Surgery without anesthesia...

God is working on me big time and it is so painful that it is like having surgery without anesthesia. I've been experiencing times of severe unrest in my soul. I've never experienced this before. God is revealing what a sinner I truly am (we all are). I've been so oblivious to this. Not that I didn't think I sinned I was just completely unaware of it. He is also trying to show me how much He loves me. I don't know how I could have missed these things. The battle comes when Satan tries to take advantage of my compromised emotions and beats me while I'm down. He tries to make me doubt all I have been taught and know about God. He tries to tell me God is not good and doesn't love me, how could a good God, a God who loves me, take my baby? He tries to put fear in me that I am not truly saved and will not see Stephanie again. I know these are lies and when I am strong it's easier for me to resist the temptation to believe the lies but the moments of weakness are a completely different experience.

So, I need to focus on truth, as a wise friend, who has experienced a huge loss in her life told me just days after Stephanie died. It was also in a great book that I just read. The book is called "The only way you are reading this, is if I am gone." By Carrie Bolesky. Carrie's 16 year old son died in a car accident 2 years ago. Though our circumstances are different, it's amazing how many of the emotions and thoughts are similar.

God has been speaking to me. Songs I haven't heard in years are in my thoughts. I am recalling verses. Friends are sharing scripture with me. On a particularly difficult day the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) flooded my mind. Earlier this week I woke up with the song Love that will not let me go By: Steve Camp in my head and then on the same day; read an email from a dear friend sharing the following passage:

Isaiah 49:13-16
¹³ Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
¹⁴ But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
¹⁵ “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
The commentary in the NIV study Bible I am using discusses these verses:
" 'The Lord has forsaken me.' These are the words of the Israelites, who experienced great adversity and thus felt abandoned and forgotten by God. God's response gives divine assurance to any believer going through trying times. (1) His love for us is greater than the natural affection of a loving mother for her children; it is therefore unthinkable that he will ever forget us, especially in our times of despair and grief. (2) His compassion for us will never fail, regardless of life's circumstances; he watches over us with great tenderness and love, and we may rest in the conviction that he will never leave us. (3) The evidence of God's great love is that he has engraved us on the palms of his own hands, so that he can never forget us; the scars in his hands are always before his eyes as a reminder of the great love he has showered on us and of his desire to care for us."

I am also taking a class at church studying the book "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The book is all about How much God loves us and why. And how we forget who He really is and who we are in Him.

So, I am focusing on TRUTH! Truth found in scripture, Truth about what happened. I am learning about how much God loves me and gaining a new appreciation for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me (and all who believe). I am praying for God to help me believe these truths clearly and that it will penetrate my soul. I am spending time in the Word. I am praying that His desires will become my desires.

I am, at least for today, choosing to move forward instead of dwelling on what has happened. I am coming to terms with the realization that moving on in no way means I have forgotten my sweet Stephanie. It doesn't mean that she isn't important to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I won't have a bad day now and then. Staying in a state of sadness isn't going to bring her back. I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could. She would not want me to be sad all the time. I need to heal so that Jon has his wife back. I need to heal so I can fully be here for Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria and Samantha. I need to heal so that if God chooses to bless us with another child, I will be healthy enough to handle it, both emotionally and physically. I need to heal so that God can use me to shine for Him. To help others going through the loss of a child. There will come a day when I see Stephanie again and that time, it will be forever!