A quote from stillbirthday.com by Heidi Faith (I don't know if that is her real name so I don't entirely know who to credit for this but these are not my original words, it made so much sense to me. I am just waiting for my brain to tell my heart.)
"I miss you, baby C. (Stephanie) I miss you so much. It is impossible to run back to you. So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "
"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow. As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
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I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon. I really have to do both. Neither is optional really. I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me. They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word. But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly. I cannot deny that. When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to. I will miss all of her firsts. If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.
I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief. Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back. That is a fact. However, I still can't believe that this has happened. It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change. She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly. I don't understand the grief process. There doesn't seem to be a set normal. The only normal is that it takes time. And that length of time varies significantly from person to person. You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different. Atleast mine does. I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with. I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am. I'm just angry with the situation. Angry that Jon and I have to go through this. Angry that my kids have to go through this.
I long for Heaven in a way I never have. It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there. Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too. The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned. It's never been that way for me. I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up... As if I had some control over it. But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it. I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living. However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven. Especially those I am closest to.
Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one. Something I am reminding myself daily.
Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul. I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.
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