BIG NEWS and a Farewell to 2012

First off, I've shared on Facebook and CafeMom. but some of you may not have heard.  On Thursday December 27th, at a routine OB appointment, it was discovered that we are having TWINS!!!  We couldn't believe our eyes or our ears.  I've already had an ultrasound but somehow the 2nd one was hiding.  I've honestly never really hoped or wished for twins, but I've been saying since before we even conceived that we'd probably have twin boys if we "tried" again (thinking that would be the ultimate display of God's sense of humor) .  We do not know their genders yet and won't for a couple of monts.  At the first ultrasound, though I've never wished for twins, I was a little disappointed  but mostly relieved.  Our girls were disappointed that it wasn't twins.  So imagine all of our surprise (Jon and the girls came to my appointment that day) to find out God had indeed BLESSED us with TWINS!!!  This does, however, explain a lot.  I typically do not gain weight when pregnant but have gained some weight.  I am showing quite a bit, but explained that away as being my 7th pregnancy in only 10 years, and the last few had been very close together.  I've also been extremely hungry.  I have a special diet to follow when I am pregnant and have been able to stick to it for the most part but the last couple of months, not so much.  One other thing is the EXTREME fatigue.  I know I have my hands full, but the exhaustion I've felt is like I've never felt before.  So we are thrilled though overwhelmed.  We know God will supply ALL of our needs.  Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.

Now to bid adieu to 2012.  Full of inexpressible pain in the death of Stephanie, but also tremendous spiritual growth.  I would have given anything to have grown through some other trial.  However, God had other plans.  I would never have expected to live through losing a child.  I so didn't want to.  Each day when I woke up I was disappointed that I had.  However, God began working in me.  He used His people to walk me through this.  I was told to FOCUS ON THE TRUTH!  I was told I AM NOT A VICTIM!  I AM NOT THE MOTHER OF A DEAD BABY!  I AM A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST!!! I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!!  HE LOVES ME!!  It was hard to hear some of these things but over time, I started to believe them.  For a while I was in bondage to my emotions.  I had to let go.  I had to let God do His work in me and stop fighting it, if I ever wanted to feel normal again.  I had to realize that this didn't mean I was okay with Stephanie dying.  Honestly, it really doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not.   I could no longer try to express my love for her in my grief.  I think bereaved parents do that.  We have no other way to express our love so we feel we must grieve hard and long to prove our love.  Perhaps this is an assumption, but I think that is what I was trying to do at first.  I still miss her with all of my heart and long for the day that we are reunited.   Not a day goes by that I don't think of her several times.   I still have a lot of growing to do.  God is nowhere near done with me.  But, I am no longer just surviving.  I am living again!  I am stronger!  In every aspect of my being.  With God, I can do anything!

So that said, I am glad 2012 is over.  I am looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  However, I am trying to just be content in the moment.  Not dwelling on the past or putting too much hope in the future.  My hope is in the LORD!

Our Christmas Letter and Picture

To all of our dear family and friends:

 

As many of you are aware, this year has been full of both ups and downs for us. In February of this year, we moved from the basement we had lived in for two years, to a home in Roseville. Though we miss our family, that we were living with, living above ground has improved both our moods and our overall health.

In March, we learned that our 6^th blessing, due July 26, 2012 was to be a girl! We were very excited to be welcoming her to our family. At that time we decided her name was to be Stephanie Ruth.

In May, Jon and I celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss! Towards the end of May, I was put on a modified bed rest due to Pre-Eclampsia. Many of our church family pitched in to help us with meals and cleaning. We are so grateful for that!

July is the month where our lives were forever changed. (This is the abbreviated version, to view the full story, read the archives on this blog) On Sunday, July 15, I woke up after having a dream about Jon's mom (whose name is Mary Joanna, she passed away 3/2011). This dream prompted me to suggest changing Stephanie's middle name to Joanna. I laid in bed feeling her move that morning. Later in the day, I realized I hadn't felt her move in quite awhile. After laying down and still not feeling anything, I headed to the hospital and my worst fears were confirmed, Stephanie's heart stopped beating. After 26 hours of induced labor, Stephanie's lifeless body was delivered. The girls came up to the hospital to see the sister they had been waiting for. They all got to hold her. Pictures were taken by a volunteer photographer from the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We ultimately decided to change her middle name to Joanna, believing there was some sort of significance to the dream I had that morning. A Memorial Service was planned for the following Saturday. We spent that first week planning the service.

The next few months are a bit of a blur. There were many hard days. A lot of sadness. However, through this situation, it has become abundantly clear how much God loves His children. We have been comforted in ways we never expected and quicker than we ever thought possible. The scriptures have been a comfort. We now have a greater understanding of them, especially the verses about comfort, suffering and the unending Love of God. Christian Music was a huge comfort especially in those early days, when picking up the Bible was just too much to bear. God has used His people, who have been through the pain of a life changing loss, to comfort us through this time. Many would speak the TRUTH in LOVE. Though sometimes that was hard to hear, looking back, that is one of the things that helped the most. Our church family also began a prayer schedule where people signed up for blocks of time to spend specifically in prayer for us, 24 hours a day for 6 weeks! What a blessing this was! God also used books written by Mothers who've also lost a child. Reading about their grief validated the things I was feeling and helped me realize that the thoughts and doubts were common. It also helped me realize that whether your child died inside of your womb, shortly after birth or many years later, the pain is the same, though the circumstances are different. We also found a support group called Friends Supporting Parents, which has been a great help, for which we are thankful for. Jon and I (and the girls) are forever changed by this experience and though we would have never chosen to walk this road, we are on it and chose to turn our grief into gratitude and grow. We realized we can either let it ruin us or we can allow God to work through us, and be a part of making positive changes in the lives of those who hear Stephanie's story.

That brings us to October. Jon and I went away to a Marriage Seminar called a Weekend to Remember in Columbus, OH. The registration was gifted to us after Family Life heard about the loss of Stephanie. We were both enlightened that perhaps one day, we could become a part of the Family Life Staff. Just two years prior, I had not wanted any part of that and thought Jon was crazy for even suggesting it. Oh how a couple of years can change things. We would love to be a part of a ministry committed to strengthening families. I am also passionate about helping families who are grieving the loss of a child, particularly through Stillbirth. I am currently exploring different ways to do that in the future, realizing that now may not be the best time to pursue that. Especially since we came home from Columbus with a souvenir ;-) We found out a couple of weeks later that we are expecting our 7^th blessing! This baby's due date is 7/25/13, just one day before Stephanie was due last year. We don't believe there is any coincidence about that. We fully believe God had this all planned out. We continue to trust that His will, will be accomplished, though we pray daily that He would be pleased to allow this baby to grow to term and be born into this world alive.

The girls have done really well with this. We've involved them in all of it. We've answered their questions and they are quick to correct anyone that suggests that we have just 5 children. Stephanie is FOREVER a part of our family!

This week (12/10), began a new change for them. They began attending public school. It became clear to us that, at least for now, Home schooling is not the best option for our family. Rebekah and Abigail are adjusting well. Rachel loves her teacher but is struggling with the changes. She is a very sensitive young lady, so dealing with kids who aren't so nice is a struggle. We realize this is something she'll have to deal with all of her life, but it's hard to “throw her to the wolves” at such an emotional time in her life. I'm enjoying special time with Alexandria and Samantha, while the big girls are at school.

With Love,

The Schmaltz Family ♥

 

Jon & Sara
Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria
Samantha & Stephanie (forever in our hearts)
& Lord willing, our 7th blessing, due 7/25/13