First off, I've shared on Facebook and CafeMom. but some of you may not have heard. On Thursday December 27th, at a routine OB appointment, it was discovered that we are having TWINS!!! We couldn't believe our eyes or our ears. I've already had an ultrasound but somehow the 2nd one was hiding. I've honestly never really hoped or wished for twins, but I've been saying since before we even conceived that we'd probably have twin boys if we "tried" again (thinking that would be the ultimate display of God's sense of humor) . We do not know their genders yet and won't for a couple of monts. At the first ultrasound, though I've never wished for twins, I was a little disappointed but mostly relieved. Our girls were disappointed that it wasn't twins. So imagine all of our surprise (Jon and the girls came to my appointment that day) to find out God had indeed BLESSED us with TWINS!!! This does, however, explain a lot. I typically do not gain weight when pregnant but have gained some weight. I am showing quite a bit, but explained that away as being my 7th pregnancy in only 10 years, and the last few had been very close together. I've also been extremely hungry. I have a special diet to follow when I am pregnant and have been able to stick to it for the most part but the last couple of months, not so much. One other thing is the EXTREME fatigue. I know I have my hands full, but the exhaustion I've felt is like I've never felt before. So we are thrilled though overwhelmed. We know God will supply ALL of our needs. Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.
Now to bid adieu to 2012. Full of inexpressible pain in the death of Stephanie, but also tremendous spiritual growth. I would have given anything to have grown through some other trial. However, God had other plans. I would never have expected to live through losing a child. I so didn't want to. Each day when I woke up I was disappointed that I had. However, God began working in me. He used His people to walk me through this. I was told to FOCUS ON THE TRUTH! I was told I AM NOT A VICTIM! I AM NOT THE MOTHER OF A DEAD BABY! I AM A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST!!! I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!! HE LOVES ME!! It was hard to hear some of these things but over time, I started to believe them. For a while I was in bondage to my emotions. I had to let go. I had to let God do His work in me and stop fighting it, if I ever wanted to feel normal again. I had to realize that this didn't mean I was okay with Stephanie dying. Honestly, it really doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not. I could no longer try to express my love for her in my grief. I think bereaved parents do that. We have no other way to express our love so we feel we must grieve hard and long to prove our love. Perhaps this is an assumption, but I think that is what I was trying to do at first. I still miss her with all of my heart and long for the day that we are reunited. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her several times. I still have a lot of growing to do. God is nowhere near done with me. But, I am no longer just surviving. I am living again! I am stronger! In every aspect of my being. With God, I can do anything!
So that said, I am glad 2012 is over. I am looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2013. However, I am trying to just be content in the moment. Not dwelling on the past or putting too much hope in the future. My hope is in the LORD!
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