3 months...

Today marks three months since we found out our little Stephanie had been called home to be with Jesus.  I feel like I have so much in my head to say but can't seem to put it all together to write it out.  In these 3 months, I have changed A LOT!  Mostly for the better I hope.  God is no where near done with me yet.  For that I am grateful.  Though I would have never chosen this path, I'm sure that God knows what He is doing and look forward to seeing the masterpiece.  Though the final reveal won't be until I am in Heaven, I look forward to seeing the almost finished product.

As I am typing this, I am reflecting on Stephanie's short life.  Oh how I wish there was more to remember her by.  I wish I could have good memories to help me feel better when I am sad, but there are not.  I never got to see her smile, but I will.  I've come a long way in these 3 months.  I'm sure I haven't shed my last tear, but I'm hoping from here on out I can not let the sadness consume me.  I've realized that being stuck in my grief is not going to get me where I want to be and will certainly not take me back to before she died, so I am choosing to turn my grief into gratitude and growth.  By no means am I suggesting if you are thick in the middle of grieving that you should be in the same place I am.  I'm not even certain that I will be in this place tomorrow, but I am trying hard to make a conscious decision daily, sometimes hourly even every minute to not allow myself to fall back into the pit.  I've recently read "I Will Carry You"by Angie Smith and am just a few chapters away from finishing "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, which have been a huge help in getting to where I am now.   I have also been meeting with a Psychiatrist and the Women's Ministry Leader at our church, which have helped immensely.  The support from our support group, Friends Supporting Parents and other friends who are no stranger to loss and grief have been a huge help as well.

We got our pictures back of Stephanie.  You can view the slideshow at the bottom of the home page of this blog.

With that I will close with a short message to my girl.

Sweet Stephanie,

It's been 3 months, a quarter of a year.  I still miss you so much!  I will always miss what you could have been in our lives.  But God had a bigger purpose for you so for now I just have to trust that His way is best and look forward to seeing you in Heaven.  Not a day has gone by that you haven't been remembered.  Of course, even if it was possible, now that I have your name tattooed on my forearm, it's always a visible reminder of you.  We lit a candle tonight in memory of you and all of the other babies whose Mommy's and Daddy's had to say goodbye before they were ready to.  I love you so much my girl.  I long for the day that I can hold you again.  Until then I will embrace your sisters who will never replace you, but God chose to entrust them to us while we are here, so we cherish the time we have with them.  You will never be forgotten.  One thing you taught us is to really appreciate the things in life that truley matter and that those things aren't really things at all but relationships.  Not that we didn't know that before but it was never more clear than it has been since we had to say goodbye to you.

Love,

Mommy ♥