The stillborn birth story of Stephanie Joanna

***DISCLAIMER:  I LOVE TO VERBALLY SHARE THIS STORY SO IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ IT HERE, BEAR WITH ME :-)***

It started with a dream in the early morning hours of July 15^th. In this dream, my Mother-in-Law, who passed away in March of last year, stumbled out of a door into my arms. I caught her and when I did, she embraced me so tightly. I returned that embrace just as tightly. I never hugged her like that when she was alive. Our relationship was difficult. I awoke in tears. I was so shaken by this dream. I laid in bed sobbing for about an hour and a half. During that time I recall feeling Stephanie moving as she usually did. I started thinking about her middle name and felt burdened to change it from Ruth to Joanna (my Mother-in-Law's middle name). When my husband woke up, I told him the dream and how I thought we should consider changing her middle name to Joanna. I said, “Maybe, if she is born today, we should consider changing her name to Stephanie Joanna.” I think he thought I was just being crazy hormonal woman.

I helped get the girls ready to go off to church with Jon and I stayed home with Samantha. We were sitting in a chair watching TV and she drifted off to sleep and so did I. I woke up just before the family got home from church. When they got home things got busy. They needed lunch and we were preparing for the week since we were planning on having Stephanie on the 19^th, if not sooner. I finished a grocery list and Jon went shopping. He came home and there was stuff to be put away.

Around 3:30, I realized it had been awhile since I felt her moving. I've experienced this sort of thing before with all of my pregnancies, so I wasn't too worried. I drank a tall glass of ice water and went to lay down. After about 20 minutes, I felt nothing. I pushed on her hoping to get some sort of response, but nothing. I got up and drank orange juice and then got in the shower expecting to need to go to the hospital for monitoring. After my shower, I laid down again, only to feel nothing. I then headed off to the hospital. I think deep down, I knew she was gone. I just didn't want to believe it. On the way there, I noticed that my belly felt heavy, laying in my lap.

I arrived at the hospital and the nurse attempted to hook me up to the monitors. She couldn't find Stephanie's heartbeat. We've had trouble getting it before, but not in the last couple of weeks. The nurse got the resident to come do an ultrasound. I could see the screen and when she placed the transducer on my belly, I saw no fluttering heart or movement of any kind. I said, “There's no heartbeat, is there?” She didn't answer. She just said she'd get my Dr. to come have a look. While she was out of the room, I looked up at the nurse and said, “She's gone, I know she's gone, I know what a beating heart looks like, and it wasn't there.” My Dr. came in and confirmed what I already knew, he said, “There's no heartbeat, I'm sorry.” I just teared up, no loud crying, I was so shocked and numb. He said we would need to decide what to do, A repeat C-Section or proceed with the induction I had planned to have a VBAC. I told him, I would need to talk to Jon.

I called Jon, my daughter answered the phone, I told her I need daddy. Jon got on the phone and I just sobbed, “Jon, she's gone, there is no heartbeat, she died!” He cried, “No!!!!” I was hysterical at that point. We had to make arrangements for him to get up to the hospital because we didn't want to have 2 cars there. We called friends of ours to pick him up and bring him. I called my grandma and my mom and told them. I just cried and cried. This just wasn't supposed to happen.

My family started to arrive. It took some time before Jon was able to get there. Finally he arrived and we decided to proceed with the induction. I didn't want to have another C-Section and have to recover from that as well as mourn the loss of my little girl. I also did not want to be numb from the spinal during the precious moments following her birth that we could hold her. I also did not want to close the door to having a VBAC for any future babies should we be blessed with another child.

I asked the nurses about the company Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which is a photography company of volunteers that come and take pictures of babies that have passed or are expected to very shortly after birth. We got in touch with one and she agreed to come once Stephanie was delivered.

The induction process began. My Dr. placed a double foley bulb into my cervix to stretch it open to 4 cm. Once that happens, it falls out. He also started Pitocin at a very low dose. They offered me an epidural right away but I said I didn't want one, I wanted to feel this. I needed to feel this. I was being robbed of raising her and didn't want to be robbed of the birth I had been planning. Jon was going through his contacts in his phone and said the name of a friend (Liz)who has had the misfortune of a stillborn baby. I immediately called her. No answer, so I left a message. A friend of ours came up to the hospital to bring us dinner. Liz called me back while the other friend was visiting, so I told her I would call her back. She called again around 11:30 just as the other friend was leaving and she just comforted me. She walked me through this tragedy. She offered to get me some molds for Stephanie's hands and feet. I took her up on the offer. She told me she'd bring them in the morning. The foley bulb fell out around 2:30 in the morning. They slowly upped my Pitocin and the contractions became noticeable, some of them painful, some not. I tried to sleep, I was given Ambien, but just couldn't. Throughout the day on the 16^th, we had some visitors. Liz came with the molds (she brought 4 of them, one for each hand and one for each foot) and also brought a few other things to help make our special memories. She brought a blanket for each one of our girls to hold Stephanie in, so they would each have a special item (so thoughtful!). Also a journal and a picture book.

I began having chest pain and my heart rate was high, which worried the Doctors, so they started running tests to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack. Thankfully, all those tests were normal. Around 4:00, they broke my water. Thankfully Stephanie didn't turn sideways because if that had happened, I would have had to have a C-Section.

By 6:00, the contractions crossed the line of I need to feel this, to torture, so I then requested an epidural. It seemed like forever for the anesthesiologist to get there. Then it took 4 attempts to get it in. I've never had trouble getting an epidural before. It was awful. But then when it took it was such sweet relief. I laid there so peacefully. Dosing off at times, I think, because I was so exhausted. My Dr. checked me around 8 and Stephanie had moved down some. My Dr. said, “We are going to do this” or something along those lines which gave me hope that I would get my VBAC. I talked to my friend who was going to bring our girls up to the hospital. She was trying to talk me out of it because it was getting late. I said, “You don't understand, they have to be here right away, she's not going to last until morning.” She agreed that she would bring them no matter what.

At 9:00, I was checked again but hadn't really progressed in that hour. My Dr. had me try pushing and she would come down but go back up. My Dr. said he thought we were going to need to use forceps in order to make this happen. I reluctantly agreed but was terrified that she would be pulled apart. They put in the foley catheter to drain my bladder and left the room. I felt like I had to push. I think it was my momma instinct kicking in to avoid the forceps. Soon I felt the urge to push and just pushed with all I had even though I was laying flat on my back from getting the catheter. Jon looked and saw her head and went running out to get the Dr. and nurse, I continued pushing and it burned so bad. They all came running back in the room and I begged them to pull her out. I cried, “Pull her out, pull her out it burns so bad just pull her out!” I continued pushing and finally got past her shoulders and she gently came the rest of the way out. They laid her at the end of my bed and quickly determined what caused her death. It was a tight knot in her cord. They laid her on me and she was so perfect. She looked just like Samantha, which I wanted so badly. I just looked down at her and said, “You are so precious and so beautiful.”

We weighed her, she was 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches of too perfect for earth. She was bathed and dressed by the nurse. I had wanted to bath her but changed my mind when I realized how limp she was.

We called to have the kids brought up and contacted the photographer. Soon family and a couple of friends filled the room. We had to move quickly because she started deteriorating quickly. I wouldn't let the girls hold her until the photographer came because I was afraid they wouldn't want to again. Once the photographer got there we started with the oldest and worked our way down to the youngest, pausing to wrap her in each of the special blankets. Samantha was too young to hold her, she was so much more fragile than a living newborn, so I just held my two babies on my lap for pictures. We had everyone leave the room so we could get some special pictures. I wanted a skin to skin picture, the nurse undressed Stephanie and I dropped my gown and just felt my baby on me. I felt something dripping down me, it kind of felt like my milk was dripping but it was something dripping from her. At that point we realized time was not on our side. We let each of the girls hold her one more time for just a few minutes. Then we had our alone time with her. The nurses wanted me up to evaluate my bleeding and to shower. Jon held her during that time. Then I held her while Jon showered. I didn't even want to look at her at that point, I just wanted to feel her.

Then it came time that we realized it was no longer benefiting us having her in our room. So I looked down at her and said, “Goodbye my angel princess. I will see you in Heaven. And until then, I will await eagerly for that day. I love you and I will never forget you.” And then I kissed her head and handed her to Jon. Jon placed her in her bassinet on the other side of the curtain and we called the nurse to take her. She offered to get the molds of her hands and feet for us and we opted to have that done after she took her away. We figured she may have to be maneuvered in ways we wouldn't want to see.

Spending the night in that room was so hard. I didn't get much sleep. I woke up at 6:30 having a panic attack. I had to get out of there! They worked to get me discharged and I signed the papers at 8:30. It was so hard to leave the hospital without her! Rather than being wheeled out holding my baby, I was holding flowers that were dying and petals were blowing off as I was wheeled down the hallway.