God is working on me big time and it is so painful that it is like having surgery without anesthesia. I've been experiencing times of severe unrest in my soul. I've never experienced this before. God is revealing what a sinner I truly am (we all are). I've been so oblivious to this. Not that I didn't think I sinned I was just completely unaware of it. He is also trying to show me how much He loves me. I don't know how I could have missed these things. The battle comes when Satan tries to take advantage of my compromised emotions and beats me while I'm down. He tries to make me doubt all I have been taught and know about God. He tries to tell me God is not good and doesn't love me, how could a good God, a God who loves me, take my baby? He tries to put fear in me that I am not truly saved and will not see Stephanie again. I know these are lies and when I am strong it's easier for me to resist the temptation to believe the lies but the moments of weakness are a completely different experience.
So, I need to focus on truth, as a wise friend, who has experienced a huge loss in her life told me just days after Stephanie died. It was also in a great book that I just read. The book is called "The only way you are reading this, is if I am gone." By Carrie Bolesky. Carrie's 16 year old son died in a car accident 2 years ago. Though our circumstances are different, it's amazing how many of the emotions and thoughts are similar.
God has been speaking to me. Songs I haven't heard in years are in my thoughts. I am recalling verses. Friends are sharing scripture with me. On a particularly difficult day the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) flooded my mind. Earlier this week I woke up with the song Love that will not let me go By: Steve Camp in my head and then on the same day; read an email from a dear friend sharing the following passage:
Isaiah 49:13-16
13 Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
14 But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
The commentary in the NIV study Bible I am using discusses these verses:
" 'The Lord has forsaken me.' These are the words of the Israelites, who experienced great adversity and thus felt abandoned and forgotten by God. God's response gives divine assurance to any believer going through trying times. (1) His love for us is greater than the natural affection of a loving mother for her children; it is therefore unthinkable that he will ever forget us, especially in our times of despair and grief. (2) His compassion for us will never fail, regardless of life's circumstances; he watches over us with great tenderness and love, and we may rest in the conviction that he will never leave us. (3) The evidence of God's great love is that he has engraved us on the palms of his own hands, so that he can never forget us; the scars in his hands are always before his eyes as a reminder of the great love he has showered on us and of his desire to care for us."
I am also taking a class at church studying the book "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The book is all about How much God loves us and why. And how we forget who He really is and who we are in Him.
So, I am focusing on TRUTH! Truth found in scripture, Truth about what happened. I am learning about how much God loves me and gaining a new appreciation for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me (and all who believe). I am praying for God to help me believe these truths clearly and that it will penetrate my soul. I am spending time in the Word. I am praying that His desires will become my desires.
I am, at least for today, choosing to move forward instead of dwelling on what has happened. I am coming to terms with the realization that moving on in no way means I have forgotten my sweet Stephanie. It doesn't mean that she isn't important to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I won't have a bad day now and then. Staying in a state of sadness isn't going to bring her back. I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could. She would not want me to be sad all the time. I need to heal so that Jon has his wife back. I need to heal so I can fully be here for Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria and Samantha. I need to heal so that if God chooses to bless us with another child, I will be healthy enough to handle it, both emotionally and physically. I need to heal so that God can use me to shine for Him. To help others going through the loss of a child. There will come a day when I see Stephanie again and that time, it will be forever!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Longing for Heaven
A quote from stillbirthday.com by Heidi Faith (I don't know if that is her real name so I don't entirely know who to credit for this but these are not my original words, it made so much sense to me. I am just waiting for my brain to tell my heart.)
"I miss you, baby C. (Stephanie) I miss you so much. It is impossible to run back to you. So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "
"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow. As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
--------
I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon. I really have to do both. Neither is optional really. I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me. They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word. But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly. I cannot deny that. When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to. I will miss all of her firsts. If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.
I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief. Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back. That is a fact. However, I still can't believe that this has happened. It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change. She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly. I don't understand the grief process. There doesn't seem to be a set normal. The only normal is that it takes time. And that length of time varies significantly from person to person. You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different. Atleast mine does. I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with. I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am. I'm just angry with the situation. Angry that Jon and I have to go through this. Angry that my kids have to go through this.
I long for Heaven in a way I never have. It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there. Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too. The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned. It's never been that way for me. I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up... As if I had some control over it. But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it. I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living. However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven. Especially those I am closest to.
Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one. Something I am reminding myself daily.
Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul. I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.
"I miss you, baby C. (Stephanie) I miss you so much. It is impossible to run back to you. So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "
"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow. As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
--------
I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon. I really have to do both. Neither is optional really. I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me. They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word. But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly. I cannot deny that. When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to. I will miss all of her firsts. If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.
I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief. Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back. That is a fact. However, I still can't believe that this has happened. It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change. She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly. I don't understand the grief process. There doesn't seem to be a set normal. The only normal is that it takes time. And that length of time varies significantly from person to person. You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different. Atleast mine does. I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with. I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am. I'm just angry with the situation. Angry that Jon and I have to go through this. Angry that my kids have to go through this.
I long for Heaven in a way I never have. It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there. Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too. The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned. It's never been that way for me. I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up... As if I had some control over it. But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it. I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living. However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven. Especially those I am closest to.
Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one. Something I am reminding myself daily.
Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul. I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Anywhere but here....
Oh to be content with my life... This is the secret I am hoping to discover within the pages of the book "One Thousand Gifts" by AnnVoskamp and the Bible of course. But right now if life had a remote with a rewind or a fast forward button, I would press one of them in a heartbeat. Most likely I would choose the fast forward button because the rewind would cause me to go through this all over again. I just want to be past this intensely painful part of my life. But, unfortunately there is no such remote. In addition to that I would miss out on all of the spiritual growth going through this sort of thing causes. However this growth comes with the most excrutiating growing pains.
I have had a few "good" days in between the bad ones. It seems I am just led to post something on the days that are particularily difficult. I am continuing to find comfort in music and scripture as well. Oh how I wish I could feel the arms of Christ surrounding me. I know they are there and I guess I feel them to an extent, because I truly believe that is the only way I am able to breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other each day. Though some days those efforts are so painful. But I want to really feel them like the words of the Kari Jobe song, The More I seek You say "I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat"
Yesterday, I had another "visit" from a ladybug. I know some believe that these visits are their loved one coming for a visit. I don't believe that Stephanie is the ladybug. If you do, please don't be offended, I just don't. But I do think there is some significance to these visits. I don't know if God sends them, or Stephanie asks Him to, or if it's some other reason other than pure coincidence.
I am so blessed by others who mention Stephanie. To hear others use her name is a gift to me. It reminds me that she has touched so many hearts even though she never even took a breath on this Earth.
I have had a few "good" days in between the bad ones. It seems I am just led to post something on the days that are particularily difficult. I am continuing to find comfort in music and scripture as well. Oh how I wish I could feel the arms of Christ surrounding me. I know they are there and I guess I feel them to an extent, because I truly believe that is the only way I am able to breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other each day. Though some days those efforts are so painful. But I want to really feel them like the words of the Kari Jobe song, The More I seek You say "I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat"
Yesterday, I had another "visit" from a ladybug. I know some believe that these visits are their loved one coming for a visit. I don't believe that Stephanie is the ladybug. If you do, please don't be offended, I just don't. But I do think there is some significance to these visits. I don't know if God sends them, or Stephanie asks Him to, or if it's some other reason other than pure coincidence.
I am so blessed by others who mention Stephanie. To hear others use her name is a gift to me. It reminds me that she has touched so many hearts even though she never even took a breath on this Earth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)