To My precious Stephanie,
Though I know you will never see this,
I just feel I need to write out what's on my heart and it feels right
to address it to you. I wish so much that you could see and respond.
But I will have to wait until that sweet day that we are reunited in
Heaven. My arms ache to hold you!
Today marks one month since we found
out you had gone to be with Jesus, though the official record says
the 16th. Baby girl, I miss you so much. I wanted you so bad.
Though you were a bit of a surprise to Daddy and I, we were so
looking forward to you joining our family. Though you weren't
planned by us, you were very much planned by God. We had no idea
that you would only be entrusted to us for such a short time. It
would have been really crazy for awhile with Samantha being so little
still, but we would have managed. There were times when I was
completely overwhelmed with how I was going to manage and I remember
telling my mom that I didn't want you to come and than followed that
up with but of course, I didn't want you to die either. I'm so sorry
for saying that or even thinking that. I know that saying that
didn't make this happen but I would give anything to have you here
with me.
Your Daddy and sisters miss you so much too. They each
have their way of expressing it. For Daddy, it's realizing the
things he does with your sisters, he'll never get to do with you.
For Rachel, she gets sad when she goes in her room because you were
supposed to share it with her when you got a little older. For
Rebekah, she is mostly quiet but she will come give me a hug when I
am crying. For Abigail, she sings songs about you. For Lexi, she
cries for you at night mostly, but also asks me daily if I miss you.
Samantha, is too young to get it but when we mention your name, she
pulls up my shirt, because she remembers you were there. I remember
you were there! My hand still rests on my belly at times out of
habit from feeling you. You were loved from the moment I knew you
were there. I hope you felt that.
So my little Angel Princess, I have so
many questions about what it is like in Heaven. You know no different
other than the comforts of my womb. For me it is such mystery. The
Bible talks about it some and there are books written about what it
may be like, but nobody here on Earth really knows. Have you gotten
to sit on Jesus' lap? Is Grandma Schmaltz helping to take care of
you? Do you have another sibling there? I believe Lexi had a twin
that is there with you. What do you look like now? Will we really
be reunited as a family again? Will you be as special to us then as
you are now? Can you see us? Are you cheering us on and praying on
our behalf like some books suggest? Do you know how long we have to
wait to see you? Do you know how much you are loved and missed or
just how many lives you've touched?
God has really been comforting us
through this. He's more real to me now than ever before! For that I
am grateful, I just wish that could have been accomplished in a
different way. A way that did not include being told you died inside
of me and delivering your lifeless body after 26 hours of labor. A
way that didn't include leaving the hospital with empty arms. But
God is changing my heart because of you my little ladybug. He's
changing parts of my heart that had been resistant until now. I will
never know why this happened. Maybe it was to change me, maybe that
is just an added benefit to the original purpose. You will never be
forgotten, my sweet girl.
I'm sure as time goes by I will have much more to share and "ask" you but for today I will close with my last Facebook status...From the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark.
♫♪We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do♫♪
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do♫♪
I love you Forever,
Mommy ♥
Such a heartfelt, honest letter! Thank you for sharing. I have heard that it is healing to journal out one's feelings especially in situations of grief. Our prayers continue for you, friend. May God continue to bless you with Himself!
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