Great is Thy Faithfulness

♥ I am grateful for who I've become since "losing" Stephanie (for the record, I know she is not lost, I know right where she is)  It is a path I never would have chosen but one I'm grateful for none-the-less.  There's a poem that circulates among the bereaved parents community called "The Ugly Pair of Shoes"http://www.ivillage.com/forums/node/4161067
Though "My Shoes" still ache from time to time, I no longer see them as ugly.  Because of this, I feel different than my fellow bereaved mommy's.  I wonder if I may be less helpful too them because they may not be able to relate.  Or will it be inspiring, to see that God can heal a broken heart faster than anticipated.   Perhaps I no longer see "Ugly Shoes" because God makes ALL things beautiful in His time.  His time for you may be longer or shorter than it was for me.
I do really well most days, sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me because in my mind I think, no normal person can move past the deep grieving as quickly as I did.  However, I have to remind myself that is a LIE from Satan himself.  God graciously granted that healing.  It didn't come from anything I did or didn't do.  But there are moments triggered by songs quotes, pictures and smells that just take me down.  As hard as it can be, I welcome it because they are a reminder that I am indeed human.  Those tears and pain help me feel the bond we still have.  A bond that not even death can break.  Grief tends to be judged.  Some feel you grieve too long.  Some see you happy and think, "Wow! She got over that fast." I post many things on Facebook about grief.  Most of the time it is not a reflection of my emotions at the time.  I have many Facebook friends each of them going through a variety of different trials at any given time.  I am very sensitive to that.  I empathize with so many.  One of my spiritual gifts is that I'm an encourager.

I hope I've made it clear that my healing is not of my own doing.  I give all that Glory to God.  It is by His grace alone that I am who I am. I've recently heard the song "Beautiful" by Dan Bremnes.  I think it describes my healing so well.  I love the following lines to the song...

"And You
Changed me from what I used to be
Opened my eyes 
Now I can see
You're making this life so beautiful
And You 
Making me who I'm called to be
Rescued my heart 
Now I am free
You're making this life so beautiful
So beautiful"

It has been too long...

It has been so long since I updated this.  Most of you keep up with me on Facebook so I kind of let this go because we have been so busy.  We moved our family in early June and spent most of May (and June really) packing.  We've been trying to get settled in our new home since.  We've had to find a new church and new places to shop.  Nothing is close by.  Life is crazy.  The older kids have started school so I have a little extra time during naptime to get back to blogging.  I am still working on my Doula class.  I've finished the training part and am now working on the book reports and project that need to be completed in order to be credentialed.  I have had the honor of helping a few families online through the loss of their babies.  It truly is an honor.  I am looking forward to getting credentialed so that I can minister to more families.

Today is the 16th, which means it's 26 months since Stephanie was born.  Surprisingly, the last couple of months (August and September) the 15th and 16th have come and gone with little to no emotion.  It does still creep up randomly, regardless of the date, and is triggered by unexpected things (one of which is the smell of freshly laid blacktop, because our street was resurfaced the week that she died).  There is not one day that passes that I don't think of her at some point.  Often many points.  Usually without tears.  She is thought about, she is talked about.  She is not forgotten.  We don't dwell in the sadness.  For us, she is part of our forever family and we treat her as such.  Our girls are tender hearted and well adjusted.  They have experienced something that no child should have to.  But they are not damaged.  They are great!

Until today, I hadn't been inspired to write much.  I share a lot of brief thoughts and encouraging posts on Facebook, but just didn't have anything meaningful enough to write about.  I'm hoping to do better about that.  So until next time...

Helping others...

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction.

This past week, I had the honor of doing just that.  I was able to help another grieving family.  The first time (in real life, not online) since losing Stephanie.  Out of respect for the family,  I will not be sharing the details but I had the priveledge of holding their precious child who's spirit was already resting safe in the arms of Jesus.  I was able to share some of the things that helped me and assure them that the Lord would bring them through this, just as He has for me and my family.   I was also able to pray with them and a couple others from my church. It was hard, but to be able to empathize with someone in a way that few people can is truly an honor.  Lord willing, I intend to go through the training to become certified as a Stillbirthday Birth & Bereavement Doula.   I will then be able to have the resources to help more.  I am swamped with the twins at the moment but when things settle down a bit, I really want to pursue this.  I have experience in something I wish I didn't,  but I'm going to use it for God's glory.  It is also a positive way to keep Stephanie's memory alive.

18 long months

18 months is a long time to not see one of your loved ones.  But that's exactly how long it has been.  Today marks 18 months since Stephanie's birth.  I had a good cry tonight, a much over due one.  I've felt on edge all day and then it hit me, today is the 16th.  I wish I had more to say but today im just sad.  Overwhelmed by the 7 blessings I have on Earth and missing the one I have in Heaven.   My days are full of feeding and changing babies.  A lot of No's and I don't want to's from a toddler.  A school aged child who is constantly causing trouble and not enough Mommy to go around.   Please know, I'm not complaining really.  I'm just in an overwhelming season.   God is getting me through daily.  Im so glad He fills the gaps of the areas where I fail (which are many).  Each one of my children are here because God allowed them to be and I am grateful! 

Recently a friend posted about it being the anniversary of his Dad's passing.   He was rejoicing that his dad is with the Lord and though he misses him, he does not wish him back.  This was my comment to his post... If I had been enlightened as to what was going to happen with Stephanie,  and was given the choice to allow it or stop it, I would have stopped it with all that I have in me.  Not knowing the reason God chose this of course.  However,  even if given the choice once it had happened,  I too would not wish her back.  I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could.  I do wish the rest of us there though.  Not in a morbid way, but in a longing for home sort of way.