A letter to my Angel Princess (1 month mark)

To My precious Stephanie,

Though I know you will never see this, I just feel I need to write out what's on my heart and it feels right to address it to you. I wish so much that you could see and respond. But I will have to wait until that sweet day that we are reunited in Heaven. My arms ache to hold you!

Today marks one month since we found out you had gone to be with Jesus, though the official record says the 16th. Baby girl, I miss you so much. I wanted you so bad. Though you were a bit of a surprise to Daddy and I, we were so looking forward to you joining our family. Though you weren't planned by us, you were very much planned by God. We had no idea that you would only be entrusted to us for such a short time. It would have been really crazy for awhile with Samantha being so little still, but we would have managed. There were times when I was completely overwhelmed with how I was going to manage and I remember telling my mom that I didn't want you to come and than followed that up with but of course, I didn't want you to die either. I'm so sorry for saying that or even thinking that. I know that saying that didn't make this happen but I would give anything to have you here with me.

Your Daddy and sisters miss you so much too. They each have their way of expressing it. For Daddy, it's realizing the things he does with your sisters, he'll never get to do with you. For Rachel, she gets sad when she goes in her room because you were supposed to share it with her when you got a little older. For Rebekah, she is mostly quiet but she will come give me a hug when I am crying. For Abigail, she sings songs about you. For Lexi, she cries for you at night mostly, but also asks me daily if I miss you. Samantha, is too young to get it but when we mention your name, she pulls up my shirt, because she remembers you were there. I remember you were there! My hand still rests on my belly at times out of habit from feeling you. You were loved from the moment I knew you were there. I hope you felt that.

So my little Angel Princess, I have so many questions about what it is like in Heaven. You know no different other than the comforts of my womb. For me it is such mystery. The Bible talks about it some and there are books written about what it may be like, but nobody here on Earth really knows. Have you gotten to sit on Jesus' lap? Is Grandma Schmaltz helping to take care of you? Do you have another sibling there? I believe Lexi had a twin that is there with you. What do you look like now? Will we really be reunited as a family again? Will you be as special to us then as you are now? Can you see us? Are you cheering us on and praying on our behalf like some books suggest? Do you know how long we have to wait to see you? Do you know how much you are loved and missed or just how many lives you've touched?

God has really been comforting us through this. He's more real to me now than ever before! For that I am grateful, I just wish that could have been accomplished in a different way. A way that did not include being told you died inside of me and delivering your lifeless body after 26 hours of labor. A way that didn't include leaving the hospital with empty arms. But God is changing my heart because of you my little ladybug. He's changing parts of my heart that had been resistant until now. I will never know why this happened. Maybe it was to change me, maybe that is just an added benefit to the original purpose. You will never be forgotten, my sweet girl.

I'm sure as time goes by I will have much more to share and "ask" you but for today I will close with my last Facebook status...From the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

♫♪We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do♫♪

I love you Forever,

Mommy ♥