after a full term loss, is scary to say the least.  Yes, we are trusting in God.  He is in control.  But the thing that is hard, is He was in control when Stephanie died too.  He was not on vacation, He did not fall asleep.  That is where the struggle lies.  We know that should something terrible happen, He will be right there with us, just as He always has been, but being in this vulnerable position, where we don't know what will happen, knowing that He could choose to call Jason and/or Julianna home too, is sometimes overwhelming.  Many have said, "Oh, I don't think God would make you go through that again".  But there is no guarantee.  Have you read the story of Job?  There are many people who have lost many children.  Please don't think that I am constantly thinking the negative, I don't entertain those thoughts for long and replace them with the truths in Scripture.  I write this because as those who read it go through a pregnancy after a loss they will see, if these thoughts and concerns are present, they are not alone in thinking it.  I'm guessing it is quite normal, in fact.  That said, we are extremely excited about these babies coming into our lives.  We are hoping, praying and trusting that they are born alive and healthy.  I can't wait to introduce them to you!

9 months...She's now been gone as long as she was here :'-(

Today marks 9 months since our beautiful Stephanie went to be with Jesus.  In some ways it seems like just yesterday and other ways it seems like so long ago.   Today was a bittersweet day.  We went to an OB appointment today.  All is well with the twins, and for those of you who don't follow me on Facebook or CafeMom, the twins are a girl and a BOY!  After 6 girls we are finally adding a boy to our family and another precious girl.  We have chosen to name them Jason Edward and Julianna Lynn.  We took a brief tour of Labor and Delivery.  We did that to see it newly remodeled and to see if being up there caused any significant anxiety.  Thankfully it did not, though I didn't go in the room where I was told she had died because there was a patient in there.  I guess I will wait until I have to be in there and see what happens.

I don't know why but I want to address something.  When a loved one dies, it is common for others to console you with "They are in a better place" or "They are in Paradise" or "They are with Jesus".  This is comforting, but it seems that you are expected to suddenly switch from devastated to elated.  Those who've lost loved one after they have suffered a terrible illness may find this more comforting than someone who has lost a baby.  You see when you first get that positive pregnancy test or see that little bean on ultrasound, I'm sure you never thought to yourself, "Gee, if we're really lucky, God will take this baby to Paradise before he/she even takes a breath on this Earth or before they (insert any life event here)".  I guess I just wanted to give a perspective on this.  Not really to caution you from saying it.  I probably will at some point, when trying to comfort a bereaved family because it is comforting to know our babies are safe and sound, even more so than if they were here with us, but understanding that although there is comfort in that knowledge, it doesn't really lessen the devastation that we feel knowing that this little one we've been bonding with from the moment we knew they were there, is now only a memory we carry for the rest of our Earthly lives until the day we are reunited forever in Heaven.

6 months without you...

My precious Stephanie,

Oh sweet girl, mommy is missing you so much tonight.  It's officially been 6 months since the day you died.  Though it was another whole day until you were delivered, the 15th is the day our lives changed forever.  It's been awhile since I've missed you this much.  There isn't a day that goes by that you are not thought of and missed.  I am looking forward to the birth of your siblings, but they will never replace you.  My arms ache for you.  I continue to long for the day that I can hold you.  Your sisters, the new babies, no one will take away that ache that can only be filled by you.  It may not be felt as often, but it will always be there, until we are there with you.

God has done amazing things in our lives since he called you home.  Though I am grateful for the change, I will always wish those things could have been accomplished through some other way, but that was not God's plan.

I miss you so much.  That will never stop.  You are and forever will be a significant part of our lives.  Your absence is noticed daily.

I love you my Angel Princess!

Love,

Mommy

Stephanie's Memorial Service (I just felt like I should repost the link for those who weren't able to come or for those who haven't had a chance to watch it)
**************************************************************
It seems like there have been so many tragic losses and battles with terminal illnesses with in the Christian community.  I realize these things are happening outside of the Christian community as well but being a Christian, I am speaking from this perspective.  And by tragic, I mean young parents, babies and children.  I do not mean to minimize the loss of parents of adult children or grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.  Those are hard, there is no doubt about it.  But they are expected.  Nobody expects to lose their baby before or shortly after birth.  No one expects to have a child diagnosed with cancer.  No one expects their spouse to battle a terminal illness or to be killed in an accident. Not that we think we are "above" that. I guess it's just that we all have this built in knowledge that it wasn't supposed to be this way. When God created the world, there was no sin. Therefore, no death. However, as soon as sin entered in, so did death. But it wasn't suppposed to be. We all know these things happen, but we do not expect it. We certainly don't expect it to happen to us.  I believe there is a reason for this.  This is just my opinion.  I believe God has chosen us, and other Christian people to steward these burdens to show His glory.  We demonstrate that even when faced with horrific circumstances, our faith and loyalty not only continues, but flourishes and shines.  I believe He is using us to further His Kingdom, to win more souls for Him.  So that people will see what He has done in our lives and will want that for theirs!  I believe His return is soon.  I don't claim to know when.  The bible says no one knows the day or the hour.  But there are signs that are becoming more and more clear that we are coming closer to that day.  It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be next year, it could be several decades from now, it could be before you finish reading this blog.  Are you ready?  Do you know the difference between religion and relationship with Jesus?  I can tell you this, it wasn't religion that got me through Stephanie's death, it was and continues to be Jesus.

BIG NEWS and a Farewell to 2012

First off, I've shared on Facebook and CafeMom. but some of you may not have heard.  On Thursday December 27th, at a routine OB appointment, it was discovered that we are having TWINS!!!  We couldn't believe our eyes or our ears.  I've already had an ultrasound but somehow the 2nd one was hiding.  I've honestly never really hoped or wished for twins, but I've been saying since before we even conceived that we'd probably have twin boys if we "tried" again (thinking that would be the ultimate display of God's sense of humor) .  We do not know their genders yet and won't for a couple of monts.  At the first ultrasound, though I've never wished for twins, I was a little disappointed  but mostly relieved.  Our girls were disappointed that it wasn't twins.  So imagine all of our surprise (Jon and the girls came to my appointment that day) to find out God had indeed BLESSED us with TWINS!!!  This does, however, explain a lot.  I typically do not gain weight when pregnant but have gained some weight.  I am showing quite a bit, but explained that away as being my 7th pregnancy in only 10 years, and the last few had been very close together.  I've also been extremely hungry.  I have a special diet to follow when I am pregnant and have been able to stick to it for the most part but the last couple of months, not so much.  One other thing is the EXTREME fatigue.  I know I have my hands full, but the exhaustion I've felt is like I've never felt before.  So we are thrilled though overwhelmed.  We know God will supply ALL of our needs.  Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.

Now to bid adieu to 2012.  Full of inexpressible pain in the death of Stephanie, but also tremendous spiritual growth.  I would have given anything to have grown through some other trial.  However, God had other plans.  I would never have expected to live through losing a child.  I so didn't want to.  Each day when I woke up I was disappointed that I had.  However, God began working in me.  He used His people to walk me through this.  I was told to FOCUS ON THE TRUTH!  I was told I AM NOT A VICTIM!  I AM NOT THE MOTHER OF A DEAD BABY!  I AM A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST!!! I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!!  HE LOVES ME!!  It was hard to hear some of these things but over time, I started to believe them.  For a while I was in bondage to my emotions.  I had to let go.  I had to let God do His work in me and stop fighting it, if I ever wanted to feel normal again.  I had to realize that this didn't mean I was okay with Stephanie dying.  Honestly, it really doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not.   I could no longer try to express my love for her in my grief.  I think bereaved parents do that.  We have no other way to express our love so we feel we must grieve hard and long to prove our love.  Perhaps this is an assumption, but I think that is what I was trying to do at first.  I still miss her with all of my heart and long for the day that we are reunited.   Not a day goes by that I don't think of her several times.   I still have a lot of growing to do.  God is nowhere near done with me.  But, I am no longer just surviving.  I am living again!  I am stronger!  In every aspect of my being.  With God, I can do anything!

So that said, I am glad 2012 is over.  I am looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  However, I am trying to just be content in the moment.  Not dwelling on the past or putting too much hope in the future.  My hope is in the LORD!

Our Christmas Letter and Picture

To all of our dear family and friends:

 

As many of you are aware, this year has been full of both ups and downs for us. In February of this year, we moved from the basement we had lived in for two years, to a home in Roseville. Though we miss our family, that we were living with, living above ground has improved both our moods and our overall health.

In March, we learned that our 6^th blessing, due July 26, 2012 was to be a girl! We were very excited to be welcoming her to our family. At that time we decided her name was to be Stephanie Ruth.

In May, Jon and I celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss! Towards the end of May, I was put on a modified bed rest due to Pre-Eclampsia. Many of our church family pitched in to help us with meals and cleaning. We are so grateful for that!

July is the month where our lives were forever changed. (This is the abbreviated version, to view the full story, read the archives on this blog) On Sunday, July 15, I woke up after having a dream about Jon's mom (whose name is Mary Joanna, she passed away 3/2011). This dream prompted me to suggest changing Stephanie's middle name to Joanna. I laid in bed feeling her move that morning. Later in the day, I realized I hadn't felt her move in quite awhile. After laying down and still not feeling anything, I headed to the hospital and my worst fears were confirmed, Stephanie's heart stopped beating. After 26 hours of induced labor, Stephanie's lifeless body was delivered. The girls came up to the hospital to see the sister they had been waiting for. They all got to hold her. Pictures were taken by a volunteer photographer from the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We ultimately decided to change her middle name to Joanna, believing there was some sort of significance to the dream I had that morning. A Memorial Service was planned for the following Saturday. We spent that first week planning the service.

The next few months are a bit of a blur. There were many hard days. A lot of sadness. However, through this situation, it has become abundantly clear how much God loves His children. We have been comforted in ways we never expected and quicker than we ever thought possible. The scriptures have been a comfort. We now have a greater understanding of them, especially the verses about comfort, suffering and the unending Love of God. Christian Music was a huge comfort especially in those early days, when picking up the Bible was just too much to bear. God has used His people, who have been through the pain of a life changing loss, to comfort us through this time. Many would speak the TRUTH in LOVE. Though sometimes that was hard to hear, looking back, that is one of the things that helped the most. Our church family also began a prayer schedule where people signed up for blocks of time to spend specifically in prayer for us, 24 hours a day for 6 weeks! What a blessing this was! God also used books written by Mothers who've also lost a child. Reading about their grief validated the things I was feeling and helped me realize that the thoughts and doubts were common. It also helped me realize that whether your child died inside of your womb, shortly after birth or many years later, the pain is the same, though the circumstances are different. We also found a support group called Friends Supporting Parents, which has been a great help, for which we are thankful for. Jon and I (and the girls) are forever changed by this experience and though we would have never chosen to walk this road, we are on it and chose to turn our grief into gratitude and grow. We realized we can either let it ruin us or we can allow God to work through us, and be a part of making positive changes in the lives of those who hear Stephanie's story.

That brings us to October. Jon and I went away to a Marriage Seminar called a Weekend to Remember in Columbus, OH. The registration was gifted to us after Family Life heard about the loss of Stephanie. We were both enlightened that perhaps one day, we could become a part of the Family Life Staff. Just two years prior, I had not wanted any part of that and thought Jon was crazy for even suggesting it. Oh how a couple of years can change things. We would love to be a part of a ministry committed to strengthening families. I am also passionate about helping families who are grieving the loss of a child, particularly through Stillbirth. I am currently exploring different ways to do that in the future, realizing that now may not be the best time to pursue that. Especially since we came home from Columbus with a souvenir ;-) We found out a couple of weeks later that we are expecting our 7^th blessing! This baby's due date is 7/25/13, just one day before Stephanie was due last year. We don't believe there is any coincidence about that. We fully believe God had this all planned out. We continue to trust that His will, will be accomplished, though we pray daily that He would be pleased to allow this baby to grow to term and be born into this world alive.

The girls have done really well with this. We've involved them in all of it. We've answered their questions and they are quick to correct anyone that suggests that we have just 5 children. Stephanie is FOREVER a part of our family!

This week (12/10), began a new change for them. They began attending public school. It became clear to us that, at least for now, Home schooling is not the best option for our family. Rebekah and Abigail are adjusting well. Rachel loves her teacher but is struggling with the changes. She is a very sensitive young lady, so dealing with kids who aren't so nice is a struggle. We realize this is something she'll have to deal with all of her life, but it's hard to “throw her to the wolves” at such an emotional time in her life. I'm enjoying special time with Alexandria and Samantha, while the big girls are at school.

With Love,

The Schmaltz Family ♥

 

Jon & Sara
Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria
Samantha & Stephanie (forever in our hearts)
& Lord willing, our 7th blessing, due 7/25/13