Monday, October 29, 2012
God doesn't always call the equipped, but He will equip the called...
Jon and I attended a marriage conference called Weekend to Remember put on by Family Life. It was a very refreshing time away. It was so nice to just be Jon and Sara for the weekend. We missed our girls but just being alone together for the entire weekend was so amazing! Anyway, God seems to be opening up a new chapter in our lives. It's amazing to see Him doing His work. While at the conference they discussed how we (the attendees) can help. There are many ways. From supporting with prayer or finances to volunteering to help bring a Weekend to Remember event to the area in which you live all the way to joining the support Staff as a Missionary. We are not sure exactly where God is directing but we feel certain that He is calling us into this ministry to help build healthy marriages and families! Crazy you say? Yeah I thought so too when Jon dragged me to those sessions 2 years ago, (I truly thought to myself, "Are you insane, I have absolutely no interest in that!") but after seeing what God has done in the last 15 weeks since Stephanie died, I am more convinced of His abilities to make something out of nothing than I EVER have been. Joining the Staff as a Missionary would require raising support. Surprisingly, that doesn't intimidate me at all. If God is truly directing us that way, He WILL supply the support, I have no doubt what-so-ever! Please pray that we will continue to seek His will in this (and all) areas of our lives and that it will be abundantly clear to us what to pursue.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Moving on = Betrayal???
10/16/2012
After a significant stretch of mostly up days, out of nowhere I was hit with this feeling of guilt and betrayal of Stephanie. I know this is not true, but feel it necessary to share for two reasons. The first because writing it out helps me and the second because it seems to be a common feeling and I wanted to share it for those who find this blog helpful in their own grieving process.
I've mentioned this "guilty" feeling before but it's different this time. Stronger. It goes beyond a feeling of I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment and then back to grieving. It's that there is this feeling like I haven't grieved her long enough, or my love for her is somehow measured by the tears that I cry. This is simply not true. This is one of those lies that Satan uses to try to keep me in the pit. I refuse to allow it. There is no such way to measure love. Here is the Truth to fight that lie...
The only measurement for love I know of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Nowhere does it say anything about how long one should grieve their child and by cutting that "short" of whatever expectation you have for what is normal somehow makes you a bad mom. Nowhere does it say that one must cry "X" amount of tears in order to show your love. This is not to say tears are bad. They are not, but it certainly is no way to measure my love. Love is not a feeling...it is an action. The best way I can show my love for Stephanie is to love others.
---
10/17/2012
Today has been one of those minute by minute days. I had a major cry fest in the shower. I did feel better after so it was probably a good thing. In spite of the struggle, I pushed my way through the day reminding myself of Truth and thanking God for the things I AM thankful for. I went to church tonight even though I did not FEEL like it and as usual was blessed by the message in the book, Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It's amazing how I've missed so many truths about God all of these years. The most important is just how much God loves me. Going through the death of Stephanie left me with so many questions. Though I knew better, I began to think that God was punishing me for something. This book has helped me to remember that God doesn't work that way. If you are reading this and wonder, does God even care? I urge you to read this book! It will make things so clear.
Another important thing is that we want things to happen immediately. We want the biggest bang for our buck. We want a big immediate reward for just a little bit of obedience. We need to perservere through our trials and not give up when it is hard. If we give up, we will miss out on the spiritual growth that occurs during those times.
I've realized that my faith really hasn't been tested much before or perhaps it has and I missed it. We've had plenty of trials through our 10 years of marriage but somehow I didn't stop and pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from them. I grumbled through them. I complained and I cried. Eventually the trial passed or maybe I just got used to things being hard. But did it cause me to turn to God? Not really, I may have prayed once or twice, and asked others to pray, but it never caused a change in me. I believe this has.
After a significant stretch of mostly up days, out of nowhere I was hit with this feeling of guilt and betrayal of Stephanie. I know this is not true, but feel it necessary to share for two reasons. The first because writing it out helps me and the second because it seems to be a common feeling and I wanted to share it for those who find this blog helpful in their own grieving process.
I've mentioned this "guilty" feeling before but it's different this time. Stronger. It goes beyond a feeling of I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment and then back to grieving. It's that there is this feeling like I haven't grieved her long enough, or my love for her is somehow measured by the tears that I cry. This is simply not true. This is one of those lies that Satan uses to try to keep me in the pit. I refuse to allow it. There is no such way to measure love. Here is the Truth to fight that lie...
The only measurement for love I know of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Nowhere does it say anything about how long one should grieve their child and by cutting that "short" of whatever expectation you have for what is normal somehow makes you a bad mom. Nowhere does it say that one must cry "X" amount of tears in order to show your love. This is not to say tears are bad. They are not, but it certainly is no way to measure my love. Love is not a feeling...it is an action. The best way I can show my love for Stephanie is to love others.
---
10/17/2012
Today has been one of those minute by minute days. I had a major cry fest in the shower. I did feel better after so it was probably a good thing. In spite of the struggle, I pushed my way through the day reminding myself of Truth and thanking God for the things I AM thankful for. I went to church tonight even though I did not FEEL like it and as usual was blessed by the message in the book, Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It's amazing how I've missed so many truths about God all of these years. The most important is just how much God loves me. Going through the death of Stephanie left me with so many questions. Though I knew better, I began to think that God was punishing me for something. This book has helped me to remember that God doesn't work that way. If you are reading this and wonder, does God even care? I urge you to read this book! It will make things so clear.
Another important thing is that we want things to happen immediately. We want the biggest bang for our buck. We want a big immediate reward for just a little bit of obedience. We need to perservere through our trials and not give up when it is hard. If we give up, we will miss out on the spiritual growth that occurs during those times.
I've realized that my faith really hasn't been tested much before or perhaps it has and I missed it. We've had plenty of trials through our 10 years of marriage but somehow I didn't stop and pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from them. I grumbled through them. I complained and I cried. Eventually the trial passed or maybe I just got used to things being hard. But did it cause me to turn to God? Not really, I may have prayed once or twice, and asked others to pray, but it never caused a change in me. I believe this has.
Monday, October 15, 2012
3 months...
Today marks three months since we found out our little Stephanie had been called home to be with Jesus. I feel like I have so much in my head to say but can't seem to put it all together to write it out. In these 3 months, I have changed A LOT! Mostly for the better I hope. God is no where near done with me yet. For that I am grateful. Though I would have never chosen this path, I'm sure that God knows what He is doing and look forward to seeing the masterpiece. Though the final reveal won't be until I am in Heaven, I look forward to seeing the almost finished product.
As I am typing this, I am reflecting on Stephanie's short life. Oh how I wish there was more to remember her by. I wish I could have good memories to help me feel better when I am sad, but there are not. I never got to see her smile, but I will. I've come a long way in these 3 months. I'm sure I haven't shed my last tear, but I'm hoping from here on out I can not let the sadness consume me. I've realized that being stuck in my grief is not going to get me where I want to be and will certainly not take me back to before she died, so I am choosing to turn my grief into gratitude and growth. By no means am I suggesting if you are thick in the middle of grieving that you should be in the same place I am. I'm not even certain that I will be in this place tomorrow, but I am trying hard to make a conscious decision daily, sometimes hourly even every minute to not allow myself to fall back into the pit. I've recently read "I Will Carry You"by Angie Smith and am just a few chapters away from finishing "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, which have been a huge help in getting to where I am now. I have also been meeting with a Psychiatrist and the Women's Ministry Leader at our church, which have helped immensely. The support from our support group, Friends Supporting Parents and other friends who are no stranger to loss and grief have been a huge help as well.
We got our pictures back of Stephanie. You can view the slideshow at the bottom of the home page of this blog.
With that I will close with a short message to my girl.
Sweet Stephanie,
It's been 3 months, a quarter of a year. I still miss you so much! I will always miss what you could have been in our lives. But God had a bigger purpose for you so for now I just have to trust that His way is best and look forward to seeing you in Heaven. Not a day has gone by that you haven't been remembered. Of course, even if it was possible, now that I have your name tattooed on my forearm, it's always a visible reminder of you. We lit a candle tonight in memory of you and all of the other babies whose Mommy's and Daddy's had to say goodbye before they were ready to. I love you so much my girl. I long for the day that I can hold you again. Until then I will embrace your sisters who will never replace you, but God chose to entrust them to us while we are here, so we cherish the time we have with them. You will never be forgotten. One thing you taught us is to really appreciate the things in life that truley matter and that those things aren't really things at all but relationships. Not that we didn't know that before but it was never more clear than it has been since we had to say goodbye to you.
Love,
Mommy ♥
As I am typing this, I am reflecting on Stephanie's short life. Oh how I wish there was more to remember her by. I wish I could have good memories to help me feel better when I am sad, but there are not. I never got to see her smile, but I will. I've come a long way in these 3 months. I'm sure I haven't shed my last tear, but I'm hoping from here on out I can not let the sadness consume me. I've realized that being stuck in my grief is not going to get me where I want to be and will certainly not take me back to before she died, so I am choosing to turn my grief into gratitude and growth. By no means am I suggesting if you are thick in the middle of grieving that you should be in the same place I am. I'm not even certain that I will be in this place tomorrow, but I am trying hard to make a conscious decision daily, sometimes hourly even every minute to not allow myself to fall back into the pit. I've recently read "I Will Carry You"by Angie Smith and am just a few chapters away from finishing "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, which have been a huge help in getting to where I am now. I have also been meeting with a Psychiatrist and the Women's Ministry Leader at our church, which have helped immensely. The support from our support group, Friends Supporting Parents and other friends who are no stranger to loss and grief have been a huge help as well.
We got our pictures back of Stephanie. You can view the slideshow at the bottom of the home page of this blog.
With that I will close with a short message to my girl.
Sweet Stephanie,
It's been 3 months, a quarter of a year. I still miss you so much! I will always miss what you could have been in our lives. But God had a bigger purpose for you so for now I just have to trust that His way is best and look forward to seeing you in Heaven. Not a day has gone by that you haven't been remembered. Of course, even if it was possible, now that I have your name tattooed on my forearm, it's always a visible reminder of you. We lit a candle tonight in memory of you and all of the other babies whose Mommy's and Daddy's had to say goodbye before they were ready to. I love you so much my girl. I long for the day that I can hold you again. Until then I will embrace your sisters who will never replace you, but God chose to entrust them to us while we are here, so we cherish the time we have with them. You will never be forgotten. One thing you taught us is to really appreciate the things in life that truley matter and that those things aren't really things at all but relationships. Not that we didn't know that before but it was never more clear than it has been since we had to say goodbye to you.
Love,
Mommy ♥
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Surgery without anesthesia...
God is working on me big time and it is so painful that it is like having surgery without anesthesia. I've been experiencing times of severe unrest in my soul. I've never experienced this before. God is revealing what a sinner I truly am (we all are). I've been so oblivious to this. Not that I didn't think I sinned I was just completely unaware of it. He is also trying to show me how much He loves me. I don't know how I could have missed these things. The battle comes when Satan tries to take advantage of my compromised emotions and beats me while I'm down. He tries to make me doubt all I have been taught and know about God. He tries to tell me God is not good and doesn't love me, how could a good God, a God who loves me, take my baby? He tries to put fear in me that I am not truly saved and will not see Stephanie again. I know these are lies and when I am strong it's easier for me to resist the temptation to believe the lies but the moments of weakness are a completely different experience.
So, I need to focus on truth, as a wise friend, who has experienced a huge loss in her life told me just days after Stephanie died. It was also in a great book that I just read. The book is called "The only way you are reading this, is if I am gone." By Carrie Bolesky. Carrie's 16 year old son died in a car accident 2 years ago. Though our circumstances are different, it's amazing how many of the emotions and thoughts are similar.
God has been speaking to me. Songs I haven't heard in years are in my thoughts. I am recalling verses. Friends are sharing scripture with me. On a particularly difficult day the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) flooded my mind. Earlier this week I woke up with the song Love that will not let me go By: Steve Camp in my head and then on the same day; read an email from a dear friend sharing the following passage:
Isaiah 49:13-16
13 Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
14 But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
The commentary in the NIV study Bible I am using discusses these verses:
" 'The Lord has forsaken me.' These are the words of the Israelites, who experienced great adversity and thus felt abandoned and forgotten by God. God's response gives divine assurance to any believer going through trying times. (1) His love for us is greater than the natural affection of a loving mother for her children; it is therefore unthinkable that he will ever forget us, especially in our times of despair and grief. (2) His compassion for us will never fail, regardless of life's circumstances; he watches over us with great tenderness and love, and we may rest in the conviction that he will never leave us. (3) The evidence of God's great love is that he has engraved us on the palms of his own hands, so that he can never forget us; the scars in his hands are always before his eyes as a reminder of the great love he has showered on us and of his desire to care for us."
I am also taking a class at church studying the book "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The book is all about How much God loves us and why. And how we forget who He really is and who we are in Him.
So, I am focusing on TRUTH! Truth found in scripture, Truth about what happened. I am learning about how much God loves me and gaining a new appreciation for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me (and all who believe). I am praying for God to help me believe these truths clearly and that it will penetrate my soul. I am spending time in the Word. I am praying that His desires will become my desires.
I am, at least for today, choosing to move forward instead of dwelling on what has happened. I am coming to terms with the realization that moving on in no way means I have forgotten my sweet Stephanie. It doesn't mean that she isn't important to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I won't have a bad day now and then. Staying in a state of sadness isn't going to bring her back. I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could. She would not want me to be sad all the time. I need to heal so that Jon has his wife back. I need to heal so I can fully be here for Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria and Samantha. I need to heal so that if God chooses to bless us with another child, I will be healthy enough to handle it, both emotionally and physically. I need to heal so that God can use me to shine for Him. To help others going through the loss of a child. There will come a day when I see Stephanie again and that time, it will be forever!
So, I need to focus on truth, as a wise friend, who has experienced a huge loss in her life told me just days after Stephanie died. It was also in a great book that I just read. The book is called "The only way you are reading this, is if I am gone." By Carrie Bolesky. Carrie's 16 year old son died in a car accident 2 years ago. Though our circumstances are different, it's amazing how many of the emotions and thoughts are similar.
God has been speaking to me. Songs I haven't heard in years are in my thoughts. I am recalling verses. Friends are sharing scripture with me. On a particularly difficult day the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) flooded my mind. Earlier this week I woke up with the song Love that will not let me go By: Steve Camp in my head and then on the same day; read an email from a dear friend sharing the following passage:
Isaiah 49:13-16
13 Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
14 But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
The commentary in the NIV study Bible I am using discusses these verses:
" 'The Lord has forsaken me.' These are the words of the Israelites, who experienced great adversity and thus felt abandoned and forgotten by God. God's response gives divine assurance to any believer going through trying times. (1) His love for us is greater than the natural affection of a loving mother for her children; it is therefore unthinkable that he will ever forget us, especially in our times of despair and grief. (2) His compassion for us will never fail, regardless of life's circumstances; he watches over us with great tenderness and love, and we may rest in the conviction that he will never leave us. (3) The evidence of God's great love is that he has engraved us on the palms of his own hands, so that he can never forget us; the scars in his hands are always before his eyes as a reminder of the great love he has showered on us and of his desire to care for us."
I am also taking a class at church studying the book "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The book is all about How much God loves us and why. And how we forget who He really is and who we are in Him.
So, I am focusing on TRUTH! Truth found in scripture, Truth about what happened. I am learning about how much God loves me and gaining a new appreciation for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me (and all who believe). I am praying for God to help me believe these truths clearly and that it will penetrate my soul. I am spending time in the Word. I am praying that His desires will become my desires.
I am, at least for today, choosing to move forward instead of dwelling on what has happened. I am coming to terms with the realization that moving on in no way means I have forgotten my sweet Stephanie. It doesn't mean that she isn't important to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I won't have a bad day now and then. Staying in a state of sadness isn't going to bring her back. I wouldn't take Heaven from her even if I could. She would not want me to be sad all the time. I need to heal so that Jon has his wife back. I need to heal so I can fully be here for Rachel, Rebekah, Abigail, Alexandria and Samantha. I need to heal so that if God chooses to bless us with another child, I will be healthy enough to handle it, both emotionally and physically. I need to heal so that God can use me to shine for Him. To help others going through the loss of a child. There will come a day when I see Stephanie again and that time, it will be forever!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Longing for Heaven
A quote from stillbirthday.com by Heidi Faith (I don't know if that is her real name so I don't entirely know who to credit for this but these are not my original words, it made so much sense to me. I am just waiting for my brain to tell my heart.)
"I miss you, baby C. (Stephanie) I miss you so much. It is impossible to run back to you. So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "
"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow. As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
--------
I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon. I really have to do both. Neither is optional really. I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me. They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word. But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly. I cannot deny that. When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to. I will miss all of her firsts. If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.
I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief. Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back. That is a fact. However, I still can't believe that this has happened. It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change. She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly. I don't understand the grief process. There doesn't seem to be a set normal. The only normal is that it takes time. And that length of time varies significantly from person to person. You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different. Atleast mine does. I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with. I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am. I'm just angry with the situation. Angry that Jon and I have to go through this. Angry that my kids have to go through this.
I long for Heaven in a way I never have. It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there. Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too. The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned. It's never been that way for me. I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up... As if I had some control over it. But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it. I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living. However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven. Especially those I am closest to.
Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one. Something I am reminding myself daily.
Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul. I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.
"I miss you, baby C. (Stephanie) I miss you so much. It is impossible to run back to you. So I walk patiently forward on this path I see, knowing that up ahead, around the bend, just out of my sight, you are there. "
"I will catch up to you someday, my child, but the path leading me to that day is an important one, one without a shortcut, filled with so much opportunity to share, to give, and to grow. As I guide your siblings into adulthood, they too look forward to the day they can meet you. Someday, just around the bend, just up ahead. We’ll be there with you, my child."
--------
I'm trying so hard to find the balance of grieving for Stephanie and being here for my 5 girls and Jon. I really have to do both. Neither is optional really. I have a husband and 5 little girls who need me. They need me to be here and not just in the physical sense of the word. But I have one little girl in Heaven, and I miss her terribly. I cannot deny that. When I see her again, she won't be the baby I had to say goodbye to. I will miss all of her firsts. If I don't grieve her properly now, it will catch up to me later.
I feel like I'm still in the denial stage of grief. Intellectually, I know she is gone and is never coming back. That is a fact. However, I still can't believe that this has happened. It's almost as if I feel like if I resist it enough, things will change. She'll be back in my belly alive and well and I can give birth to her and here her first cry and nurse her, and bring her home like I wanted to so badly. I don't understand the grief process. There doesn't seem to be a set normal. The only normal is that it takes time. And that length of time varies significantly from person to person. You feel like you are going crazy because your brain tells you one thing but your heart tells you something completely different. Atleast mine does. I'm angry, but I don't know who or what I am angry at/with. I'm not angry with God, atleast I don't think I am. I'm just angry with the situation. Angry that Jon and I have to go through this. Angry that my kids have to go through this.
I long for Heaven in a way I never have. It's amazing how your perspective changes when you have a child there. Perhaps any loved one that you are very close too. The Rapture can't happen soon enough as far as I am concerned. It's never been that way for me. I've always thought, wait until I'm married, or wait until I have a baby, or wait until I see my babies grow up... As if I had some control over it. But ever since Stephanie died that has changed, again I have no control over when the Rapture happens but now I wish for it, hope for it, pray for it. I read books about Heaven because I want to know more about where my daughter is living. However, I am torn between wanting it to be soon so my family can be reunited again, and wanting more time for those who aren't believers to discover the truth so they too can be in Heaven. Especially those I am closest to.
Until He returns or calls me home, my work here is not done and this path I am on is an important one. Something I am reminding myself daily.
Yesterday was a day of serious unrest in my soul. I had to really seek the One who could help...I will share that next time.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Anywhere but here....
Oh to be content with my life... This is the secret I am hoping to discover within the pages of the book "One Thousand Gifts" by AnnVoskamp and the Bible of course. But right now if life had a remote with a rewind or a fast forward button, I would press one of them in a heartbeat. Most likely I would choose the fast forward button because the rewind would cause me to go through this all over again. I just want to be past this intensely painful part of my life. But, unfortunately there is no such remote. In addition to that I would miss out on all of the spiritual growth going through this sort of thing causes. However this growth comes with the most excrutiating growing pains.
I have had a few "good" days in between the bad ones. It seems I am just led to post something on the days that are particularily difficult. I am continuing to find comfort in music and scripture as well. Oh how I wish I could feel the arms of Christ surrounding me. I know they are there and I guess I feel them to an extent, because I truly believe that is the only way I am able to breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other each day. Though some days those efforts are so painful. But I want to really feel them like the words of the Kari Jobe song, The More I seek You say "I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat"
Yesterday, I had another "visit" from a ladybug. I know some believe that these visits are their loved one coming for a visit. I don't believe that Stephanie is the ladybug. If you do, please don't be offended, I just don't. But I do think there is some significance to these visits. I don't know if God sends them, or Stephanie asks Him to, or if it's some other reason other than pure coincidence.
I am so blessed by others who mention Stephanie. To hear others use her name is a gift to me. It reminds me that she has touched so many hearts even though she never even took a breath on this Earth.
I have had a few "good" days in between the bad ones. It seems I am just led to post something on the days that are particularily difficult. I am continuing to find comfort in music and scripture as well. Oh how I wish I could feel the arms of Christ surrounding me. I know they are there and I guess I feel them to an extent, because I truly believe that is the only way I am able to breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other each day. Though some days those efforts are so painful. But I want to really feel them like the words of the Kari Jobe song, The More I seek You say "I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat"
Yesterday, I had another "visit" from a ladybug. I know some believe that these visits are their loved one coming for a visit. I don't believe that Stephanie is the ladybug. If you do, please don't be offended, I just don't. But I do think there is some significance to these visits. I don't know if God sends them, or Stephanie asks Him to, or if it's some other reason other than pure coincidence.
I am so blessed by others who mention Stephanie. To hear others use her name is a gift to me. It reminds me that she has touched so many hearts even though she never even took a breath on this Earth.
Friday, August 24, 2012
An inspiring article
I can identify with so many of the statements in this article. I am posting it because it may help you or someone in the future. There is a link to the actual article but I copied and pasted the text in case one day the link no longer works.
Amazing article about a mom who lost her daughter in a tragic accident...
Amazing article about a mom who lost her daughter in a tragic accident...
LAKE FOREST — A van carrying a mother, baby-sitter and three young children from Irvine was broadsided as it emerged from the Foothill Transportation Corridor toll road Saturday afternoon, killing a 4-year-old girl and sending others to the hospital.
--Los Angeles Times, May 26, 1996
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A routine account of a Memorial Day weekend traffic accident. The victims are nameless and the details are few, but they convey life-changing tragedy. Parents reading it see their worst nightmare: the death of a child. What about the survivors? How do they go on?
The mother driving the van was Jana Alayra, a Christian singer-songwriter whose upbeat children's songs are performed in churches nationwide. The child killed in the crash was her daughter, Eryn Lynn ("Lynnie").
The experience was indeed life-changing for Alayra, who emerged from it with a stronger sense of her faith and with a new mission in reaching out to children and adults.
"The faith I sing about is even more real because a part of me is already in heaven," she told a recent gathering of mothers.
"Anything we try to hold on to--our parents, our children, our jobs, our security--can be gone overnight," she said. "The only thing that will never change is that I am a child of God. He is the anchor for my soul."
Her life took on a new dimension. She began speaking to women's groups with the hope of bringing comfort to those who have had a similar experience.
"I never intended to be a speaker," she said. "But if I can bring the blessing of comfort to someone who is grieving, then I consider it a unique privilege."
Alayra, who once taught second grade in Santa Ana, began her music career by leading worship at church services and vacation Bible school. While serving as the children's music coordinator at Forest Home Christian Conference Center, she met children's music artist Mary Rice Hopkins and became her backup singer for six years. She began writing and performing songs and produced a CD, "Free Indeed," in 1989. Like her later releases, the recording was self-financed and produced.
She released a second CD, "Here in Your Hands," in 1992 shortly after the birth of her daughter Hayley and a devastating divorce from her first husband.
A few years later, she married Ron Alayra, a musician she knew from church. She got pregnant with Lynnie right away and another daughter, Brittany, came along in 1995.
She and her new husband formed a band with friends and began performing her children's songs at churches throughout the state.
She released "Jump Into The Light", a collection of children's songs produced by Ron, and "There Will Come a Day," selections of her adult praise music produced by John Andrew Schreiner in 1995.
The day of the accident began like any other. In the morning, Alayra and the children skated around the neighborhood. When she put them down for a nap in the afternoon, she kissed Lynnie's chubby cheeks. "She had these huge cheeks and I loved to kiss them," she said. "I never would have dreamed that would be the last time."
Around 4:30 p.m., she and the kids headed over to Saddleback Valley Community Church in Lake Forest, where she was scheduled to sing at the evening service. Their 13-year-old baby-sitter, Denee Heinrichs, was along to watch the kids while Alayra performed. Ron stayed behind to work in the studio on a new CD.
Heading south toward Lake Forest, she exited the Foothill Transportation Corridor at Portola Parkway and accidentally ran the light at the intersection. Her Mazda MPV was struck broadside by a four-wheel-drive pickup heading south on Portola.
"There was hurt and glass and crying and screaming," Alayra said. Injured and disoriented, she turned to check on the children. "Hayley was crying and Brittany was crying. And then I looked in Lynnie's eyes," she said. "I knew she was gone. I could see that she was no longer there."
A bystander put her arms around Alayra and led her over to the curb. The woman began praying softly, "Lord, you are faithful. You know this woman's life. Protect her and comfort her. You will be her future, you will be her peace."
Alayra remembers desperately begging God to bring Lynnie back, but as they prayed, she felt herself letting go. "I felt God's peace," she said. "God sent that woman to tell me what was true . . . that God was with me and would help me through this."
Alayra and the others in the van were not seriously injured. The occupants of the pickup truck were not hurt.
Afterward, she struggled with unbearable regret. If only she'd waited at the intersection . . . if only she'd left at a different time . . . if only she'd taken a different route.
"I began to recognize these thoughts as the words of the enemy," she said. "It's part of the spiritual warfare that Christians face. I knew it would destroy me if I let it."
Alayra and her husband say they don't have all the answers for why God took Lynnie. "But I know there was a plan and a purpose for her short time here," she said. "Her death had a profound impact on kids who knew her. Heaven is not such a looming, scary place because they know someone who lives there."
They are confident that they'll see their daughter again. "Her little spirit is alive in a beautiful place where there is laughter and singing," she said. "God took her in a merciful way. She was napping in the van and died instantly. She went to sleep and woke up in His presence."
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