Grief comes in waves...

It's been a rough several days.  I'm told grief comes in waves.  A couple of "good" days followed by a couple (or several) "bad" days.  None the less it sucks.  Sorry if that is a word you don't like, but under the circumstances, it's all I can come up with.  Please know that though this post may reflect a lot of my negative emotions, I haven't forgotten that God is right there beside me.  I just need to get this out.  One day when I am able to help someone go through this I want to be able to go back and see both the positive and negative.  I know I am going to come out of this shining but getting there is another story.  It's a long DARK road.  There are little glimpses of light along the path but right now, I'm not going to lie, it is DARK and overwhelmingly scary!  It feels like I will be like this the rest of my life, though I am assured by many who have walked this DARK path, that is not true. Though I will carry this throughout the rest of my life, it will not always feel like this.  I am broken, I am devastated, nothing about this is okay!  I am so overwhelmed that just the day to day stuff, kids fighting, messes, noise makes me think to myself, " I hate my life and I just want to die"  Before you send the police to my house, please know, I am not suicidal.  I do not have plans to harm myself or anyone else.  My Psychiatrist knows of these thoughts and feelings and is not shocked or disturbed by them.  If you've ever grieved before you are probably familiar with these feelings.  If you haven't, consider yourself very fortunate.  I hope you never experience grief this severe.

I held my dear friends newborn baby tonight.  I've held two other babies prior since Stephanie died.  I had to.  I didn't want to avoid them so I started right away.  Just 3 days after learning Stephanie had gone to be with Jesus I held a precious 1 month old baby girl.  At Stephanie's Memorial Luncheon, I held another precious baby girl.  It's hard but it's so rewarding at the same time.  There are four little babies at my church who were born within a 6 week period.  I have chosen to embrace them rather than avoid them.  I think God put these babies in my life for a reason.  Though it is hard seeing them and will be hard to watch them grow up without Stephanie, I choose to make them special to me in a way.  Tonight though, my sweet friend was sitting next to me holding her little boy just crying, understanding how incredibly difficult it was for me, she knows how bad I am hurting.  I just told her it's okay...It's okay... She asked if I'd like to hold him (we've discussed this before, I told her I would want to) and I said yes.  It's bittersweet, but it's an honor to hold a precious life in my arms, even if it's not my sweet Stephanie.  Life is precious!!!

Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a request for people to comment with verses for comfort and encouragement.  If you posted any, thank you.  I read them all and will go back to those verses often as we go through this storm.  Perhaps I will put them in another post. I've added links to some songs below.  Hopefully in time I will be posting actual scripture references in addition to songs.  I am working to make quiet time with God my number one priority of the day.  Something I've wanted to want to do for a long time (not a typo).  Now that God has become more real to me than ever, I need to dig in and really learn Who God is.  I need to stop wasting my faith.  I have wasted so much of my life just doing my own thing, talking the talk but not really walking the walk.  That is all about to change.  Again, I will never know if the reason for Stephanie's death is to change me or if the changes taking place in me are just a side "benefit" to God's real purpose.  The why doesn't really matter.   Humanly speaking, we want to know why, but knowing why won't change that she is gone and won't bring her back.  So I just need to act on what I know God is calling me to do.  Continuing to be lazy about God, is not going to grow me.  Ignoring God's tugging at my heart, will make Stephanie's death be in vain as far as I am concerned.  I cannot let that happen!

Phil Stacey- You're not Shaken

JJ Heller - Your Hands

Josh Wilson - Savior Please

Casting Crowns - If We Ever Needed You

Casting Crowns - Jesus Hold Me Now

Casting Crowns - Praise You in this Storm

Casting Crowns - The Voice of Truth