1 year since we said goodbye...What a difference a year makes!

My sweet Stephanie ♥

Wow!  How has it been a year, since you left us?  In some ways, it seems forever ago and other ways, especially today, it seems like yesterday.  I want to share something profound and impactful but today, I'm just sad.  Not for what you missed out on, for you, my sweet girl, are the lucky one.  I'm sad because until we are reunited in Heaven, our family is incomplete without you.  You are very much a part of our lives, just not the way we thought you would be.  Your short life has impacted so many people!  The outpouring of love and support from friends and family and those we've not even met in real life is overwhelming in an amazing way.  We miss you our little ladybug.  We can't wait to see you and can't wait to hold you.  Jason and Julianna, filled our aching empty arms, but no one will fill the void in our hearts.  That spot is reserved just for you.  You are forever a part of our family, that will never change.  There's a saying that goes...It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I wasn't so sure that was true a year ago because it hurt so bad but I finally can say that it's true.  We are all better because of how God used you to change our lives.

Love,

Mommy ♥

I would never have imagined our life like this, one year ago.  I truly felt life as we knew it was over and often wanted it to be in those first couple of months.  I hope so much that we have been a testament to God's faithfulness and continue to be in the years to come.  I hope that God will continue to use Stephanie's story and the story of the twins and whatever else He has for us, good and bad, to impact lives for Him and that they will come to know Him as their personal Savior.  I think God is going to use us in BIG ways and even greater ways than we've seen this year.  Just yesterday, I was contacted by an old friend, a pastors wife, asking for insight for her husband who must take on the unenviable task of officiating a funeral for another full term baby lost.  What an honor to be able to help in that way.  I wish for that family that they didn't have to endure this pain but am honored to help.  Unfortunately, babies will die, and for reasons we won't ever understand, because we live in a sin cursed world.  God will use whatever means he sees necessary to bring people to Him.  If your life has been changed in that way due to the story of Stephanie and how God is working in our lives, we are honored to have been used.  We are thankful for the changes in our own lives, drawing us closer to God.  We will always wish it could have been accomplished some other way, but God's way is perfect.  It's been a wild ride but we are just clinging to our faith and know that God will continue to be with us, guiding us through all of the ups and downs and twists and turns of life.

The Birth Story of the twins!

Birth Story of Jason and Julianna

We arrived at the hospital on July 3, at 7:00am, though apparently, this was not the correct time. My Dr. intended to wait until 3:00 to begin Pitocin so that he could be there when I delivered. So we got settled and just waited. I contracted on my own off and on but they didn't do anything to cause changes to my cervix. Jason's head was still pretty high -3 or -4 depending on who checked. As planned the Pitocin was hooked up at 3:00 and it wasn't long until I felt the contractions consistently. This was to be a VBAC so it had to be done carefully and slowly. The pitocin was bumped up every 30-60 minutes. After about 3 hours I the contractions were pretty uncomfortable. I felt like a total wimp considering an epidural that quickly (I lasted 23 hours unmedicated with Stephanie) but they were really starting to hurt and I decided that I had nothing to prove so I went ahead and requested it. (If you are reading this and were able to do it unmedicated, I don't mean to suggest that you somehow did have something to prove but at that point, I couldn't think of one reason to not get it or to wait on it. It was not forced but my Dr. highly suggested it in case of emergency during delivery.) My Doctor was going to be breaking my water and hour or so later and the last time he did that with the baby high up still, her arm came out and had to be pushed in and I had no epidural that time and it was excruciatingly painful. So I got the epidural...sweet relief!!! It was shift change time and our nurse Lisa had to go but Melissa took over. Melissa happened to be a mom of twins as well (a few of our nurses during our stay were twin moms). Melissa also shared a common faith and once we had discovered that, she prayed with us concerning the delivery and we really appreciated that. My Doctor broke my water around 7:30 or 8:00. And then we just waited. I began feeling the contractions again around 9:30 or 10:00 but they were more uncomfortable than anything and it was right at my cervix that they hurt. We continued to wait. As it approached midnight, I was determined to hold off until then because I had hoped they'd be born on the 4^th of July. I wouldn't have chosen that birthday for them, my Doctor did and at that point I thought it would be a shame if they were born just shy of midnight. Or I figured, leave it to me, to have one twin on the 3^rd and the other on the 4^th. Midnight finally hit. Prior to that I was in no hurry. I was stuck at 6 cm for the longest time and Jason hadn't moved down really at all. I asked the nurse if there was any positions that would maybe help things along and she suggested rolling on my right side. I did that but Jason did not like that one bit. His heart rate dropped. (That was scary) I rolled over to my back. His heart rate came back up. Then tried rolling to the left. He didn't care much for that either (scary again). I was asked if I felt pressure, at that point it wasn't extreme but yes I felt like I was getting there. The resident checked me and said, it's time to move to the back (the OR). They rushed me off. Jon was left wondering what he was supposed to do and if he was going to miss the delivery. I felt bad for him. Thankfully one of the other nurses noticed and took charge of getting him some scrubs and back to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to transfer to the OR table. I then was waiting for them to get everything prepared for just about any situation that could arise. Waiting to push is torture. I kinda pushed anyway but I swear they had me on an incline (head down slightly) to make it so I couldn't push against gravity. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it made me crazy. Finally, they were ready for me to push. I felt like I had lost my “mojo” at that point, but began to push. I haven't had to count to push since my first delivery, but did this time. I'd guess I pushed for 10 minutes or less and then I heard the most beautiful sound...Jason's first cry! He was taken directly over to the warmer to me checked out and so my Dr. could proceed with making sure all was well with Julianna. He had to check her presentation. And by that I mean he had his entire hand in my uterus. (REALLY glad I got the epidural before enduring that.) I was trying to push thinking it was Julianna coming out but it was his arm going in. It was then determined that she was head down and I began pushing her out. Then just 9 minutes after Jason was born, I heard her first cry...music to my ears. She was also whisked away to the warmer to be checked out. My work wasn't quite done yet. Still had the placentas. I felt them coming out and pushed. It took more effort than I recall in the past. They actually came out together. Later I found out that they had fused together. A big gush of blood followed, which seemed to temporarily alarm my Doctor though after that initial blood gush all was well. I hated not seeing and feeling my babies but wow, what I had just done was amazing. I transferred back to my bed and was handed my two precious babies. What a moment that was! I was then wheeled back to my room with my double rainbow blessings.