Monday, October 29, 2012
God doesn't always call the equipped, but He will equip the called...
Jon and I attended a marriage conference called Weekend to Remember put on by Family Life. It was a very refreshing time away. It was so nice to just be Jon and Sara for the weekend. We missed our girls but just being alone together for the entire weekend was so amazing! Anyway, God seems to be opening up a new chapter in our lives. It's amazing to see Him doing His work. While at the conference they discussed how we (the attendees) can help. There are many ways. From supporting with prayer or finances to volunteering to help bring a Weekend to Remember event to the area in which you live all the way to joining the support Staff as a Missionary. We are not sure exactly where God is directing but we feel certain that He is calling us into this ministry to help build healthy marriages and families! Crazy you say? Yeah I thought so too when Jon dragged me to those sessions 2 years ago, (I truly thought to myself, "Are you insane, I have absolutely no interest in that!") but after seeing what God has done in the last 15 weeks since Stephanie died, I am more convinced of His abilities to make something out of nothing than I EVER have been. Joining the Staff as a Missionary would require raising support. Surprisingly, that doesn't intimidate me at all. If God is truly directing us that way, He WILL supply the support, I have no doubt what-so-ever! Please pray that we will continue to seek His will in this (and all) areas of our lives and that it will be abundantly clear to us what to pursue.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Moving on = Betrayal???
10/16/2012
After a significant stretch of mostly up days, out of nowhere I was hit with this feeling of guilt and betrayal of Stephanie. I know this is not true, but feel it necessary to share for two reasons. The first because writing it out helps me and the second because it seems to be a common feeling and I wanted to share it for those who find this blog helpful in their own grieving process.
I've mentioned this "guilty" feeling before but it's different this time. Stronger. It goes beyond a feeling of I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment and then back to grieving. It's that there is this feeling like I haven't grieved her long enough, or my love for her is somehow measured by the tears that I cry. This is simply not true. This is one of those lies that Satan uses to try to keep me in the pit. I refuse to allow it. There is no such way to measure love. Here is the Truth to fight that lie...
The only measurement for love I know of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Nowhere does it say anything about how long one should grieve their child and by cutting that "short" of whatever expectation you have for what is normal somehow makes you a bad mom. Nowhere does it say that one must cry "X" amount of tears in order to show your love. This is not to say tears are bad. They are not, but it certainly is no way to measure my love. Love is not a feeling...it is an action. The best way I can show my love for Stephanie is to love others.
---
10/17/2012
Today has been one of those minute by minute days. I had a major cry fest in the shower. I did feel better after so it was probably a good thing. In spite of the struggle, I pushed my way through the day reminding myself of Truth and thanking God for the things I AM thankful for. I went to church tonight even though I did not FEEL like it and as usual was blessed by the message in the book, Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It's amazing how I've missed so many truths about God all of these years. The most important is just how much God loves me. Going through the death of Stephanie left me with so many questions. Though I knew better, I began to think that God was punishing me for something. This book has helped me to remember that God doesn't work that way. If you are reading this and wonder, does God even care? I urge you to read this book! It will make things so clear.
Another important thing is that we want things to happen immediately. We want the biggest bang for our buck. We want a big immediate reward for just a little bit of obedience. We need to perservere through our trials and not give up when it is hard. If we give up, we will miss out on the spiritual growth that occurs during those times.
I've realized that my faith really hasn't been tested much before or perhaps it has and I missed it. We've had plenty of trials through our 10 years of marriage but somehow I didn't stop and pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from them. I grumbled through them. I complained and I cried. Eventually the trial passed or maybe I just got used to things being hard. But did it cause me to turn to God? Not really, I may have prayed once or twice, and asked others to pray, but it never caused a change in me. I believe this has.
After a significant stretch of mostly up days, out of nowhere I was hit with this feeling of guilt and betrayal of Stephanie. I know this is not true, but feel it necessary to share for two reasons. The first because writing it out helps me and the second because it seems to be a common feeling and I wanted to share it for those who find this blog helpful in their own grieving process.
I've mentioned this "guilty" feeling before but it's different this time. Stronger. It goes beyond a feeling of I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment and then back to grieving. It's that there is this feeling like I haven't grieved her long enough, or my love for her is somehow measured by the tears that I cry. This is simply not true. This is one of those lies that Satan uses to try to keep me in the pit. I refuse to allow it. There is no such way to measure love. Here is the Truth to fight that lie...
The only measurement for love I know of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Nowhere does it say anything about how long one should grieve their child and by cutting that "short" of whatever expectation you have for what is normal somehow makes you a bad mom. Nowhere does it say that one must cry "X" amount of tears in order to show your love. This is not to say tears are bad. They are not, but it certainly is no way to measure my love. Love is not a feeling...it is an action. The best way I can show my love for Stephanie is to love others.
---
10/17/2012
Today has been one of those minute by minute days. I had a major cry fest in the shower. I did feel better after so it was probably a good thing. In spite of the struggle, I pushed my way through the day reminding myself of Truth and thanking God for the things I AM thankful for. I went to church tonight even though I did not FEEL like it and as usual was blessed by the message in the book, Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It's amazing how I've missed so many truths about God all of these years. The most important is just how much God loves me. Going through the death of Stephanie left me with so many questions. Though I knew better, I began to think that God was punishing me for something. This book has helped me to remember that God doesn't work that way. If you are reading this and wonder, does God even care? I urge you to read this book! It will make things so clear.
Another important thing is that we want things to happen immediately. We want the biggest bang for our buck. We want a big immediate reward for just a little bit of obedience. We need to perservere through our trials and not give up when it is hard. If we give up, we will miss out on the spiritual growth that occurs during those times.
I've realized that my faith really hasn't been tested much before or perhaps it has and I missed it. We've had plenty of trials through our 10 years of marriage but somehow I didn't stop and pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from them. I grumbled through them. I complained and I cried. Eventually the trial passed or maybe I just got used to things being hard. But did it cause me to turn to God? Not really, I may have prayed once or twice, and asked others to pray, but it never caused a change in me. I believe this has.
Monday, October 15, 2012
3 months...
Today marks three months since we found out our little Stephanie had been called home to be with Jesus. I feel like I have so much in my head to say but can't seem to put it all together to write it out. In these 3 months, I have changed A LOT! Mostly for the better I hope. God is no where near done with me yet. For that I am grateful. Though I would have never chosen this path, I'm sure that God knows what He is doing and look forward to seeing the masterpiece. Though the final reveal won't be until I am in Heaven, I look forward to seeing the almost finished product.
As I am typing this, I am reflecting on Stephanie's short life. Oh how I wish there was more to remember her by. I wish I could have good memories to help me feel better when I am sad, but there are not. I never got to see her smile, but I will. I've come a long way in these 3 months. I'm sure I haven't shed my last tear, but I'm hoping from here on out I can not let the sadness consume me. I've realized that being stuck in my grief is not going to get me where I want to be and will certainly not take me back to before she died, so I am choosing to turn my grief into gratitude and growth. By no means am I suggesting if you are thick in the middle of grieving that you should be in the same place I am. I'm not even certain that I will be in this place tomorrow, but I am trying hard to make a conscious decision daily, sometimes hourly even every minute to not allow myself to fall back into the pit. I've recently read "I Will Carry You"by Angie Smith and am just a few chapters away from finishing "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, which have been a huge help in getting to where I am now. I have also been meeting with a Psychiatrist and the Women's Ministry Leader at our church, which have helped immensely. The support from our support group, Friends Supporting Parents and other friends who are no stranger to loss and grief have been a huge help as well.
We got our pictures back of Stephanie. You can view the slideshow at the bottom of the home page of this blog.
With that I will close with a short message to my girl.
Sweet Stephanie,
It's been 3 months, a quarter of a year. I still miss you so much! I will always miss what you could have been in our lives. But God had a bigger purpose for you so for now I just have to trust that His way is best and look forward to seeing you in Heaven. Not a day has gone by that you haven't been remembered. Of course, even if it was possible, now that I have your name tattooed on my forearm, it's always a visible reminder of you. We lit a candle tonight in memory of you and all of the other babies whose Mommy's and Daddy's had to say goodbye before they were ready to. I love you so much my girl. I long for the day that I can hold you again. Until then I will embrace your sisters who will never replace you, but God chose to entrust them to us while we are here, so we cherish the time we have with them. You will never be forgotten. One thing you taught us is to really appreciate the things in life that truley matter and that those things aren't really things at all but relationships. Not that we didn't know that before but it was never more clear than it has been since we had to say goodbye to you.
Love,
Mommy ♥
As I am typing this, I am reflecting on Stephanie's short life. Oh how I wish there was more to remember her by. I wish I could have good memories to help me feel better when I am sad, but there are not. I never got to see her smile, but I will. I've come a long way in these 3 months. I'm sure I haven't shed my last tear, but I'm hoping from here on out I can not let the sadness consume me. I've realized that being stuck in my grief is not going to get me where I want to be and will certainly not take me back to before she died, so I am choosing to turn my grief into gratitude and growth. By no means am I suggesting if you are thick in the middle of grieving that you should be in the same place I am. I'm not even certain that I will be in this place tomorrow, but I am trying hard to make a conscious decision daily, sometimes hourly even every minute to not allow myself to fall back into the pit. I've recently read "I Will Carry You"by Angie Smith and am just a few chapters away from finishing "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, which have been a huge help in getting to where I am now. I have also been meeting with a Psychiatrist and the Women's Ministry Leader at our church, which have helped immensely. The support from our support group, Friends Supporting Parents and other friends who are no stranger to loss and grief have been a huge help as well.
We got our pictures back of Stephanie. You can view the slideshow at the bottom of the home page of this blog.
With that I will close with a short message to my girl.
Sweet Stephanie,
It's been 3 months, a quarter of a year. I still miss you so much! I will always miss what you could have been in our lives. But God had a bigger purpose for you so for now I just have to trust that His way is best and look forward to seeing you in Heaven. Not a day has gone by that you haven't been remembered. Of course, even if it was possible, now that I have your name tattooed on my forearm, it's always a visible reminder of you. We lit a candle tonight in memory of you and all of the other babies whose Mommy's and Daddy's had to say goodbye before they were ready to. I love you so much my girl. I long for the day that I can hold you again. Until then I will embrace your sisters who will never replace you, but God chose to entrust them to us while we are here, so we cherish the time we have with them. You will never be forgotten. One thing you taught us is to really appreciate the things in life that truley matter and that those things aren't really things at all but relationships. Not that we didn't know that before but it was never more clear than it has been since we had to say goodbye to you.
Love,
Mommy ♥
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