Do you all remember this song we used to sing in Sunday School?
The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
But the house on the Rock stood firm.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
And the house on the sand fell flat.
So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
The blessings come down as your prayers go up,
The blessings come down as your prayers go up,
The blessings come down as your prayers go up,
So build your life on the Lord.
So, I always knew this song was more than a song about Construction. I knew it was based on Scripture. I knew it referred to Jesus as being the Rock. Somehow for 35+ years, I missed the point of what the rain and floods and wind really meant. It was probably explained to me, on many occasions, as a little girl growing up at Bethany Baptist Church. Perhaps it's because I did not understand how severe and damaging the storms of life can be.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy home, by the standards of many, I was poor. None of this occurred to me as a kid. I did not feel poor. Perhaps that is because by God's standards, I was very rich. I had the things that mattered. I had love. I had food in my belly and clothes on my back. I had a home to keep me warm. My parents took me to church every Sunday where I was greeted by my amazing Grandparents and my amazing church family. They, along with my parents, planted a seed in my life and continued watering it through the years. The things I did not have, did not matter because they were pale in comparison to what I did have.
Growing up, I had never lost a close family member. I never went to bed cold or hungry. I knew I was loved. I knew Jesus loved me. What more could a kid ask for?
During my teen years, things changed a bit. My parents ended up divorcing when I was 13. That was very hard. However, my mom told us that God told her that my Dad would be back. In hindsight it was probably not wise to share that with me, but I believed it. Four years later, my Dad did, in fact, come back and they were remarried. What an amazing thing to witness! During those 4 years, God did something else amazing. My dad was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. With treatment, he went into remission. My parents remarried in April of 1994. In 1998, my Dad's cancer returned. We were devastated. Once again though, God allowed healing and 17 years later, He is in remission. He has some serious complications he lives with daily due to the aggressive nature of his treatment but each day he is here, we not only receive the benefit of having him with us, we get to witness a miracle.
Through all of this God was a steady presence in my life, but sadly not as great of a priority as he should have been. For some reason He chose to prove Himself faithful, even when I was not. Fast forward to married life. The time in my life, I was looking so forward to. The time when I would be loved by the man that God hand picked for me. The time in my life when I would (hopefully) become a mommy.
Jon and I met online, which at the time, was a little more unusual than it is now. He lived not far from where I was working at the time. On September 14, 2001, he called me and said he would be at a nearby bowling alley and wondered if I'd like to meet him earlier than what we planned (at church Sunday September 16). I agreed and headed off to the bowling alley. He was there with some friends, one of which was interested in him as more than a friend. That was a tad awkward, to say the least. I left unsure of how things went but a couple of hours later, he called me and we talked for 2 hours. He met me at church that Sunday and from that day on, we've been together. We got engaged in November. Jon likes to tell people that we booked the hall before he even proposed. Which is technically true, but we had decided we were getting married. He was working out the details of the proposal. We married in May of the following year. We Honeymooned in Toronto. He graduated in June. Found out we were expecting our first baby in June as well. We bought our first house in October. Life was great. In February of the following year, we welcomed our first baby. Life was amazing. I had everything I ever wanted. Life as we knew it was about to change though.
Jon's mom suffered from mental illness. She had lived many years on her own in a city 4+ hours away. She was experiencing several "episodes" where her meds needed to be adjusted while admitted to a hospital and we felt it was best that she come live near us. The hospital social worker, worked with us to make that happen. While we still stand by the decision to do this, we had no idea what we were in for. For seven years, we had the responsibility of making sure she was taken care of. During that time, we welcomed 3 more children and had another on the way when she passed in 2011. Our house got mold and our children were getting sick often. We moved our family into a relatives basement. We experienced more hardship with car troubles, money troubles, flooding into the basement where we were living anytime there was significant rain. During this time we also experienced a difficult time in our marriage. Only a handful of people know the details of this. We'll discuss it if we feel sharing it will benefit another couple, but in general, it's something we prefer to keep private.
Our 5th child was born while we were living there. She was born via C-Section which was difficult for me to accept. We then experienced serious breastfeeding trouble that we fought for 2 months to overcome but were not successful in doing so. I ended up formula feeding, another difficult pill to swallow. (I have nothing against those who formula feed there babies for any reason. It just wasn't what I wanted.) I prayed and prayed that God would allow her to breastfeed. I thought this was a huge trial in my life. If I only knew then what I know now. During this time a friend visited us in our basement abode. While the conditions were not deplorable, they were far from ideal. We were grateful to my family for allowing us to live there for much less than we could have rented elsewhere. Being below ground took it's toll on my mood. God laid a burden on the heart of this visiting friend and she and her husband bought a house and offered to rent it to us at an affordable rate. It was small for such a large family, but it was above ground and didn't flood, and we appreciated it so very much! My mood immediately improved.
Shortly before moving, we discovered we were pregnant with baby #6. While we were a bit anxious that we were expecting again so soon after a C-Section, we were happy that we would be adding another family member. The pregnancy was a little difficult. I had developed pre-eclampsia and was advised to take it easy not too far in to the third trimester. I relied on my older girls, Jon and friends to help with household chores. With meds and rest, my condition actually improved and I started to feel a burden lifted as I approached her due date. I hit 37 weeks and was able to resume more of my activity. I had monitoring twice a week and all seemed well with both me and the baby. We were all ready for her and were just waiting for her to make her appearance.
Here is where we truly discovered how torrential and devastating life's storms can be...On Sunday, July 15, 2012, I woke up after having a startling dream. The dream was of Jon's mom. In the dream she stumbled out of a door and into my arms. She hugged me so tight and I hugged her back. This hug was different than the hugs we exchanged when she was alive. I loved her, but due to the difficult nature of our relationship, I didn't express that love often or as well as I should have. I have much guilt over this and many things I did, thought and said when she was alive, but that is a story for a different time and place. I woke up in tears full of guilt. I remember (or at least think I do) the baby, who we had named Stephanie Ruth, moving. I felt there was significance to this dream and suggested to Jon that we consider changing Stephanie's middle name to his mom's middle name, Joanna. He thought I was just being hormonal. He took the older kids to church and I stayed home with Samantha. She and I drifted off to sleep while watching Dora. He arrived home and we got busy serving lunch and making a grocery list in preparation for the week ahead. An induction was planned for that Thursday. I began to notice, that I had not felt Stephanie move in a while and decided to drink some ice water and lay down to see if I could get her to move. After 20 minutes, I felt nothing. I then drank some orange juice, took a shower and laid down again. Still nothing. I left Jon with the girls and headed to the hospital. After attempting to find her with a Doppler, the ultrasound machine was brought in. I knew the moment I saw the screen she was gone. My doctor came in and confirmed that. I was induced and 26 hours later, the most beautiful piece of Heaven was born. We officially named her Stephanie Joanna. It was a true knot in her umbilical cord that took her life. God placed some special people in my life to help me navigate this storm that left so much devastation.
The week following her death was full of preparations for her Memorial Service. I also made time to meet with the Women's Ministry Director (and Biblical Counselor) of our church along with the church Psychiatrist. The day of her service was incredibly difficult but it was so very beautiful. We felt like we celebrated all of the big events of her life that we were going to miss. The week after her service, the grief hit hard. You would not have recognized me. I continued to meet with the Counselor and Psychiatrist from church. The counselor drilled many things in to me. Some of which was very hard to hear at the time, but I am so very grateful for her boldness now. One thing that really stuck was the parable of the wise man and the foolish man. At the time, I suspected I was the foolish man. I had lived many years as a believer but somehow missed some really important things along the way. Losing a child made me seek the Lord harder than ever before. We had been through many trials in our marriage. We prayed about them but that was about it. I talked the talk, but didn't always walk the walk. Though my House hadn't been maintained properly, looking back, I believe it was indeed built on the Rock because in the end, it did not fall! Some cosmetic repairs need to be done, but I am still standing and I believe that the only reason for that is the Rock in which my House was built.
Three months after Stephanie died, we found out we were expecting again...our rainbow after the storm. Two months later we found out our rainbow was a double rainbow...twins. Pregnancy after loss is a completely different experience. My faith was the only thing that got me through without being a complete nervous wreck. There were times that fear would creep in, but God would quickly replace it with a Truth to battle the fear. On July 4, 2013 our precious twins were born alive and well. We give all the Glory to God. Parenting after a loss is also a different experience. God calms those fears with Truth as well.
So my challenge to you today is to be like the wise man and make sure your faith is built on the Rock so that WHEN the storms of life happen, you will be able to stay standing because your foundation is secure. Read your Bible, study it and spend time in prayer. Surround yourself with friends who share in this conviction and will hold you accountable as a brother or sister in Christ. Encourage them to speak the Truth in love, even when it's hard to hear.
**This post was written on June 19, 2015. 95% of it was done at approximately 10:30 am. At 10:45 am, Jon walked through the door with news that he lost his job. All of our savings, retirement funds and inheritance was gone due to the last 2 years of jobs that just didn't work out for one reason or another. I was amazed that God prompted me to write this just moments before our faith would be stretched again. I believe He wanted me to recall all of the times that He has proven Himself faithful throughout our lives and that this time would be no different.**
