Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven my Angel Princess

To my Angel Princess,

Wow!  I can't believe it's been 3 years.  In some ways it seems much longer than that and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.  We've gotten to the point that most of the time you are remembered with a smile.  Tears creep in from time to time, often when the reality hits that someone is missing from whatever the family is doing.  Occasionally, the overwhelming pain I felt in those first few weeks will hit me like a ton of bricks and that rarely occurs in the times that I expect it to, like your birthday and holidays.  I do welcome those moments though because it is in the pain that I feel closest to you.  I am able to feel that connection in happy times too, it's just not quite as strong.

We went through the box of your things yesterday.  It's amazing the things a bereaved mother hangs on to.  Some things are probably typical, some of your hair, pictures, hospital bracelets, your clothes and blanket with blood on them, all of the sympathy cards from our friends and family, but I kept numerous copies of the songs from your service, the prayer cards, numerous copies of bible verses that were handed out to those who attended your service. Some of the strangest things though have to be the 3 Kleenex with drops of the blood that dripped from your nose and empty "Patient Belonging" bags.  Not to mention the specimen cup with about a teaspoon of your blood that has been in our freezer since.  I held on to empty boxes from the hand/foot molds for almost a year before I could throw them away.

Somehow, I missed writing a blog post for your birthday last year.  We were crazy busy with VBS and by the time things settled, your birthday had passed.  You were thought of and celebrated.  We celebrated you much the way we intend to today.  Joanie is coming and we will enjoy a yummy dinner and a special ladybug cake.  We will release sky lanterns just like last year, watch for them sweet girl.  There is an orange one and a pink one.  Bekah also found some special ladybug fireworks that we will light in your memory tonight. 

I'm sure Heaven is amazing and we long for the day that we are there with you.  That day seems to be getting closer and closer (though could still be years away) as we are seeing things prophesied in Scripture coming to be.  Until that day comes you will be remembered and I will continue my work to help others going through the devastation of infant loss in your memory.  I pray that I've made you and more importantly God "proud" in the way I've lived and loved others through loss since you were promoted to Heaven.  And that I can continue with that boldness when it becomes harder to do so.

I will close for now my sweet little ladybug.  I hope you are celebrating with the children of all of my baby loss friends that I've met these past 3 years (and the few I knew before, of course).  I love you baby doll!

~Mommy ♥