BIG NEWS and a Farewell to 2012

First off, I've shared on Facebook and CafeMom. but some of you may not have heard.  On Thursday December 27th, at a routine OB appointment, it was discovered that we are having TWINS!!!  We couldn't believe our eyes or our ears.  I've already had an ultrasound but somehow the 2nd one was hiding.  I've honestly never really hoped or wished for twins, but I've been saying since before we even conceived that we'd probably have twin boys if we "tried" again (thinking that would be the ultimate display of God's sense of humor) .  We do not know their genders yet and won't for a couple of monts.  At the first ultrasound, though I've never wished for twins, I was a little disappointed  but mostly relieved.  Our girls were disappointed that it wasn't twins.  So imagine all of our surprise (Jon and the girls came to my appointment that day) to find out God had indeed BLESSED us with TWINS!!!  This does, however, explain a lot.  I typically do not gain weight when pregnant but have gained some weight.  I am showing quite a bit, but explained that away as being my 7th pregnancy in only 10 years, and the last few had been very close together.  I've also been extremely hungry.  I have a special diet to follow when I am pregnant and have been able to stick to it for the most part but the last couple of months, not so much.  One other thing is the EXTREME fatigue.  I know I have my hands full, but the exhaustion I've felt is like I've never felt before.  So we are thrilled though overwhelmed.  We know God will supply ALL of our needs.  Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.

Now to bid adieu to 2012.  Full of inexpressible pain in the death of Stephanie, but also tremendous spiritual growth.  I would have given anything to have grown through some other trial.  However, God had other plans.  I would never have expected to live through losing a child.  I so didn't want to.  Each day when I woke up I was disappointed that I had.  However, God began working in me.  He used His people to walk me through this.  I was told to FOCUS ON THE TRUTH!  I was told I AM NOT A VICTIM!  I AM NOT THE MOTHER OF A DEAD BABY!  I AM A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST!!! I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!!  HE LOVES ME!!  It was hard to hear some of these things but over time, I started to believe them.  For a while I was in bondage to my emotions.  I had to let go.  I had to let God do His work in me and stop fighting it, if I ever wanted to feel normal again.  I had to realize that this didn't mean I was okay with Stephanie dying.  Honestly, it really doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not.   I could no longer try to express my love for her in my grief.  I think bereaved parents do that.  We have no other way to express our love so we feel we must grieve hard and long to prove our love.  Perhaps this is an assumption, but I think that is what I was trying to do at first.  I still miss her with all of my heart and long for the day that we are reunited.   Not a day goes by that I don't think of her several times.   I still have a lot of growing to do.  God is nowhere near done with me.  But, I am no longer just surviving.  I am living again!  I am stronger!  In every aspect of my being.  With God, I can do anything!

So that said, I am glad 2012 is over.  I am looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  However, I am trying to just be content in the moment.  Not dwelling on the past or putting too much hope in the future.  My hope is in the LORD!

Our Christmas Letter and Picture

To all of our dear family and friends:

 

As many of you are aware, this year has been full of both ups and downs for us. In February of this year, we moved from the basement we had lived in for two years, to a home in Roseville. Though we miss our family, that we were living with, living above ground has improved both our moods and our overall health.

In March, we learned that our 6^th blessing, due July 26, 2012 was to be a girl! We were very excited to be welcoming her to our family. At that time we decided her name was to be Stephanie Ruth.

In May, Jon and I celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss! Towards the end of May, I was put on a modified bed rest due to Pre-Eclampsia. Many of our church family pitched in to help us with meals and cleaning. We are so grateful for that!

July is the month where our lives were forever changed. (This is the abbreviated version, to view the full story, read the archives on this blog) On Sunday, July 15, I woke up after having a dream about Jon's mom (whose name is Mary Joanna, she passed away 3/2011). This dream prompted me to suggest changing Stephanie's middle name to Joanna. I laid in bed feeling her move that morning. Later in the day, I realized I hadn't felt her move in quite awhile. After laying down and still not feeling anything, I headed to the hospital and my worst fears were confirmed, Stephanie's heart stopped beating. After 26 hours of induced labor, Stephanie's lifeless body was delivered. The girls came up to the hospital to see the sister they had been waiting for. They all got to hold her. Pictures were taken by a volunteer photographer from the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We ultimately decided to change her middle name to Joanna, believing there was some sort of significance to the dream I had that morning. A Memorial Service was planned for the following Saturday. We spent that first week planning the service.

The next few months are a bit of a blur. There were many hard days. A lot of sadness. However, through this situation, it has become abundantly clear how much God loves His children. We have been comforted in ways we never expected and quicker than we ever thought possible. The scriptures have been a comfort. We now have a greater understanding of them, especially the verses about comfort, suffering and the unending Love of God. Christian Music was a huge comfort especially in those early days, when picking up the Bible was just too much to bear. God has used His people, who have been through the pain of a life changing loss, to comfort us through this time. Many would speak the TRUTH in LOVE. Though sometimes that was hard to hear, looking back, that is one of the things that helped the most. Our church family also began a prayer schedule where people signed up for blocks of time to spend specifically in prayer for us, 24 hours a day for 6 weeks! What a blessing this was! God also used books written by Mothers who've also lost a child. Reading about their grief validated the things I was feeling and helped me realize that the thoughts and doubts were common. It also helped me realize that whether your child died inside of your womb, shortly after birth or many years later, the pain is the same, though the circumstances are different. We also found a support group called Friends Supporting Parents, which has been a great help, for which we are thankful for. Jon and I (and the girls) are forever changed by this experience and though we would have never chosen to walk this road, we are on it and chose to turn our grief into gratitude and grow. We realized we can either let it ruin us or we can allow God to work through us, and be a part of making positive changes in the lives of those who hear Stephanie's story.

That brings us to October. Jon and I went away to a Marriage Seminar called a Weekend to Remember in Columbus, OH. The registration was gifted to us after Family Life heard about the loss of Stephanie. We were both enlightened that perhaps one day, we could become a part of the Family Life Staff. Just two years prior, I had not wanted any part of that and thought Jon was crazy for even suggesting it. Oh how a couple of years can change things. We would love to be a part of a ministry committed to strengthening families. I am also passionate about helping families who are grieving the loss of a child, particularly through Stillbirth. I am currently exploring different ways to do that in the future, realizing that now may not be the best time to pursue that. Especially since we came home from Columbus with a souvenir ;-) We found out a couple of weeks later that we are expecting our 7^th blessing! This baby's due date is 7/25/13, just one day before Stephanie was due last year. We don't believe there is any coincidence about that. We fully believe God had this all planned out. We continue to trust that His will, will be accomplished, though we pray daily that He would be pleased to allow this baby to grow to term and be born into this world alive.

The girls have done really well with this. We've involved them in all of it. We've answered their questions and they are quick to correct anyone that suggests that we have just 5 children. Stephanie is FOREVER a part of our family!

This week (12/10), began a new change for them. They began attending public school. It became clear to us that, at least for now, Home schooling is not the best option for our family. Rebekah and Abigail are adjusting well. Rachel loves her teacher but is struggling with the changes. She is a very sensitive young lady, so dealing with kids who aren't so nice is a struggle. We realize this is something she'll have to deal with all of her life, but it's hard to “throw her to the wolves” at such an emotional time in her life. I'm enjoying special time with Alexandria and Samantha, while the big girls are at school.

With Love,

The Schmaltz Family ♥

 

Jon & Sara
Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria
Samantha & Stephanie (forever in our hearts)
& Lord willing, our 7th blessing, due 7/25/13

 

 

 

Great News!!!

This is my Facebook Status from yesterday, 11/12/12

It is with great joy that we share the news that we are once again expecting! Our newest blessing is due 7/20/13. Just 6 days before Stephanie was due. It may be a bit early to be sharing this news but the truth is, there is no point in which we feel "safe". We need your prayers for strength, during what is likely to be the most emotionally difficult pregnancy yet. It will take the grace of God, that sustained us through the loss of Stephanie, to carry us through this pregnancy. Please pray that I will rest in Him, the Giver of this life growing inside of my womb. If we should experience another loss, we would hope that our friends and family would be there to support us with kind words and prayers, just as you did when Stephanie died. With a FB friend base of 400+, we understand that there are many opinions on our choices in this area. If you are happy for us, great we are so thankful for your support. If you have suffered a recent loss, please know that we have agonized over sharing this news with you. We, in no way, want to add to your hurt. If you are concerned for us, we appreciate your concern, but we are adults and are capable of making PRAYERFUL decisions concerning what is best for our family. If we can believe it was God's will to allow Stephanie to die, and we do, we certainly believe that allowing us to conceive this blessing, at this time, is also His will. We answer to God, not our well meaning family and friends. Yes, it may have been "ideal" to wait a few more months, but my health has significantly improved since I was pregnant with Stephanie, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Sharable details....We went away to Columbus for the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference and came home with a "souvenir" ♥

God doesn't always call the equipped, but He will equip the called...

Jon and I attended a marriage conference called Weekend to Remember put on by Family Life.  It was a very refreshing time away.  It was so nice to just be Jon and Sara for the weekend.  We missed our girls but just being alone together for the entire weekend was so amazing!  Anyway, God seems to be opening up a new chapter in our lives.  It's amazing to see Him doing His work.  While at the conference they discussed how we (the attendees) can help.  There are many ways.  From supporting with prayer or finances to volunteering to help bring a Weekend to Remember event to the area in which you live all the way to joining the support Staff as a Missionary.  We are not sure exactly where God is directing but we feel certain that He is calling us into this ministry to help build healthy marriages and families!  Crazy you say?  Yeah I thought so too when Jon dragged me to those sessions 2 years ago, (I truly thought to myself, "Are you insane, I have absolutely no interest in that!") but after seeing what God has done in the last 15 weeks since Stephanie died, I am more convinced of His abilities to make something out of nothing than I EVER have been.  Joining the Staff as a Missionary would require raising support.  Surprisingly, that doesn't intimidate me at all.  If God is truly directing us that way, He WILL supply the support, I have no doubt what-so-ever!  Please pray that we will continue to seek His will in this (and all) areas of our lives and that it will be abundantly clear to us what to pursue.

Moving on = Betrayal???

10/16/2012

After a significant stretch of mostly up days, out of nowhere I was hit with this feeling of guilt and betrayal of Stephanie.  I know this is not true, but feel it necessary to share for two reasons.  The first because writing it out helps me and the second because it seems to be a common feeling and I wanted to share it for those who find this blog helpful in their own grieving process.

I've mentioned this "guilty" feeling before but it's different this time.  Stronger.  It goes beyond a feeling of I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment and then back to grieving.  It's that there is this feeling like I haven't grieved her long enough, or my love for her is somehow measured by the tears that I cry.  This is simply not true.  This is one of those lies that Satan uses to try to keep me in the pit.  I refuse to allow it.  There is no such way to measure love.  Here is the Truth to fight that lie...

The only measurement for love I know of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Nowhere does it say anything about how long one should grieve their child and by cutting that "short" of whatever expectation you have for what is normal somehow makes you a bad mom.  Nowhere does it say that one must cry "X" amount of tears in order to show your love.  This is not to say tears are bad.  They are not, but it certainly is no way to measure my love.  Love is not a feeling...it is an action.  The best way I can show my love for Stephanie is to love others.
---
10/17/2012

Today has been one of those minute by minute days.  I had a major cry fest in the shower.  I did feel better after so it was probably a good thing.  In spite of the struggle, I pushed my way through the day reminding myself of Truth and thanking God for the things I AM thankful for.  I went to church tonight even though I did not FEEL like it and as usual was blessed by the message in the book, Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick.  It's amazing how I've missed so many truths about God all of these years.  The most important is just how much God loves me.  Going through the death of Stephanie left me with so many questions.  Though I knew better, I began to think that God was punishing me for something.  This book has helped me to remember that God doesn't work that way.  If you are reading this and wonder, does God even care?  I urge you to read this book!  It will make things so clear.

Another important thing is that we want things to happen immediately.  We want the biggest bang for our buck.  We want a big immediate reward for just a little bit of obedience.  We need to perservere through our trials and not give up when it is hard.  If we give up, we will miss out on the spiritual growth that occurs during those times.

I've realized that my faith really hasn't been tested much before or perhaps it has and I missed it.  We've had plenty of trials through our 10 years of marriage but somehow I didn't stop and pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from them.  I grumbled through them.  I complained and I cried.  Eventually the trial passed or maybe I just got used to things being hard.  But did it cause me to turn to God?  Not really, I may have prayed once or twice, and asked others to pray, but it never caused a change in me.  I believe this has.

3 months...

Today marks three months since we found out our little Stephanie had been called home to be with Jesus.  I feel like I have so much in my head to say but can't seem to put it all together to write it out.  In these 3 months, I have changed A LOT!  Mostly for the better I hope.  God is no where near done with me yet.  For that I am grateful.  Though I would have never chosen this path, I'm sure that God knows what He is doing and look forward to seeing the masterpiece.  Though the final reveal won't be until I am in Heaven, I look forward to seeing the almost finished product.

As I am typing this, I am reflecting on Stephanie's short life.  Oh how I wish there was more to remember her by.  I wish I could have good memories to help me feel better when I am sad, but there are not.  I never got to see her smile, but I will.  I've come a long way in these 3 months.  I'm sure I haven't shed my last tear, but I'm hoping from here on out I can not let the sadness consume me.  I've realized that being stuck in my grief is not going to get me where I want to be and will certainly not take me back to before she died, so I am choosing to turn my grief into gratitude and growth.  By no means am I suggesting if you are thick in the middle of grieving that you should be in the same place I am.  I'm not even certain that I will be in this place tomorrow, but I am trying hard to make a conscious decision daily, sometimes hourly even every minute to not allow myself to fall back into the pit.  I've recently read "I Will Carry You"by Angie Smith and am just a few chapters away from finishing "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, which have been a huge help in getting to where I am now.   I have also been meeting with a Psychiatrist and the Women's Ministry Leader at our church, which have helped immensely.  The support from our support group, Friends Supporting Parents and other friends who are no stranger to loss and grief have been a huge help as well.

We got our pictures back of Stephanie.  You can view the slideshow at the bottom of the home page of this blog.

With that I will close with a short message to my girl.

Sweet Stephanie,

It's been 3 months, a quarter of a year.  I still miss you so much!  I will always miss what you could have been in our lives.  But God had a bigger purpose for you so for now I just have to trust that His way is best and look forward to seeing you in Heaven.  Not a day has gone by that you haven't been remembered.  Of course, even if it was possible, now that I have your name tattooed on my forearm, it's always a visible reminder of you.  We lit a candle tonight in memory of you and all of the other babies whose Mommy's and Daddy's had to say goodbye before they were ready to.  I love you so much my girl.  I long for the day that I can hold you again.  Until then I will embrace your sisters who will never replace you, but God chose to entrust them to us while we are here, so we cherish the time we have with them.  You will never be forgotten.  One thing you taught us is to really appreciate the things in life that truley matter and that those things aren't really things at all but relationships.  Not that we didn't know that before but it was never more clear than it has been since we had to say goodbye to you.

Love,

Mommy ♥

Surgery without anesthesia...

God is working on me big time and it is so painful that it is like having surgery without anesthesia. I've been experiencing times of severe unrest in my soul. I've never experienced this before. God is revealing what a sinner I truly am (we all are). I've been so oblivious to this. Not that I didn't think I sinned I was just completely unaware of it. He is also trying to show me how much He loves me. I don't know how I could have missed these things. The battle comes when Satan tries to take advantage of my compromised emotions and beats me while I'm down. He tries to make me doubt all I have been taught and know about God. He tries to tell me God is not good and doesn't love me, how could a good God, a God who loves me, take my baby? He tries to put fear in me that I am not truly saved and will not see Stephanie again. I know these are lies and when I am strong it's easier for me to resist the temptation to believe the lies but the moments of weakness are a completely different experience.

So, I need to focus on truth, as a wise friend, who has experienced a huge loss in her life told me just days after Stephanie died. It was also in a great book that I just read. The book is called "The only way you are reading this, is if I am gone." By Carrie Bolesky. Carrie's 16 year old son died in a car accident 2 years ago. Though our circumstances are different, it's amazing how many of the emotions and thoughts are similar.

God has been speaking to me. Songs I haven't heard in years are in my thoughts. I am recalling verses. Friends are sharing scripture with me. On a particularly difficult day the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) flooded my mind. Earlier this week I woke up with the song Love that will not let me go By: Steve Camp in my head and then on the same day; read an email from a dear friend sharing the following passage:

Isaiah 49:13-16
¹³ Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
¹⁴ But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
¹⁵ “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
The commentary in the NIV study Bible I am using discusses these verses:
" 'The Lord has forsaken me.' These are the words of the Israelites, who experienced great adversity and thus felt abandoned and forgotten by God. God's response gives divine assurance to any believer going through trying times. (1) His love for us is greater than the natural affection of a loving mother for her children; it is therefore unthinkable that he will ever forget us, especially in our times of despair and grief. (2) His compassion for us will never fail, regardless of life's circumstances; he watches over us with great tenderness and love, and we may rest in the conviction that he will never leave us. (3) The evidence of God's great love is that he has engraved us on the palms of his own hands, so that he can never forget us; the scars in his hands are always before his eyes as a reminder of the great love he has showered on us and of his desire to care for us."

I am also taking a class at church studying the book "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The book is all about How much God loves us and why. And how we forget who He really is and who we are in Him.

So, I am focusing on TRUTH! Truth found in scripture, Truth about what happened. I am learning about how much God loves me and gaining a new appreciation for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me (and all who believe). I am praying for God to help me believe these truths clearly and that it will penetrate my soul. I am spending time in the Word. I am praying that His desires will become my desires.

I am, at least for today, choosing to move forward instead of dwelling on what has happened. I am coming to terms with the realization that moving on in no way means I have forgotten my sweet Stephanie. It doesn't mean that she isn't important to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I won't have a bad day now and then. Staying in a state of sadness isn't going to bring her back. I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could. She would not want me to be sad all the time. I need to heal so that Jon has his wife back. I need to heal so I can fully be here for Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria and Samantha. I need to heal so that if God chooses to bless us with another child, I will be healthy enough to handle it, both emotionally and physically. I need to heal so that God can use me to shine for Him. To help others going through the loss of a child. There will come a day when I see Stephanie again and that time, it will be forever!

Longing for Heaven

A quote from stillbirthday.com by Heidi Faith (I don't know if that is her real name so I don't entirely know who to credit for this but these are not my original words, it made so much sense to me.  I am just waiting for my brain to tell my heart.)

"I miss you, baby C.  (Stephanie) I miss you so much.   It is impossible to run back to you.  So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "

"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow.  As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
--------
I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon.  I really have to do both.  Neither is optional really.  I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me.  They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word.  But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly.  I cannot deny that.  When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to.  I will miss all of her firsts.  If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.

I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief.  Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back.  That is a fact.  However, I still can't believe that this has happened.  It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change.  She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly.  I don't understand the grief process.  There doesn't seem to be a set normal.  The only normal is that it takes time.  And that length of time varies significantly from person to person.  You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different.  Atleast mine does.  I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with.  I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am.  I'm just angry with the situation.  Angry that Jon and I have to go through this.  Angry that my kids have to go through this.

I long for Heaven in a way I never have.  It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there.  Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too.  The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned.  It's never been that way for me.  I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up...  As if I had some control over it.  But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it.  I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living.  However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven.  Especially those I am closest to. 

Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one.  Something I am reminding myself daily.

Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul.  I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.

Anywhere but here....

Oh to be content with my life... This is the secret I am hoping to discover within the pages of the book "One Thousand Gifts" by AnnVoskamp and the Bible of course.  But right now if life had a remote with a rewind or a fast forward button, I would press one of them in a heartbeat.  Most likely I would choose the fast forward button because the rewind would cause me to go through this all over again.  I just want to be past this intensely painful part of my life.  But, unfortunately there is no such remote.  In addition to that I would miss out on all of the spiritual growth going through this sort of thing causes.  However this growth comes with the most excrutiating growing pains.

I have had a few "good" days in between the bad ones.  It seems I am just led to post something on the days that are particularily difficult.  I am continuing to find comfort in music and scripture as well.  Oh how I wish I could feel the arms of Christ surrounding me.  I know they are there and I guess I feel them to an extent, because I truly believe that is the only way I am able to breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other each day.  Though some days those efforts are so painful.  But I want to really feel them like the words of the Kari Jobe song, The More I seek You say "I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand.  Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat"

Yesterday, I had another "visit" from a ladybug.  I know some believe that these visits are their loved one coming for a visit.  I don't believe that Stephanie is the ladybug.  If you do, please don't be offended, I just don't.  But I do think there is some significance to these visits.  I don't know if God sends them, or Stephanie asks Him to, or if it's some other reason other than pure coincidence.

I am so blessed by others who mention Stephanie.  To hear others use her name is a gift to me.  It reminds me that she has touched so many hearts even though she never even took a breath on this Earth. 

An inspiring article

I can identify with so many of the statements in this article.  I am posting it because it may help you or someone in the future.  There is a link to the actual article but I copied and pasted the text in case one day the link no longer works.

Amazing article about a mom who lost her daughter in a tragic accident...

LAKE FOREST — A van carrying a mother, baby-sitter and three young children from Irvine was broadsided as it emerged from the Foothill Transportation Corridor toll road Saturday afternoon, killing a 4-year-old girl and sending others to the hospital.

--Los Angeles Times, May 26, 1996

*

A routine account of a Memorial Day weekend traffic accident. The victims are nameless and the details are few, but they convey life-changing tragedy. Parents reading it see their worst nightmare: the death of a child. What about the survivors? How do they go on?

The mother driving the van was Jana Alayra, a Christian singer-songwriter whose upbeat children's songs are performed in churches nationwide. The child killed in the crash was her daughter, Eryn Lynn ("Lynnie").

The experience was indeed life-changing for Alayra, who emerged from it with a stronger sense of her faith and with a new mission in reaching out to children and adults.

"The faith I sing about is even more real because a part of me is already in heaven," she told a recent gathering of mothers.

"Anything we try to hold on to--our parents, our children, our jobs, our security--can be gone overnight," she said. "The only thing that will never change is that I am a child of God. He is the anchor for my soul."

Her life took on a new dimension. She began speaking to women's groups with the hope of bringing comfort to those who have had a similar experience.

"I never intended to be a speaker," she said. "But if I can bring the blessing of comfort to someone who is grieving, then I consider it a unique privilege."

Alayra, who once taught second grade in Santa Ana, began her music career by leading worship at church services and vacation Bible school. While serving as the children's music coordinator at Forest Home Christian Conference Center, she met children's music artist Mary Rice Hopkins and became her backup singer for six years. She began writing and performing songs and produced a CD, "Free Indeed," in 1989. Like her later releases, the recording was self-financed and produced.

She released a second CD, "Here in Your Hands," in 1992 shortly after the birth of her daughter Hayley and a devastating divorce from her first husband.

A few years later, she married Ron Alayra, a musician she knew from church. She got pregnant with Lynnie right away and another daughter, Brittany, came along in 1995.

She and her new husband formed a band with friends and began performing her children's songs at churches throughout the state.

She released "Jump Into The Light", a collection of children's songs produced by Ron, and "There Will Come a Day," selections of her adult praise music produced by John Andrew Schreiner in 1995.

The day of the accident began like any other. In the morning, Alayra and the children skated around the neighborhood. When she put them down for a nap in the afternoon, she kissed Lynnie's chubby cheeks. "She had these huge cheeks and I loved to kiss them," she said. "I never would have dreamed that would be the last time."

Around 4:30 p.m., she and the kids headed over to Saddleback Valley Community Church in Lake Forest, where she was scheduled to sing at the evening service. Their 13-year-old baby-sitter, Denee Heinrichs, was along to watch the kids while Alayra performed. Ron stayed behind to work in the studio on a new CD.

Heading south toward Lake Forest, she exited the Foothill Transportation Corridor at Portola Parkway and accidentally ran the light at the intersection. Her Mazda MPV was struck broadside by a four-wheel-drive pickup heading south on Portola.

"There was hurt and glass and crying and screaming," Alayra said. Injured and disoriented, she turned to check on the children. "Hayley was crying and Brittany was crying. And then I looked in Lynnie's eyes," she said. "I knew she was gone. I could see that she was no longer there."

A bystander put her arms around Alayra and led her over to the curb. The woman began praying softly, "Lord, you are faithful. You know this woman's life. Protect her and comfort her. You will be her future, you will be her peace."

Alayra remembers desperately begging God to bring Lynnie back, but as they prayed, she felt herself letting go. "I felt God's peace," she said. "God sent that woman to tell me what was true . . . that God was with me and would help me through this."

Alayra and the others in the van were not seriously injured. The occupants of the pickup truck were not hurt.

Afterward, she struggled with unbearable regret. If only she'd waited at the intersection . . . if only she'd left at a different time . . . if only she'd taken a different route.

"I began to recognize these thoughts as the words of the enemy," she said. "It's part of the spiritual warfare that Christians face. I knew it would destroy me if I let it."

Alayra and her husband say they don't have all the answers for why God took Lynnie. "But I know there was a plan and a purpose for her short time here," she said. "Her death had a profound impact on kids who knew her. Heaven is not such a looming, scary place because they know someone who lives there."

They are confident that they'll see their daughter again. "Her little spirit is alive in a beautiful place where there is laughter and singing," she said. "God took her in a merciful way. She was napping in the van and died instantly. She went to sleep and woke up in His presence."

Grief comes in waves...

It's been a rough several days.  I'm told grief comes in waves.  A couple of "good" days followed by a couple (or several) "bad" days.  None the less it sucks.  Sorry if that is a word you don't like, but under the circumstances, it's all I can come up with.  Please know that though this post may reflect a lot of my negative emotions, I haven't forgotten that God is right there beside me.  I just need to get this out.  One day when I am able to help someone go through this I want to be able to go back and see both the positive and negative.  I know I am going to come out of this shining but getting there is another story.  It's a long DARK road.  There are little glimpses of light along the path but right now, I'm not going to lie, it is DARK and overwhelmingly scary!  It feels like I will be like this the rest of my life, though I am assured by many who have walked this DARK path, that is not true. Though I will carry this throughout the rest of my life, it will not always feel like this.  I am broken, I am devastated, nothing about this is okay!  I am so overwhelmed that just the day to day stuff, kids fighting, messes, noise makes me think to myself, " I hate my life and I just want to die"  Before you send the police to my house, please know, I am not suicidal.  I do not have plans to harm myself or anyone else.  My Psychiatrist knows of these thoughts and feelings and is not shocked or disturbed by them.  If you've ever grieved before you are probably familiar with these feelings.  If you haven't, consider yourself very fortunate.  I hope you never experience grief this severe.

I held my dear friends newborn baby tonight.  I've held two other babies prior since Stephanie died.  I had to.  I didn't want to avoid them so I started right away.  Just 3 days after learning Stephanie had gone to be with Jesus I held a precious 1 month old baby girl.  At Stephanie's Memorial Luncheon, I held another precious baby girl.  It's hard but it's so rewarding at the same time.  There are four little babies at my church who were born within a 6 week period.  I have chosen to embrace them rather than avoid them.  I think God put these babies in my life for a reason.  Though it is hard seeing them and will be hard to watch them grow up without Stephanie, I choose to make them special to me in a way.  Tonight though, my sweet friend was sitting next to me holding her little boy just crying, understanding how incredibly difficult it was for me, she knows how bad I am hurting.  I just told her it's okay...It's okay... She asked if I'd like to hold him (we've discussed this before, I told her I would want to) and I said yes.  It's bittersweet, but it's an honor to hold a precious life in my arms, even if it's not my sweet Stephanie.  Life is precious!!!

Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a request for people to comment with verses for comfort and encouragement.  If you posted any, thank you.  I read them all and will go back to those verses often as we go through this storm.  Perhaps I will put them in another post. I've added links to some songs below.  Hopefully in time I will be posting actual scripture references in addition to songs.  I am working to make quiet time with God my number one priority of the day.  Something I've wanted to want to do for a long time (not a typo).  Now that God has become more real to me than ever, I need to dig in and really learn Who God is.  I need to stop wasting my faith.  I have wasted so much of my life just doing my own thing, talking the talk but not really walking the walk.  That is all about to change.  Again, I will never know if the reason for Stephanie's death is to change me or if the changes taking place in me are just a side "benefit" to God's real purpose.  The why doesn't really matter.   Humanly speaking, we want to know why, but knowing why won't change that she is gone and won't bring her back.  So I just need to act on what I know God is calling me to do.  Continuing to be lazy about God, is not going to grow me.  Ignoring God's tugging at my heart, will make Stephanie's death be in vain as far as I am concerned.  I cannot let that happen!

Phil Stacey- You're not Shaken

JJ Heller - Your Hands

Josh Wilson - Savior Please

Casting Crowns - If We Ever Needed You

Casting Crowns - Jesus Hold Me Now

Casting Crowns - Praise You in this Storm

Casting Crowns - The Voice of Truth

Life goes on...

but I hate that it has to without Stephanie.  Like it or not there are things that must be done.  Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, Dr. appointments and pretty soon...homeschool.  This past week, it was making a menu and grocery list that made it painfully clear that life has to move on without her.  I have 5 amazingly wonderful little girls that need me and I can't let my grieving for the child that no longer needs me or thoughts of having another child in the future continuously consume me.  Sure there will be times when I miss her so much that I can hardly bear it, but it can't be all the time.  I need to be here for them, not just here in the physical sense but here in every way they need me to be.

Hold Me Jesus- Rich Mullins

A letter to my Angel Princess (1 month mark)

To My precious Stephanie,

Though I know you will never see this, I just feel I need to write out what's on my heart and it feels right to address it to you. I wish so much that you could see and respond. But I will have to wait until that sweet day that we are reunited in Heaven. My arms ache to hold you!

Today marks one month since we found out you had gone to be with Jesus, though the official record says the 16th. Baby girl, I miss you so much. I wanted you so bad. Though you were a bit of a surprise to Daddy and I, we were so looking forward to you joining our family. Though you weren't planned by us, you were very much planned by God. We had no idea that you would only be entrusted to us for such a short time. It would have been really crazy for awhile with Samantha being so little still, but we would have managed. There were times when I was completely overwhelmed with how I was going to manage and I remember telling my mom that I didn't want you to come and than followed that up with but of course, I didn't want you to die either. I'm so sorry for saying that or even thinking that. I know that saying that didn't make this happen but I would give anything to have you here with me.

Your Daddy and sisters miss you so much too. They each have their way of expressing it. For Daddy, it's realizing the things he does with your sisters, he'll never get to do with you. For Rachel, she gets sad when she goes in her room because you were supposed to share it with her when you got a little older. For Rebekah, she is mostly quiet but she will come give me a hug when I am crying. For Abigail, she sings songs about you. For Lexi, she cries for you at night mostly, but also asks me daily if I miss you. Samantha, is too young to get it but when we mention your name, she pulls up my shirt, because she remembers you were there. I remember you were there! My hand still rests on my belly at times out of habit from feeling you. You were loved from the moment I knew you were there. I hope you felt that.

So my little Angel Princess, I have so many questions about what it is like in Heaven. You know no different other than the comforts of my womb. For me it is such mystery. The Bible talks about it some and there are books written about what it may be like, but nobody here on Earth really knows. Have you gotten to sit on Jesus' lap? Is Grandma Schmaltz helping to take care of you? Do you have another sibling there? I believe Lexi had a twin that is there with you. What do you look like now? Will we really be reunited as a family again? Will you be as special to us then as you are now? Can you see us? Are you cheering us on and praying on our behalf like some books suggest? Do you know how long we have to wait to see you? Do you know how much you are loved and missed or just how many lives you've touched?

God has really been comforting us through this. He's more real to me now than ever before! For that I am grateful, I just wish that could have been accomplished in a different way. A way that did not include being told you died inside of me and delivering your lifeless body after 26 hours of labor. A way that didn't include leaving the hospital with empty arms. But God is changing my heart because of you my little ladybug. He's changing parts of my heart that had been resistant until now. I will never know why this happened. Maybe it was to change me, maybe that is just an added benefit to the original purpose. You will never be forgotten, my sweet girl.

I'm sure as time goes by I will have much more to share and "ask" you but for today I will close with my last Facebook status...From the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

♫♪We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do♫♪

I love you Forever,

Mommy ♥

Healing through music...

So some of you know music speaks to me in ways that nothing else can.  I am hoping one day soon scripture will do the same but for now I am finding comfort and healing in songs that are based on the truths of scripture.  Some songs that have provided some healing for me today are...



Natalie Grant- Held

Natalie Grant- In Better Hands Now

Christy Nockles- Waiting Here for You

Watermark- Glory Baby

I did it!

Well I got my tattoo!  And I love it!  Regardless of how you personally feel about it, I'm guessing no one will have the nerve to debate me on it right now. It's a beautiful memorial of Stephanie.
I designed it myself. It's my first and probably only, though it wasn't that painful. I just never had the desire until I lost Stephanie. I wanted it so people ask me about her. I want to talk about her. I do not want her to be forgotten! She is as real to me as my 5 living children.  For those who think it's controversial.  I have thought long and hard about this.  I got the opinion of 3 different pastors.  Two said there was no violation in scripture, one believes it is.  I believe this is a Roman's 14 disputable matter and is no different than piercing your ears.  I've prayed about it and am at peace with the decision. 

The ladybug is our "symbol" of Stephanie.  Her name means "crown". The gem in the crown is a ruby (the July birthstone). The water lily is one of the July birth month flowers.

A ladybug sighting...

Some of you may know the ladybug is symbolic of Stephanie.  This came to be the night before her Memorial Service.  I was preparing things for it and a ladybug flew into my head and then landed on my leg. Earlier that day Jon and I were talking about what our "symbol" might be and he said that it has to just come to you, you can't just pick it.  That very night we accepted the ladybug as our reminder of Stephanie.  Tonight another ladybug landed on me and crawled all over my shirt.  I cried.  I miss my baby girl so much!  Tomorrow is the 4 week "anniversary".  In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday that we lost her, in other ways it seems like I've been mourning her forever.  I took the girls to Kmart tonight and heard the song "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey playing as we walked into the store.  Thought of her then, of course.  Anticipating that sweet day that I will see her again. 

By the time most of you see this I will have gotten a tattoo in memory of Stephanie.  Some of you will think it was not a wise choice, some of you will love it and many won't care one way or the other.  I've thought about it, prayed about it, sought counsel from 2 members of the Pastoral staff at our church, which incidentally gave completely differing opinions on the subject and provided scripture to back up their viewpoint.  Ultimately, I am at peace with doing it.  I want people to see it and ask about it and I want to talk about her.  I want to talk about her until the day I see her again.  I want to share her story and what God is doing in our lives.  I do not want her to be forgotten.  Obviously I won't forget about her and most of my family won't either but after the shock wears off, many of our friends and acquaintances aren't going to be thinking about her.

I've really found comfort in songs this week. Some of them I just heard for the first time; others I just heard it with a different heart and could relate to it now, like never before.


Mercy Me- Bring the Rain

Mercy Me- The Hurt and the Healer

Kari Jobe- Steady My Heart

Laura Story- Blessings

Mandisa- Stronger

The reason for this blog...

I've started this blog to keep a record of this journey God has me on so that I can look back and see just how he has carried me through the death of my precious 6th daughter, Stephanie Joanna.  I want it to be honest.  I want to shine Jesus through this, but not try to pretend that this isn't the worst emotional and sometimes physical pain I've ever had to endure.  I believe God is going to use me in big ways when I share this story.  I hope you are blessed as you read along.

The words God laid on my heart to speak at Stephanie's service

I could tell you all about how hard this has been but doing so would not be honoring God or my daughter. Instead, I am choosing to share the things for which I am grateful, even in the midst of this storm.

I am grateful for the 38 weeks I got to carry Stephanie. I am grateful that God chose ME to be her mommy. I am the ONLY one who got to experience her fully while she was alive.

I am grateful for the bed rest that I was on because it allowed me to be still and really relish in her movements.

I am grateful for the frequent fetal monitoring that allowed me to listen to Stephanie's precious heart beating for many minutes each time.

I am grateful for my Doctor and the nurse assigned to me in the hospital who handled the situation with such compassion.

I am grateful that I did not require a C-Section. Though the process of delivering Stephanie was long and painful, the recovery is so much shorter. I was also able to participate in the sweet time we had as a family with Stephanie's shell, rather than being flat on my back recovering from a spinal.

I am grateful for the company “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” for providing a service which allowed us to capture this difficult but special memory in pictures. This service is free of charge which is why we have suggested them for donations rather than receiving flowers.

I am grateful for the Sovereignty of God. To paraphrase Psalm 139:16 All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was even one day old. What you have done is wonderful, I know this very well. I wholeheartedly believe that July 15^th, was Stephanie's day to die. It wouldn't have mattered if she was born a week or even a day sooner. We still would have lost her that day, it would have just been under different circumstances.

I am grateful for those in my life who have paved the way of this difficult path we are on. Though I am sad to know that they have had to endure this kind of pain, they have helped walk me through this. I hope that God will use me in the future to help someone else as they walk this difficult road.

I am grateful that Stephanie will never feel pain. Pain as small as getting pinched by her sister to the pain as great as losing a child. From what I understand her death was not painful. It was quick and she just fell asleep.

I am grateful for the love and prayers and support from our family, friends and church body. They are truly what is sustaining us. God is carrying us through.

I am grateful that though I have ignored God calling me. God did not stop pursuing me. I don't mean to suggest that even for a second that this is some kind of punishment for my complacency. God doesn't work that way. I am just grateful that he didn't give up on me.

If just one of you comes to faith in Christ through the death of our Stephanie, it will make it worth it. Only Christ can save you, but to know that her story was somehow part of rescuing just one more soul, would bless us beyond words.

 

Stephanie's Memorial Service on YouTube

The stillborn birth story of Stephanie Joanna

***DISCLAIMER:  I LOVE TO VERBALLY SHARE THIS STORY SO IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ IT HERE, BEAR WITH ME :-)***

It started with a dream in the early morning hours of July 15^th. In this dream, my Mother-in-Law, who passed away in March of last year, stumbled out of a door into my arms. I caught her and when I did, she embraced me so tightly. I returned that embrace just as tightly. I never hugged her like that when she was alive. Our relationship was difficult. I awoke in tears. I was so shaken by this dream. I laid in bed sobbing for about an hour and a half. During that time I recall feeling Stephanie moving as she usually did. I started thinking about her middle name and felt burdened to change it from Ruth to Joanna (my Mother-in-Law's middle name). When my husband woke up, I told him the dream and how I thought we should consider changing her middle name to Joanna. I said, “Maybe, if she is born today, we should consider changing her name to Stephanie Joanna.” I think he thought I was just being crazy hormonal woman.

I helped get the girls ready to go off to church with Jon and I stayed home with Samantha. We were sitting in a chair watching TV and she drifted off to sleep and so did I. I woke up just before the family got home from church. When they got home things got busy. They needed lunch and we were preparing for the week since we were planning on having Stephanie on the 19^th, if not sooner. I finished a grocery list and Jon went shopping. He came home and there was stuff to be put away.

Around 3:30, I realized it had been awhile since I felt her moving. I've experienced this sort of thing before with all of my pregnancies, so I wasn't too worried. I drank a tall glass of ice water and went to lay down. After about 20 minutes, I felt nothing. I pushed on her hoping to get some sort of response, but nothing. I got up and drank orange juice and then got in the shower expecting to need to go to the hospital for monitoring. After my shower, I laid down again, only to feel nothing. I then headed off to the hospital. I think deep down, I knew she was gone. I just didn't want to believe it. On the way there, I noticed that my belly felt heavy, laying in my lap.

I arrived at the hospital and the nurse attempted to hook me up to the monitors. She couldn't find Stephanie's heartbeat. We've had trouble getting it before, but not in the last couple of weeks. The nurse got the resident to come do an ultrasound. I could see the screen and when she placed the transducer on my belly, I saw no fluttering heart or movement of any kind. I said, “There's no heartbeat, is there?” She didn't answer. She just said she'd get my Dr. to come have a look. While she was out of the room, I looked up at the nurse and said, “She's gone, I know she's gone, I know what a beating heart looks like, and it wasn't there.” My Dr. came in and confirmed what I already knew, he said, “There's no heartbeat, I'm sorry.” I just teared up, no loud crying, I was so shocked and numb. He said we would need to decide what to do, A repeat C-Section or proceed with the induction I had planned to have a VBAC. I told him, I would need to talk to Jon.

I called Jon, my daughter answered the phone, I told her I need daddy. Jon got on the phone and I just sobbed, “Jon, she's gone, there is no heartbeat, she died!” He cried, “No!!!!” I was hysterical at that point. We had to make arrangements for him to get up to the hospital because we didn't want to have 2 cars there. We called friends of ours to pick him up and bring him. I called my grandma and my mom and told them. I just cried and cried. This just wasn't supposed to happen.

My family started to arrive. It took some time before Jon was able to get there. Finally he arrived and we decided to proceed with the induction. I didn't want to have another C-Section and have to recover from that as well as mourn the loss of my little girl. I also did not want to be numb from the spinal during the precious moments following her birth that we could hold her. I also did not want to close the door to having a VBAC for any future babies should we be blessed with another child.

I asked the nurses about the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which is a photography company of volunteers that come and take pictures of babies that have passed or are expected to very shortly after birth. We got in touch with one and she agreed to come once Stephanie was delivered.

The induction process began. My Dr. placed a double foley bulb into my cervix to stretch it open to 4 cm. Once that happens, it falls out. He also started Pitocin at a very low dose. They offered me an epidural right away but I said I didn't want one, I wanted to feel this. I needed to feel this. I was being robbed of raising her and didn't want to be robbed of the birth I had been planning. Jon was going through his contacts in his phone and said the name of a friend (Liz)who has had the misfortune of a stillborn baby. I immediately called her. No answer, so I left a message. A friend of ours came up to the hospital to bring us dinner. Liz called me back while the other friend was visiting, so I told her I would call her back. She called again around 11:30 just as the other friend was leaving and she just comforted me. She walked me through this tragedy. She offered to get me some molds for Stephanie's hands and feet. I took her up on the offer. She told me she'd bring them in the morning. The foley bulb fell out around 2:30 in the morning. They slowly upped my Pitocin and the contractions became noticeable, some of them painful, some not. I tried to sleep, I was given Ambien, but just couldn't. Throughout the day on the 16^th, we had some visitors. Liz came with the molds (she brought 4 of them, one for each hand and one for each foot) and also brought a few other things to help make our special memories. She brought a blanket for each one of our girls to hold Stephanie in, so they would each have a special item (so thoughtful!). Also a journal and a picture book.

I began having chest pain and my heart rate was high, which worried the Doctors, so they started running tests to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack. Thankfully, all those tests were normal. Around 4:00, they broke my water. Thankfully Stephanie didn't turn sideways because if that had happened, I would have had to have a C-Section.

By 6:00, the contractions crossed the line of I need to feel this, to torture, so I then requested an epidural. It seemed like forever for the anesthesiologist to get there. Then it took 4 attempts to get it in. I've never had trouble getting an epidural before. It was awful. But then when it took it was such sweet relief. I laid there so peacefully. Dosing off at times, I think, because I was so exhausted. My Dr. checked me around 8 and Stephanie had moved down some. My Dr. said, “We are going to do this” or something along those lines which gave me hope that I would get my VBAC. I talked to my friend who was going to bring our girls up to the hospital. She was trying to talk me out of it because it was getting late. I said, “You don't understand, they have to be here right away, she's not going to last until morning.” She agreed that she would bring them no matter what.

At 9:00, I was checked again but hadn't really progressed in that hour. My Dr. had me try pushing and she would come down but go back up. My Dr. said he thought we were going to need to use forceps in order to make this happen. I reluctantly agreed but was terrified that she would be pulled apart. They put in the foley catheter to drain my bladder and left the room. I felt like I had to push. I think it was my momma instinct kicking in to avoid the forceps. Soon I felt the urge to push and just pushed with all I had even though I was laying flat on my back from getting the catheter. Jon looked and saw her head and went running out to get the Dr. and nurse, I continued pushing and it burned so bad. They all came running back in the room and I begged them to pull her out. I cried, “Pull her out, pull her out it burns so bad just pull her out!” I continued pushing and finally got past her shoulders and she gently came the rest of the way out. They laid her at the end of my bed and quickly determined what caused her death. It was a tight knot in her cord. They laid her on me and she was so perfect. She looked just like Samantha, which I wanted so badly. I just looked down at her and said, “You are so precious and so beautiful.”

We weighed her, she was 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches of too perfect for earth. She was bathed and dressed by the nurse. I had wanted to bath her but changed my mind when I realized how limp she was.

We called to have the kids brought up and contacted the photographer. Soon family and a couple of friends filled the room. We had to move quickly because she started deteriorating quickly. I wouldn't let the girls hold her until the photographer came because I was afraid they wouldn't want to again. Once the photographer got there we started with the oldest and worked our way down to the youngest, pausing to wrap her in each of the special blankets. Samantha was too young to hold her, she was so much more fragile than a living newborn, so I just held my two babies on my lap for pictures. We had everyone leave the room so we could get some special pictures. I wanted a skin to skin picture, the nurse undressed Stephanie and I dropped my gown and just felt my baby on me. I felt something dripping down me, it kind of felt like my milk was dripping but it was something dripping from her. At that point we realized time was not on our side. We let each of the girls hold her one more time for just a few minutes. Then we had our alone time with her. The nurses wanted me up to evaluate my bleeding and to shower. Jon held her during that time. Then I held her while Jon showered. I didn't even want to look at her at that point, I just wanted to feel her.

Then it came time that we realized it was no longer benefiting us having her in our room. So I looked down at her and said, “Goodbye my angel princess. I will see you in Heaven. And until then, I will await eagerly for that day. I love you and I will never forget you.” And then I kissed her head and handed her to Jon. Jon placed her in her bassinet on the other side of the curtain and we called the nurse to take her. She offered to get the molds of her hands and feet for us and we opted to have that done after she took her away. We figured she may have to be maneuvered in ways we wouldn't want to see.

Spending the night in that room was so hard. I didn't get much sleep. I woke up at 6:30 having a panic attack. I had to get out of there! They worked to get me discharged and I signed the papers at 8:30. It was so hard to leave the hospital without her! Rather than being wheeled out holding my baby, I was holding flowers that were dying and petals were blowing off as I was wheeled down the hallway.