Friday, August 24, 2012

An inspiring article

I can identify with so many of the statements in this article.  I am posting it because it may help you or someone in the future.  There is a link to the actual article but I copied and pasted the text in case one day the link no longer works.

Amazing article about a mom who lost her daughter in a tragic accident...


LAKE FOREST — A van carrying a mother, baby-sitter and three young children from Irvine was broadsided as it emerged from the Foothill Transportation Corridor toll road Saturday afternoon, killing a 4-year-old girl and sending others to the hospital.
--Los Angeles Times, May 26, 1996
*
A routine account of a Memorial Day weekend traffic accident. The victims are nameless and the details are few, but they convey life-changing tragedy. Parents reading it see their worst nightmare: the death of a child. What about the survivors? How do they go on?
The mother driving the van was Jana Alayra, a Christian singer-songwriter whose upbeat children's songs are performed in churches nationwide. The child killed in the crash was her daughter, Eryn Lynn ("Lynnie").
The experience was indeed life-changing for Alayra, who emerged from it with a stronger sense of her faith and with a new mission in reaching out to children and adults.
"The faith I sing about is even more real because a part of me is already in heaven," she told a recent gathering of mothers.
"Anything we try to hold on to--our parents, our children, our jobs, our security--can be gone overnight," she said. "The only thing that will never change is that I am a child of God. He is the anchor for my soul."
Her life took on a new dimension. She began speaking to women's groups with the hope of bringing comfort to those who have had a similar experience.
"I never intended to be a speaker," she said. "But if I can bring the blessing of comfort to someone who is grieving, then I consider it a unique privilege."
Alayra, who once taught second grade in Santa Ana, began her music career by leading worship at church services and vacation Bible school. While serving as the children's music coordinator at Forest Home Christian Conference Center, she met children's music artist Mary Rice Hopkins and became her backup singer for six years. She began writing and performing songs and produced a CD, "Free Indeed," in 1989. Like her later releases, the recording was self-financed and produced.
She released a second CD, "Here in Your Hands," in 1992 shortly after the birth of her daughter Hayley and a devastating divorce from her first husband.
A few years later, she married Ron Alayra, a musician she knew from church. She got pregnant with Lynnie right away and another daughter, Brittany, came along in 1995.
She and her new husband formed a band with friends and began performing her children's songs at churches throughout the state.
She released "Jump Into The Light", a collection of children's songs produced by Ron, and "There Will Come a Day," selections of her adult praise music produced by John Andrew Schreiner in 1995.
The day of the accident began like any other. In the morning, Alayra and the children skated around the neighborhood. When she put them down for a nap in the afternoon, she kissed Lynnie's chubby cheeks. "She had these huge cheeks and I loved to kiss them," she said. "I never would have dreamed that would be the last time."
Around 4:30 p.m., she and the kids headed over to Saddleback Valley Community Church in Lake Forest, where she was scheduled to sing at the evening service. Their 13-year-old baby-sitter, Denee Heinrichs, was along to watch the kids while Alayra performed. Ron stayed behind to work in the studio on a new CD.
Heading south toward Lake Forest, she exited the Foothill Transportation Corridor at Portola Parkway and accidentally ran the light at the intersection. Her Mazda MPV was struck broadside by a four-wheel-drive pickup heading south on Portola.
"There was hurt and glass and crying and screaming," Alayra said. Injured and disoriented, she turned to check on the children. "Hayley was crying and Brittany was crying. And then I looked in Lynnie's eyes," she said. "I knew she was gone. I could see that she was no longer there."
A bystander put her arms around Alayra and led her over to the curb. The woman began praying softly, "Lord, you are faithful. You know this woman's life. Protect her and comfort her. You will be her future, you will be her peace."
Alayra remembers desperately begging God to bring Lynnie back, but as they prayed, she felt herself letting go. "I felt God's peace," she said. "God sent that woman to tell me what was true . . . that God was with me and would help me through this."
Alayra and the others in the van were not seriously injured. The occupants of the pickup truck were not hurt.
Afterward, she struggled with unbearable regret. If only she'd waited at the intersection . . . if only she'd left at a different time . . . if only she'd taken a different route.
"I began to recognize these thoughts as the words of the enemy," she said. "It's part of the spiritual warfare that Christians face. I knew it would destroy me if I let it."
Alayra and her husband say they don't have all the answers for why God took Lynnie. "But I know there was a plan and a purpose for her short time here," she said. "Her death had a profound impact on kids who knew her. Heaven is not such a looming, scary place because they know someone who lives there."
They are confident that they'll see their daughter again. "Her little spirit is alive in a beautiful place where there is laughter and singing," she said. "God took her in a merciful way. She was napping in the van and died instantly. She went to sleep and woke up in His presence."

Grief comes in waves...

It's been a rough several days.  I'm told grief comes in waves.  A couple of "good" days followed by a couple (or several) "bad" days.  None the less it sucks.  Sorry if that is a word you don't like, but under the circumstances, it's all I can come up with.  Please know that though this post may reflect a lot of my negative emotions, I haven't forgotten that God is right there beside me.  I just need to get this out.  One day when I am able to help someone go through this I want to be able to go back and see both the positive and negative.  I know I am going to come out of this shining but getting there is another story.  It's a long DARK road.  There are little glimpses of light along the path but right now, I'm not going to lie, it is DARK and overwhelmingly scary!  It feels like I will be like this the rest of my life, though I am assured by many who have walked this DARK path, that is not true. Though I will carry this throughout the rest of my life, it will not always feel like this.  I am broken, I am devastated, nothing about this is okay!  I am so overwhelmed that just the day to day stuff, kids fighting, messes, noise makes me think to myself, " I hate my life and I just want to die"  Before you send the police to my house, please know, I am not suicidal.  I do not have plans to harm myself or anyone else.  My Psychiatrist knows of these thoughts and feelings and is not shocked or disturbed by them.  If you've ever grieved before you are probably familiar with these feelings.  If you haven't, consider yourself very fortunate.  I hope you never experience grief this severe.

I held my dear friends newborn baby tonight.  I've held two other babies prior since Stephanie died.  I had to.  I didn't want to avoid them so I started right away.  Just 3 days after learning Stephanie had gone to be with Jesus I held a precious 1 month old baby girl.  At Stephanie's Memorial Luncheon, I held another precious baby girl.  It's hard but it's so rewarding at the same time.  There are four little babies at my church who were born within a 6 week period.  I have chosen to embrace them rather than avoid them.  I think God put these babies in my life for a reason.  Though it is hard seeing them and will be hard to watch them grow up without Stephanie, I choose to make them special to me in a way.  Tonight though, my sweet friend was sitting next to me holding her little boy just crying, understanding how incredibly difficult it was for me, she knows how bad I am hurting.  I just told her it's okay...It's okay... She asked if I'd like to hold him (we've discussed this before, I told her I would want to) and I said yes.  It's bittersweet, but it's an honor to hold a precious life in my arms, even if it's not my sweet Stephanie.  Life is precious!!!

Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a request for people to comment with verses for comfort and encouragement.  If you posted any, thank you.  I read them all and will go back to those verses often as we go through this storm.  Perhaps I will put them in another post. I've added links to some songs below.  Hopefully in time I will be posting actual scripture references in addition to songs.  I am working to make quiet time with God my number one priority of the day.  Something I've wanted to want to do for a long time (not a typo).  Now that God has become more real to me than ever, I need to dig in and really learn Who God is.  I need to stop wasting my faith.  I have wasted so much of my life just doing my own thing, talking the talk but not really walking the walk.  That is all about to change.  Again, I will never know if the reason for Stephanie's death is to change me or if the changes taking place in me are just a side "benefit" to God's real purpose.  The why doesn't really matter.   Humanly speaking, we want to know why, but knowing why won't change that she is gone and won't bring her back.  So I just need to act on what I know God is calling me to do.  Continuing to be lazy about God, is not going to grow me.  Ignoring God's tugging at my heart, will make Stephanie's death be in vain as far as I am concerned.  I cannot let that happen!

Phil Stacey- You're not Shaken

JJ Heller - Your Hands

Josh Wilson - Savior Please

Casting Crowns - If We Ever Needed You

Casting Crowns - Jesus Hold Me Now

Casting Crowns - Praise You in this Storm

Casting Crowns - The Voice of Truth

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Life goes on...

but I hate that it has to without Stephanie.  Like it or not there are things that must be done.  Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, Dr. appointments and pretty soon...homeschool.  This past week, it was making a menu and grocery list that made it painfully clear that life has to move on without her.  I have 5 amazingly wonderful little girls that need me and I can't let my grieving for the child that no longer needs me or thoughts of having another child in the future continuously consume me.  Sure there will be times when I miss her so much that I can hardly bear it, but it can't be all the time.  I need to be here for them, not just here in the physical sense but here in every way they need me to be.

Hold Me Jesus- Rich Mullins

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A letter to my Angel Princess (1 month mark)

To My precious Stephanie,
Though I know you will never see this, I just feel I need to write out what's on my heart and it feels right to address it to you. I wish so much that you could see and respond. But I will have to wait until that sweet day that we are reunited in Heaven. My arms ache to hold you!

Today marks one month since we found out you had gone to be with Jesus, though the official record says the 16th. Baby girl, I miss you so much. I wanted you so bad. Though you were a bit of a surprise to Daddy and I, we were so looking forward to you joining our family. Though you weren't planned by us, you were very much planned by God. We had no idea that you would only be entrusted to us for such a short time. It would have been really crazy for awhile with Samantha being so little still, but we would have managed. There were times when I was completely overwhelmed with how I was going to manage and I remember telling my mom that I didn't want you to come and than followed that up with but of course, I didn't want you to die either. I'm so sorry for saying that or even thinking that. I know that saying that didn't make this happen but I would give anything to have you here with me.

Your Daddy and sisters miss you so much too. They each have their way of expressing it. For Daddy, it's realizing the things he does with your sisters, he'll never get to do with you. For Rachel, she gets sad when she goes in her room because you were supposed to share it with her when you got a little older. For Rebekah, she is mostly quiet but she will come give me a hug when I am crying. For Abigail, she sings songs about you. For Lexi, she cries for you at night mostly, but also asks me daily if I miss you. Samantha, is too young to get it but when we mention your name, she pulls up my shirt, because she remembers you were there. I remember you were there! My hand still rests on my belly at times out of habit from feeling you. You were loved from the moment I knew you were there. I hope you felt that.

So my little Angel Princess, I have so many questions about what it is like in Heaven. You know no different other than the comforts of my womb. For me it is such mystery. The Bible talks about it some and there are books written about what it may be like, but nobody here on Earth really knows. Have you gotten to sit on Jesus' lap? Is Grandma Schmaltz helping to take care of you? Do you have another sibling there? I believe Lexi had a twin that is there with you. What do you look like now? Will we really be reunited as a family again? Will you be as special to us then as you are now? Can you see us? Are you cheering us on and praying on our behalf like some books suggest? Do you know how long we have to wait to see you? Do you know how much you are loved and missed or just how many lives you've touched?

God has really been comforting us through this. He's more real to me now than ever before! For that I am grateful, I just wish that could have been accomplished in a different way. A way that did not include being told you died inside of me and delivering your lifeless body after 26 hours of labor. A way that didn't include leaving the hospital with empty arms. But God is changing my heart because of you my little ladybug. He's changing parts of my heart that had been resistant until now. I will never know why this happened. Maybe it was to change me, maybe that is just an added benefit to the original purpose. You will never be forgotten, my sweet girl.

I'm sure as time goes by I will have much more to share and "ask" you but for today I will close with my last Facebook status...From the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

♫♪We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do♫♪

I love you Forever,

Mommy ♥

Monday, August 13, 2012

Healing through music...

So some of you know music speaks to me in ways that nothing else can.  I am hoping one day soon scripture will do the same but for now I am finding comfort and healing in songs that are based on the truths of scripture.  Some songs that have provided some healing for me today are...



Natalie Grant- Held

Natalie Grant- In Better Hands Now

Christy Nockles- Waiting Here for You

Watermark- Glory Baby




Sunday, August 12, 2012

I did it!


Well I got my tattoo!  And I love it!  Regardless of how you personally feel about it, I'm guessing no one will have the nerve to debate me on it right now. It's a beautiful memorial of Stephanie.
I designed it myself. It's my first and probably only, though it wasn't that painful. I just never had the desire until I lost Stephanie. I wanted it so people ask me about her. I want to talk about her. I do not want her to be forgotten! She is as real to me as my 5 living children.  For those who think it's controversial.  I have thought long and hard about this.  I got the opinion of 3 different pastors.  Two said there was no violation in scripture, one believes it is.  I believe this is a Roman's 14 disputable matter and is no different than piercing your ears.  I've prayed about it and am at peace with the decision. 

The ladybug is our "symbol" of Stephanie.  Her name means "crown". The gem in the crown is a ruby (the July birthstone). The water lily is one of the July birth month flowers.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

A ladybug sighting...

Some of you may know the ladybug is symbolic of Stephanie.  This came to be the night before her Memorial Service.  I was preparing things for it and a ladybug flew into my head and then landed on my leg. Earlier that day Jon and I were talking about what our "symbol" might be and he said that it has to just come to you, you can't just pick it.  That very night we accepted the ladybug as our reminder of Stephanie.  Tonight another ladybug landed on me and crawled all over my shirt.  I cried.  I miss my baby girl so much!  Tomorrow is the 4 week "anniversary".  In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday that we lost her, in other ways it seems like I've been mourning her forever.  I took the girls to Kmart tonight and heard the song "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey playing as we walked into the store.  Thought of her then, of course.  Anticipating that sweet day that I will see her again. 

By the time most of you see this I will have gotten a tattoo in memory of Stephanie.  Some of you will think it was not a wise choice, some of you will love it and many won't care one way or the other.  I've thought about it, prayed about it, sought counsel from 2 members of the Pastoral staff at our church, which incidentally gave completely differing opinions on the subject and provided scripture to back up their viewpoint.  Ultimately, I am at peace with doing it.  I want people to see it and ask about it and I want to talk about her.  I want to talk about her until the day I see her again.  I want to share her story and what God is doing in our lives.  I do not want her to be forgotten.  Obviously I won't forget about her and most of my family won't either but after the shock wears off, many of our friends and acquaintances aren't going to be thinking about her.

I've really found comfort in songs this week. Some of them I just heard for the first time; others I just heard it with a different heart and could relate to it now, like never before.


Mercy Me- Bring the Rain

Mercy Me- The Hurt and the Healer

Kari Jobe- Steady My Heart

Laura Story- Blessings

Mandisa- Stronger

Friday, August 10, 2012

The reason for this blog...

I've started this blog to keep a record of this journey God has me on so that I can look back and see just how he has carried me through the death of my precious 6th daughter, Stephanie Joanna.  I want it to be honest.  I want to shine Jesus through this, but not try to pretend that this isn't the worst emotional and sometimes physical pain I've ever had to endure.  I believe God is going to use me in big ways when I share this story.  I hope you are blessed as you read along.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The words God laid on my heart to speak at Stephanie's service

I could tell you all about how hard this has been but doing so would not be honoring God or my daughter. Instead, I am choosing to share the things for which I am grateful, even in the midst of this storm.

I am grateful for the 38 weeks I got to carry Stephanie. I am grateful that God chose ME to be her mommy. I am the ONLY one who got to experience her fully while she was alive.

I am grateful for the bed rest that I was on because it allowed me to be still and really relish in her movements.

I am grateful for the frequent fetal monitoring that allowed me to listen to Stephanie's precious heart beating for many minutes each time.

I am grateful for my Doctor and the nurse assigned to me in the hospital who handled the situation with such compassion.

I am grateful that I did not require a C-Section. Though the process of delivering Stephanie was long and painful, the recovery is so much shorter. I was also able to participate in the sweet time we had as a family with Stephanie's shell, rather than being flat on my back recovering from a spinal.

I am grateful for the company “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” for providing a service which allowed us to capture this difficult but special memory in pictures. This service is free of charge which is why we have suggested them for donations rather than receiving flowers.

I am grateful for the Sovereignty of God. To paraphrase Psalm 139:16 All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was even one day old. What you have done is wonderful, I know this very well. I wholeheartedly believe that July 15th, was Stephanie's day to die. It wouldn't have mattered if she was born a week or even a day sooner. We still would have lost her that day, it would have just been under different circumstances.

I am grateful for those in my life who have paved the way of this difficult path we are on. Though I am sad to know that they have had to endure this kind of pain, they have helped walk me through this. I hope that God will use me in the future to help someone else as they walk this difficult road.

I am grateful that Stephanie will never feel pain. Pain as small as getting pinched by her sister to the pain as great as losing a child. From what I understand her death was not painful. It was quick and she just fell asleep.

I am grateful for the love and prayers and support from our family, friends and church body. They are truly what is sustaining us. God is carrying us through.

I am grateful that though I have ignored God calling me. God did not stop pursuing me. I don't mean to suggest that even for a second that this is some kind of punishment for my complacency. God doesn't work that way. I am just grateful that he didn't give up on me.

If just one of you comes to faith in Christ through the death of our Stephanie, it will make it worth it. Only Christ can save you, but to know that her story was somehow part of rescuing just one more soul, would bless us beyond words.
 
Stephanie's Memorial Service on YouTube

The stillborn birth story of Stephanie Joanna

***DISCLAIMER:  I LOVE TO VERBALLY SHARE THIS STORY SO IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ IT HERE, BEAR WITH ME :-)***

It started with a dream in the early morning hours of July 15th. In this dream, my Mother-in-Law, who passed away in March of last year, stumbled out of a door into my arms. I caught her and when I did, she embraced me so tightly. I returned that embrace just as tightly. I never hugged her like that when she was alive. Our relationship was difficult. I awoke in tears. I was so shaken by this dream. I laid in bed sobbing for about an hour and a half. During that time I recall feeling Stephanie moving as she usually did. I started thinking about her middle name and felt burdened to change it from Ruth to Joanna (my Mother-in-Law's middle name). When my husband woke up, I told him the dream and how I thought we should consider changing her middle name to Joanna. I said, “Maybe, if she is born today, we should consider changing her name to Stephanie Joanna.” I think he thought I was just being crazy hormonal woman.

I helped get the girls ready to go off to church with Jon and I stayed home with Samantha. We were sitting in a chair watching TV and she drifted off to sleep and so did I. I woke up just before the family got home from church. When they got home things got busy. They needed lunch and we were preparing for the week since we were planning on having Stephanie on the 19th, if not sooner. I finished a grocery list and Jon went shopping. He came home and there was stuff to be put away.

Around 3:30, I realized it had been awhile since I felt her moving. I've experienced this sort of thing before with all of my pregnancies, so I wasn't too worried. I drank a tall glass of ice water and went to lay down. After about 20 minutes, I felt nothing. I pushed on her hoping to get some sort of response, but nothing. I got up and drank orange juice and then got in the shower expecting to need to go to the hospital for monitoring. After my shower, I laid down again, only to feel nothing. I then headed off to the hospital. I think deep down, I knew she was gone. I just didn't want to believe it. On the way there, I noticed that my belly felt heavy, laying in my lap.

I arrived at the hospital and the nurse attempted to hook me up to the monitors. She couldn't find Stephanie's heartbeat. We've had trouble getting it before, but not in the last couple of weeks. The nurse got the resident to come do an ultrasound. I could see the screen and when she placed the transducer on my belly, I saw no fluttering heart or movement of any kind. I said, “There's no heartbeat, is there?” She didn't answer. She just said she'd get my Dr. to come have a look. While she was out of the room, I looked up at the nurse and said, “She's gone, I know she's gone, I know what a beating heart looks like, and it wasn't there.” My Dr. came in and confirmed what I already knew, he said, “There's no heartbeat, I'm sorry.” I just teared up, no loud crying, I was so shocked and numb. He said we would need to decide what to do, A repeat C-Section or proceed with the induction I had planned to have a VBAC. I told him, I would need to talk to Jon.

I called Jon, my daughter answered the phone, I told her I need daddy. Jon got on the phone and I just sobbed, “Jon, she's gone, there is no heartbeat, she died!” He cried, “No!!!!” I was hysterical at that point. We had to make arrangements for him to get up to the hospital because we didn't want to have 2 cars there. We called friends of ours to pick him up and bring him. I called my grandma and my mom and told them. I just cried and cried. This just wasn't supposed to happen.

My family started to arrive. It took some time before Jon was able to get there. Finally he arrived and we decided to proceed with the induction. I didn't want to have another C-Section and have to recover from that as well as mourn the loss of my little girl. I also did not want to be numb from the spinal during the precious moments following her birth that we could hold her. I also did not want to close the door to having a VBAC for any future babies should we be blessed with another child.

I asked the nurses about the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which is a photography company of volunteers that come and take pictures of babies that have passed or are expected to very shortly after birth. We got in touch with one and she agreed to come once Stephanie was delivered.

The induction process began. My Dr. placed a double foley bulb into my cervix to stretch it open to 4 cm. Once that happens, it falls out. He also started Pitocin at a very low dose. They offered me an epidural right away but I said I didn't want one, I wanted to feel this. I needed to feel this. I was being robbed of raising her and didn't want to be robbed of the birth I had been planning. Jon was going through his contacts in his phone and said the name of a friend (Liz)who has had the misfortune of a stillborn baby. I immediately called her. No answer, so I left a message. A friend of ours came up to the hospital to bring us dinner. Liz called me back while the other friend was visiting, so I told her I would call her back. She called again around 11:30 just as the other friend was leaving and she just comforted me. She walked me through this tragedy. She offered to get me some molds for Stephanie's hands and feet. I took her up on the offer. She told me she'd bring them in the morning. The foley bulb fell out around 2:30 in the morning. They slowly upped my Pitocin and the contractions became noticeable, some of them painful, some not. I tried to sleep, I was given Ambien, but just couldn't. Throughout the day on the 16th, we had some visitors. Liz came with the molds (she brought 4 of them, one for each hand and one for each foot) and also brought a few other things to help make our special memories. She brought a blanket for each one of our girls to hold Stephanie in, so they would each have a special item (so thoughtful!). Also a journal and a picture book.

I began having chest pain and my heart rate was high, which worried the Doctors, so they started running tests to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack. Thankfully, all those tests were normal. Around 4:00, they broke my water. Thankfully Stephanie didn't turn sideways because if that had happened, I would have had to have a C-Section.

By 6:00, the contractions crossed the line of I need to feel this, to torture, so I then requested an epidural. It seemed like forever for the anesthesiologist to get there. Then it took 4 attempts to get it in. I've never had trouble getting an epidural before. It was awful. But then when it took it was such sweet relief. I laid there so peacefully. Dosing off at times, I think, because I was so exhausted. My Dr. checked me around 8 and Stephanie had moved down some. My Dr. said, “We are going to do this” or something along those lines which gave me hope that I would get my VBAC. I talked to my friend who was going to bring our girls up to the hospital. She was trying to talk me out of it because it was getting late. I said, “You don't understand, they have to be here right away, she's not going to last until morning.” She agreed that she would bring them no matter what.

At 9:00, I was checked again but hadn't really progressed in that hour. My Dr. had me try pushing and she would come down but go back up. My Dr. said he thought we were going to need to use forceps in order to make this happen. I reluctantly agreed but was terrified that she would be pulled apart. They put in the foley catheter to drain my bladder and left the room. I felt like I had to push. I think it was my momma instinct kicking in to avoid the forceps. Soon I felt the urge to push and just pushed with all I had even though I was laying flat on my back from getting the catheter. Jon looked and saw her head and went running out to get the Dr. and nurse, I continued pushing and it burned so bad. They all came running back in the room and I begged them to pull her out. I cried, “Pull her out, pull her out it burns so bad just pull her out!” I continued pushing and finally got past her shoulders and she gently came the rest of the way out. They laid her at the end of my bed and quickly determined what caused her death. It was a tight knot in her cord. They laid her on me and she was so perfect. She looked just like Samantha, which I wanted so badly. I just looked down at her and said, “You are so precious and so beautiful.”

We weighed her, she was 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches of too perfect for earth. She was bathed and dressed by the nurse. I had wanted to bath her but changed my mind when I realized how limp she was.

We called to have the kids brought up and contacted the photographer. Soon family and a couple of friends filled the room. We had to move quickly because she started deteriorating quickly. I wouldn't let the girls hold her until the photographer came because I was afraid they wouldn't want to again. Once the photographer got there we started with the oldest and worked our way down to the youngest, pausing to wrap her in each of the special blankets. Samantha was too young to hold her, she was so much more fragile than a living newborn, so I just held my two babies on my lap for pictures. We had everyone leave the room so we could get some special pictures. I wanted a skin to skin picture, the nurse undressed Stephanie and I dropped my gown and just felt my baby on me. I felt something dripping down me, it kind of felt like my milk was dripping but it was something dripping from her. At that point we realized time was not on our side. We let each of the girls hold her one more time for just a few minutes. Then we had our alone time with her. The nurses wanted me up to evaluate my bleeding and to shower. Jon held her during that time. Then I held her while Jon showered. I didn't even want to look at her at that point, I just wanted to feel her.

Then it came time that we realized it was no longer benefiting us having her in our room. So I looked down at her and said, “Goodbye my angel princess. I will see you in Heaven. And until then, I will await eagerly for that day. I love you and I will never forget you.” And then I kissed her head and handed her to Jon. Jon placed her in her bassinet on the other side of the curtain and we called the nurse to take her. She offered to get the molds of her hands and feet for us and we opted to have that done after she took her away. We figured she may have to be maneuvered in ways we wouldn't want to see.

Spending the night in that room was so hard. I didn't get much sleep. I woke up at 6:30 having a panic attack. I had to get out of there! They worked to get me discharged and I signed the papers at 8:30. It was so hard to leave the hospital without her! Rather than being wheeled out holding my baby, I was holding flowers that were dying and petals were blowing off as I was wheeled down the hallway.